Fault Lines Ahead

I am part of a women's Bible study that meets once a week. This week's reading was so wonderfully timed! The book we are going through is called Having a Mary Spirit, Allowing God to change us from the inside out By Joanna Weaver. I'm adding this in because I may quote things from the book.

This week the chapter" Fault Lines". Those little places in our life, ways of thinking or situations that have a way of getting to our weak spots. Our  Achilles's heal. Reading this chapter, I have so many thoughts running through my head, I don't know where to start, so if this seems a bit jumbled, sorry.

What immediately came to mind was the picture of cracked pavement. I have a friend with a cracked patio. There is one crack in a large slab of cement. The rest of that patio is solid. You could throw anything at it and it wouldn't get through. In fact depending on what you dropped or threw, it would probably damage that item instead. But in this large solid, impenetrable surface is this crack. If something was to get into that crack and settle, or start to grow, after time that vulnerable spot would get larger, the foundation underneath would be effected and weakened by whatever was growing or multiplying underneath and eventually the whole slab of what was once a solid surface is compromised.

 This happens in out life as well. You can be completely solid, have a firm foundation and be capable of taking whatever is thrown at you! But there's that fault line. That place where evil can get in and use something to start the breakdown of your foundation. It would be a comment by someone that strikes one of your insecurities, it could be the lack of an acknowledgement from someone that makes you think you're insignificant. The author put it very well when she said, "These are the very places Satan searches for when he prowls around "like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8) Because when the enemy can't storm the gate of our salvation, he looks for a break in the wall, even the tiniest crack. A weak spot he can exploit." I also believe that evil can not only attack us, but through that attack, block something that may bring someone closer to God.  But I'll get to that later.

Back to the cement. In doing research on what to do with the crack in the patio, my friend was told by a professional, that the crack could be patched. If it was cleaned out and filled with a calk like material, it would prevent things from getting in and compromising the rest of the cement. We need to let God to be that calking! That material that is soft and pliable, that doesn't hurt the surrounding area, but fills and protects that fault line that may otherwise fill with weeds or termites. I think so many times we try to fix things ourselves only to come up with something that resembles something Macgyver would come up with instead of letting the professional handle it. We have our duct tape, paperclips, rope, bubble gum, whatever we can find. Of course there are no instructions or experience. But we got this!! As I would say as a child, and still struggle with mentally, is "self do it!" No help needed here. Lean the "men at work" sign against the garbage can and I'm ready to go. The whole time we are slaving over that fault line, chewing up the gum to stick in the crack, perhaps placing the paperclips in the crack to give it some form of structure in the soft gum mess and of course covering it all in a healthy amount of duct tape, God is standing on the side with a single calking gun just waiting for us to turn it over to him. You would think by now that we would know that he can do a better fix and in half the time. We just have to let him.

So, I made the statement that I believe that evil can not only attack us, but through that attack, block something that may bring someone closer to God. The experience I've had with this was a physical one. Not too many people have heard this story, but around 2000 is when I started playing the guitar. I met our pastor and some others at our church once a week for a lesson/jam session as well as teaching myself at home. I really felt like I was supposed to use this talent for God. I was talking to my friend one Sunday who happened to be the one in charge of the youth at the time and found out they wanted to start doing middle school worship on Sunday mornings separate from the high school, but didn't have anyone to lead. I thought, well, that's an open door from God if I ever saw one! So I said I'd do it. That following week, before I was ever able to lead worship, both my wrists were in extreme pain. I couldn't work, I couldn't put any pressure on my hands, I couldn't hold anything or do anything without pain. I went to the doctor, had x-rays, they sent me to a specialist and the only diagnosis they could come up with was severe rheumatoid arthritis in both my wrists. I was 20 year old. I was in wrist braces for two weeks. So on Sunday morning, I was sitting in the middle school room with both my braces on, unable to play guitar. The leader asked if they could pray for me and I said yes. Then all the kids got up, surrounded me, laying hands on me and prayed. Laying hands on someone was not something out church really did, so it was kind of unexpected. After that I went home. Nothing had changed instantly. But, the next day there was less pain and the next even less. By Wednesday I was out of the braces and fully functional. That following Sunday I was able to play guitar for worship and have never had an issue with my wrists or hands since. So it clearly wasn't rheumatoid arthritis. I completely and absolutely believe that was an attempt from Satan to block me from being used by God. If I couldn't play guitar to lead worship, I was one less tool God had to reach those kids. If someone was given a Bible, then something happened to prevent that person from having regular communication with the person who gave it to them, there are fewer opportunities for discussions. If he can make us question our beliefs, then we pull away from God. Being ashamed, blaming others, the need for approval, feeling inadequate. Satan will use whatever weakness he can find to hopefully undermine and destroy us, our relationship with God and in turn disrupt the Church.

