Today I lost it. I think it really started yesterday. As many of you know I started a job that was much needed on Wednesday of last week. I knew it was going to be difficult to do when I cried for a few hour,s after getting the call with the job offer, trying to figure out what I could do to possibly not have to take the job. But I knew I needed to buck up and go to work.
I was able to do that Wednesday afternoon and after the weekend did it again Monday morning. Tuesday morning I found that I was dealing with some anxiety but I just figured it was cause Aaron had an appointment to find out the results of his last MRI. I worked the morning then went to the appointment with him where we were told the cancer wasn't responding to the current treatment anymore and there was a new growth on the liver. So they are taking him off the current treatment and going to a combination of two drugs he's been on previously but trying them in different methods of delivery to see if it will respond to that.
I went back to work after that but found it very difficult to keep composed. At least I was able to fake it for the last 3 hours I had to work. At this point, my third day at work, I still hadn't been told for sure if the job was full or part time, what my exact pay per hour was or when pay days were. AND I had two supervisors watching over me and giving me "projects", like helping them rewrite the training manual while training from it, as well as another person who was training me. On my second day I was checking out patients, scheduling appointments and taking payments and being expected to calculate insurance and patient portions for services since everything has to be prepaid. In what universe is that logical expectations for a new employee.
Yesterday when I came home from work I cried for 1/2 an hour knowing I would have to go back. All this time knowing that time with Aaron is once again shorter.
This morning I got up and got ready for work. I could feel the anxiety building up as I showered and got dressed. It was all I could do to just make myself go out the door. I cried on and off on the way to work. Got in, sat down at my desk and lost it. I tried as hard as I could to compose myself but nothing was working. Then I got a page at my desk that a patient on the phone needed to schedule treatment. I instantly panicked. My supervisor took the call when she came back and saw me crying. My "trainer" was on the other line with a patient. I had no idea what to do. When she got off the phone I asked her if she had time to talk before it got busy but she said not till 9 to I'd have to wait almost 45 minutes. In the mean time I found easy, busy work that involved lots of papers but not a lot of knowledge so assistants and hygienists bringing up patients would think I was busy.
She finally came down and got me to go upstairs and talk. I broke down and told her that I felt like too much was being expected of me too soon and I was overwhelmed. I also told her what we had found out at the Dr. appointment the day before. She seemed very understanding. She also finally confirmed that the position was full time. But still didn't clarify what I was making per hour. She asked if I was going to be able to finish the day or if I needed to go. I said I was going to stay but needed to calm down a bit. After sitting in her office for a few minutes I still couldn't compose myself so I decided I needed to leave.
I cried most of the way home and for quite a while after I got home. That job was what we needed for Aaron to have insurance after December and I couldn't do it. Of course I'm the only one in the family putting any pressure on myself about the insurance.
So I made the decision that with everything else going on and all the stress we have already, I am just not mentally or emotionally able to work. So I called my supervisor and told her I would not be returning to work.
December 16th I have an appointment with social security I have an appointment to discuss disability due to mental situation and anxiety.
I have no idea what we will do for income. Aaron still gets his disability but that won't cover things. I feel like I really shot us in the foot on top of an already difficult situation, but I also feel like this was my only option. I can't live a life of panic attacks and trying to bury tears and emotions.
Please pray for us and our new even more questionable financial situation. I know it's Christmas and every one is tight right now but if you have anything extra we would appreciate it. There is a donation button on the right. Thanks for caring enough to read this.
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