While I know that Satan looks for those fault lines to get to us, I believe that God can show us where they are and so we can let him fix them before they become an issue. I'm not saying it's always easier that way, but the outcome is definitely better and the process is usually shorter, if we listen. Usually trials we go through are a way God points out the fault lines. I imagine trying to find a pinhole in an inertube. You know something's not quite right, cause it's leaking air and going flat, but the spot of origin has yet to be found. So, what do you do? You douse the tube in soapy water and after everything settles and rolls off, you look for the little bubbles. Sometimes I feel like God has to throw us into the depths of the soapy water so we can see that there is a leak that needs to be fixed. Once we see where the leak is, hopefully we have put Macgyver away and we can let God fix it.

When I'm in the midst of that soapy water gasping for air, this is the last thing I want to be told, but looking back after the fact it is ALWAYS true. " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 .

I know this has gotten a bit long, but I promise I'm almost done. The group Casting Crowns has an amazing song called The Voice Of Truth.  This is a video I found and wanted to share. They lyrics are amazing. So when you sense something starting to gnaw at you think about it, pray about it and see if maybe it's a fault line that needs to be fixed before you're shaken to the core.

 

Fair Catch in the Friend Zone. Take a knee.

This isn't going to be a deep or thought provoking post. In fact it may come across shallow. Who knows.

I have always gotten along with guys better than girls. Of course I had a lot of female friends in high school, but it's easier for me to be friends with a guy. They're less complicated, not as many (if any) head games. They're not going to go gossip to their friends about things I've told them. I enjoy football, wrestling, video games and action flicks just like they do. And, they give good hugs.

That being said, I have often been so compatible that I get put in the Friend Zone. Never to be thought of as anything but one of the guys. I'm sitting here watching the Duck game as I write this and watching the puts and returns, I'm seeing similarities. The teams kicker backs up, runs at the ball and sends it off to the other team with everything he's got and hopes for a return! They want that ball to come back at them in hot pursuit signaling "Game On"! I can relate to that in life. (ok maybe there's a small attempt to get deep in thought) Many times I've backed up, composed myself then thrown out everything, all my emotions, to a guy and hoped for a return. I think, come on, I put the ball in motion! Run with it!  When you watch football, you can see the defensive line set and ready for what comes back. They're amped and excited. Ready to go! So imagine the disappointment when they send that ball off only to have the other team receive it and take a knee in the end zone. No return. No pursuit. Just the defensive line trying to stop the momentum they've built. Yep. Think that analogy is pretty self explanatory. You just want someone to come back to you with the same excitement that you had giving them the ball. Too bad in relationships you can't blame anyone but yourself for pass interference.

Having been put in the friend zone by everyone up till Aaron, I dread the thought of being out there again. I don't want to just be that safe zone. I don't NEED to be in a relationship to feel complete. That's not the issue. I am my own complete person. I'm perfectly fine being single. However, after being married, I do know that is something God has designed me to be. I miss being and want to be someone's supporter, encourager and partner. I don't want someone to change everything and give up their life. I want them to let me join them. I want a reason to get all done up.

So why is it so easy to get put in the friend zone and nearly impossible to get out. Someone replaced the turf with quicksand. The harder you try, the more buried you get. I'm sure some of my friends know what I mean.

Thanks for reading lol.

Yokes aren't always in eggs

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about my future, getting back into the dating scene, hopefully getting married again someday. It made me start to think, what makes a good relationship/marriage. First off, I know it starts with having the same foundation. Having a relationship with God. Being evenly Yoked. I know that loving God and wanting to please him is important. It is from that foundation that you are able to love your partner how you should. In 4 1/2 years of marriage, Aaron and I never had one fight. Perhaps it was because there were so many larger things going on that the things we could fight over seemed insignificant and not worth the argument. I also believe it is because we always put the other before ourselves. If you're focused on putting your partner first and showing them love, you don't have time to think about the little things that annoy you or are petty. Of course putting your partner first has to be something you choose to do on a daily basis. The moment you no longer WANT to do it, but continue to do it, you can start to develop bitterness and animosity toward the other person. Also if you're on the receiving end, it's important to acknowledge the effort your partner is putting into the relationship. Let them know that you appreciate what they do. It shouldn't be something that comes to be expected, but always appreciated. I know nothing makes me want to drop everything I've been doing and quit more than a statement about the words, "how come you didn't......" or "I thought you would have (blank) by now" or "are you ever going to....". Making someone feel inadequate is not the way to motivate. Chances are if you show appreciation and compliment, you'll get they will want to do more. Nothing made me happier than knowing something I did put a smile on Aaron's face.

I know a lot of women have an issue with the word submit when it comes to vows. For me to submit doesn't mean I'm being controlled. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I'm fairly independent, will not be talked down to, and will not be controlled. Marriage/a relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. So heads up guys, I will tell you no and expect you to accept it lol. However, I do think the man should be head of the household. I think it is important for the woman to respect her man and out of love, submit to him as you would to God. I think it's important for a couple to talk things out and a woman should definitely have a say in what happens. Submitting doesn't mean you walk around saying, "yes sir" and "no sir". It means that you trust the person you're with and know that whatever decision is made that you know he has yours and his best interest in mind and you're trusting God that it's the right decision. So yes, even though I can hold my own and am perfectly comfortable saying no, I will submit because I believe that's what God asks us to do, just like he asks the men to Love their wives as Christ loved the church. Either way you look at it, you're right back to putting the other before yourself.

I love how The Message words 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
 Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end.

I believe if you base a relationship on that and never stray from God's words he will bless the relationship.

Everything's better with Xanex....almost

Well, it's been a while since I wrote one of these things, but I thought I should catch people up. Last week and this week have been quite a challenge in the anxiety/depression realm. I had a family that I was very close to make a short notice move to Florida to take care of family there. It was really hard for me to say goodbye. No only was I loosing friends, in the sense of being able to see each other, but I felt like it was just one more connection with Aaron that was leaving. I got to know them through Aaron. We spent many evenings at their house watching wrestling, Duck football, movies, enjoying banter and talking about serious stuff. I know Aaron had many talks with Bob about me and my future after he passed away. They really became part of our family. An additional Brother, sister, niece and nephew. So it was hard to help them pack and clean, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see them anytime in the foreseeable future. I did get to keep a bit of the family here by taking in their 11 year old Beagle/Bassett mix Buster, who was too old to make the trek in the moving van. I love having him. Even when he dumps the entire toy box or gets into the garbage.

This weekend is Relay for Life. This is my fourth year participating, but my first without Aaron. Last year was my first year being team captain. I was so excited! Got a lot of things accomplished, had a great tent spot, raised around $2,000 for ACS. I did everything I can to make that Relay the best it could be for Aaron knowing it would be his last. It was also great to have his parents here during that time.  This year is completely different. My husband was dieing from cancer so I felt like I needed to have a team this year. I created the team before Aaron passed. That was the easy part. Since then My anxiety about the event has become more and more of an issue. I haven't been to any of the team captain meetings this year. I planned on it, but come the day of the meeting or even hours before, I turn into a shaking crying mess and just can't do it. I did have to go to the last meeting to pick stuff up that we needed for the event and they weren't hanging out any other time. I thought well, knowing that I HAVE to go will at least get me through the door. But that's all it did. I got in, got my stuff, then made the mistake of looking around at other tables. I ended up getting a button to wear that says Relay For Life and I Miss You and has room for a picture of Aaron. That set off the water works. I sat down but just couldn't handle it and had to leave before the meeting started.

Tomorrow is the actual event. I realized that I can't do what I feel like I should be able to do. That is a hard thing for me to admit. I am very independent. As a small kid I always said, "Self do it!". My counselor has been working with me to see that the expectations I put on myself aren't always healthy or in line with what others expect of me and I need to learn to delegate and know that it's ok. I realized that about Relay about 3 weeks ago and turned my team captain roll over to two other team mates. It was a huge weight off and did take some anxiety away. I'm still finding it really hard to be excited though. This year, Relay seems like more of a reminder that Aaron's gone than a reason to raise money to fight cancer. I know when I walk in there I'm going to be completely overwhelmed with memories of the Relay's he was at, views of caregivers, friends and loved ones who still have someone in the fight or someone who had beat cancer and others who have also lost that person. I have yet to make a Luminaria for Aaron. I just can't seem to make myself do it. It's like, by putting his name on that bag makes it so much more real. It's almost like this entire event this year is a giant flashing fluorescent sign screeming "Aaron's Dead". It's much more hard to "choose joy" without Aaron here. But I will take my Xanex and go tomorrow. We'll see how long I make it. The hardest parts once I get there will be the Survivor lap and the Luminaria ceremony/walk. In case you're not familiar with the Luminaria, they are white bags  that people decorate, write on or put pictures on of people who are fighting, cured or passed away from cancer. At night they line the inside and outside of the track, all the lights are turned off and the candles in the bags are lit to form this glowing ring of memories and support. It is very emotional and quiet and beautiful. I highly recommend everyone experience it at least once in their life.

 On the topic of my disability. I think most, if not all of you know that I applied back in December of 2010 because of my severe anxiety and depression. I was denied, the denied on the appeal and have been waiting a year now for a hearing. I finally got a date for my hearing, but it's not till December 11th!! I'd love if you all would pray that my finances will stretch till I get a decision, and that the judgment will be in my favor. I have contemplated several times going back to work or thinking about what I could do after the hearing if I don't get granted the disability. I really have no idea what I would be able to do. I have looked at jobs online and just thinking about them and what the job entails starts to get anxious, cry, feel a panic in my stomach. I've had people say, just relax, or you'll get over it, but unless you have been in the position of feeling completely helpless, out of control, scared and can't see a way out, you have no idea what it's like. When you deal with depression and anxiety at this level, being realistic or logical isn't something that can be grasped at that moment.

Thank you to those who still read my blog, pray for me and give encouragement. I really do appreciate it.

Get out of the boat

Today sitting in church I realized the message spoke to me and made me think about a joke that I've used for years with one of my friends.

When the show Survivor started I used to watch regularly. My friend and I would discuss all the crazy things they had to deal with and the challenges they had to do while on whatever island they happened to be that season. We talked about how crazy the people had to be to want to be on that show. We decided that given the opportunity to be a part of survivor, we wouldn't even get off the boat. Any time we would come across something we didn't want to do (that was an option) or saw others do something that we thought was crazy, we'd say, " I wouldn't even get off the boat" and we knew what the other meant.

This morning the message was in Matthew and covered Peter getting out of the boat and walking to Jesus on the water. The challenge to us was to "get out of the boat!"

I'd like to think that given the opportunity to walk on water to Jesus that I would have the faith that He would keep me safe. Thinking and doing are very different. While I think I would have the faith, I actually predict that say something more like, " are you sure?" or "yeah right" or "I can't do that". My heart says, "heck yes I'd walk on water!!" My head says,"wouldn't even get out of the boat".

Now if He asked me to walk across a tight rope with a harness on hooked to a safety line and a net underneath, sure! But have the confidence that I'll be safe on the water??? That's different. I don't even go in the ocean beyond my knees. Sea weed could reach up and grab my legs, something could bite or sting me. Knee high is safe. I can still see far enough down into the water to know that nothing is near my feet or legs. I seem to live that way too. I'm comfortable doing things to a level that I know I can see what's around me. Anything beyond what I've done before or that goes into a place I can't see or predict is very daunting. "Wouldn't even get out of the boat" used to be just a joke about Survivor, but looking at it now, has actually become a way I live life.

Now that I've established that I need to get out of the boat, I just have to figure out the method. Do I put one leg over the side and test the water with my toe, or do I do a cannon ball and know that Jesus will bring me back to the surface and get me on my feet. I guess it depends. Can I do the cannon ball with a scuba suite on? That way in case it takes a while to get to the surface I at least have air and assistance in swimming with fins. I guess if I'm doing that I might as well stay in the boat. That's about the same level of faith.

I'm so glad God is patient and works with and on us. I'm starting to pray that God will help me get out of the boat and use me for great things. Maybe he'll allow me to use floaties for the first few steps. lol

Significant dates and amazing timing

So it's 4am Sunday morning. I've been awake for about an hour now. Don't picture myself going back to sleep before it's time to get ready for church so I thought I'd give this blog thing some thought since it's been a couple months.

I guess I just don't feel like my life is interesting enough to write as often. Yesterday was the 5 month mark of Aaron passing. February was a very difficult month for me. A lot of things happened for Aaron and I in February and having to go through those without him for the first time was more than I could have imagined. Valentine's day wasn't too bad. I was single long enough before Aaron that I kind of just went back into the mode of "it's just another day". Three days later, Friday the 17th, was what would have been our 5 year wedding anniversary. The day before was really hard. I spent the day mostly in bed sleeping trying to avoid it. I got in a real funk. Luckily I had predicted this would happen ON our anniversary so I had planned to spend the day with my best friend Rachel to distract me.

The morning of our anniversary I got up around 8 like I always do. When I walked out into the living room I saw that the sun was shining through the window in the front door and hitting only one spot in the room. It was shining directly on Aaron's urn and no where else. I didn't think it was coincidence then and I still don't. Aaron was saying hi to me that morning and reminding me that he still loves me and I'm not alone. I got ready and went to Rachel's. We didn't do anything exciting. It was just the fact that I was with someone who loves me and not sitting at home by myself getting deeper into the funk that was already started. We went to the mall and had Cinnabon for lunch. Why? Because we could. Nothing stuffs down sadness better than cinnamonny, buttery frosting covered goodness. We walked around the mall a bit then went back to her house and I spent the afternoon/evening with her and her two wonderful boys. It's hard to be sad with two kids that smile and laugh so much.

The next week was pretty hard on and off. Another significant date was coming up that Friday too. Friday the 24th was Aaron's 39th birthday.

The morning of the 24th, around 3am, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I was laying there trying to figure out what I was going to do that day. I decided that I really wanted to drive to the coast and scatter Aaron's ashes in the ocean/ beach. I was able to get back to sleep for a bit until my alarm when off at 8. I laid in bed for a while. Belle was being very cuddly. When I finally got up and walked out into the living room, once again there was the sun shining directly on Aaron's urn! This had not happened all week, since the Friday before, and hasn't happened since even though there have been sunny days. I know it was another good morning from Aaron as he was getting ready for his birthday party up in heaven.

I called Rachel when it was a decent hour to see if she was available to go to the coast with me. She was getting ready for her son's first birthday party the next day and couldn't go. So I sent a text to my friend Ivar. He had been working with the Register Guard while Aaron was sick and had gotten to know us working on stories and hanging out with us. He is currently working on something about me so I thought he would be perfect to go with me. I really wanted someone to go with just to have the company but not necessarily have a part in the scattering of the ashes. So, after he was done with school for the day, about 1:30, I put Belle in the car and we drove out to Florence. I wasn't quite ready to let all of Aaron go so I only took the ashes that didn't fit in the urn that I still had in a box. I drove to a place that Aaron and I had gone a few times. I got Belle leashed up, Ivar grabbed his cameras and we walked out on the beach. It was starting to rain/mist when we were walking out. Belle ran in and out of the water like a crazy dog. I got ready to scatter his ashes. As I walked toward the water it seemed to keep going out further and further. I kept walking out trying to get at least my feet in the water. I finally stopped and decided where I was was good enough and apparently the tide was going out. The wind had picked up by now as well as the rain and it felt like I was being pelted with hail. I opened the bag and let Aaron go. It swirled all up in the air as well as landed in a small pile at my feet. Right after I had finished, a larger wave rolled in and where all the others still hadn't come up to me, this one came in and washed over the small pile of ashes and took them out as it went. It was just absolutely perfect. Just one more moment of God's perfect timing.

Feeling absolutely assaulted by the weather and emotion building up we quickly got back to the car. After brushing off and getting my bearings again, we headed home.

Quite a few days since then have been difficult for me. While the hard days are getting less frequent since his death, it seems that when they do happen they are more intense. This Friday, the 2nd, was the 5 month anniversary of him going home. It's weird because in some sense it feels like I've been without him for much longer than 5 months and on the other had I can't believe it's already been 5 months. I like to think that Aaron would be proud of how I dealt with things and handled issues that have come up. One of my only regrets is that I wish I would have let him buy me a kiln sooner. Not for my benefit, but so he could see me using it and creating things. I know that would have given him great joy and I feel like I deprived him of that. There have been so many things that have happened or have been said recently that I just wish I could tell him. I just have to remember that he's having such an amazing time in Heaven that silly earthly things would completely pale in comparison.

I'll try to write more as I continue to move through things. While It wasn't an easy thing knowing for 2 1/2 years that Aaron was going to die from cancer, I do feel like we got to work through so many things together. Not many people get the opportunity to say everything they want to before their loved one passes away. We had the time to make sure there were no regrets and nothing went unsaid. We had discussions that most people don't even think about. Like what he wanted in a memorial service, what I was supposed to do with certain items or parts of his life insurance, even how long I should/would wait before I started dating again. A lot of those talks are private and I'm not going to share details, but I feel like I was blessed enough to get to go through quite a bit of the mourning process WITH Aaron. I know how he feels about thing and I praise God for that and know that there was no question between Aaron and I about how we felt about each other.

I do ask that you would continue to pray for me as I have rough days still. Thank you for your support thus far. Friends and family mean so much and even though I only know some of you through Facebook reading your words to me and those that have continued to be posted on Aaron's Facebook have helped so much.