Who wants to be a millionaire?

I'm angry. I wish I wasn't but at the moment I am.

This morning started out ok, but went down hill quick for me. Church was great. At one point the our pastor started talking about the false security of money. The lie that if we only had money things would be ok and that our true security is in God. He was telling us of a man who was very wealthy and would make around 45 million this year but wasn't happy with his life and wanted what someone else had even though they didn't have the money. Instead of following the point our pastor was telling us, I instantly got angry and all I could think of is this man who had a ton of money and didn't want it, yet while I don't have the need to be rich, I would like to be able to pay rent, bills and maybe give some experiences to Aaron before he dies that we can in no way even afford to dream about. The thought that 1/100 of someone's yearly pay could pay off our car, pay our rent for over a year, more than cover all of the bills people are calling us to pay and give Aaron the opportunity to take a trip or do something he won't be able to do now blows my mind. The fact that someone that doesn't want or need the money has it is what makes me mad.

Right now I would love for Aaron to be able to make one more trip down to southern California to see his friend David. I would love to see David as well. Aaron is unable to sit in a car for that length of time anymore and we can't afford to fly. So therefor something as simple as a trip to a state right next to us is no longer an option due to something as stupid as money. It makes me so mad that money dictates how we live.

I don't want to be rich or wealthy. I'd be content with knowing where the money for rent is coming more than a day before it was due. I can tell you if I had the blessing of being wealthy I would use it to help people that didn't have that luxury.

God has supplied for our needs very faithfully. I am grateful for that. I just wish, that in the little and precious time Aaron and I have together, that we had money to do things that Aaron wanted to do and experience rather than sit at home trying to figure out how to pay bills.

So if you happen to have an extra $45,000 or know someone who does, give them our number. lol

I know. "Everyone would like to do things" and "not everyone gets to do things they want", However, it still sucks.

Headaches and Halo

The title of the blog comes from the fact that I'm typing this with a terrible headache. It's been pretty constant for the last few days. It's ok in the morning then by late afternoon it shows up. My guess is stress.
The other part of the title comes from a good thing. Many of you know Aaron went down to California with his mom to say good bye to his grandma. While there his cousins were getting rid of their original x-box so Aaron came home with it and several games. One game is Halo. He loves this game, and I enjoy watching him play. Occasionally I get to help him figure out how to get out of a situation, but most of the time when he's playing I'm on the internet and can't figure out how he got there to begin with. lol
This week has had emotional ups and downs for me. I've had a hard time getting motivated in the mornings. Monday our friend Michelle came over to help me get the house back under control. We got alot done in 2 hours. Bathroom cleaned, kitchen done, everything dusted and vacuumed, including under the couch. It felt so good. Then that afternoon I got a massage. The lady I go to has lost her husband to cancer and gives discounts to cancer patient's and caregivers. She is so generous and knows that massage is a big help and relief of stress.
Yesterday, Tuesday, We were supposed to get a foster dog. We would love for Belle to have someone to play with and be a companion when we are worn out. We can't, afford to have a second dog. By fostering you get to have the enjoyment of having a dog in your house while it is between permanent homes while having the rescue pay for things. It's a win win for everyone involved. We were working with a lady from Save the Pets here in Eugene. They have dogs brought up here from high kill shelters in California. The dog that they had planned to be in our house ended up not being a good fit for Belle and our house so we will be looking at different dogs to be in our house till adopted.
I've been working on alot of necklaces this week and have put them up on my website. www.joyofglass.us. You should check it out and spread the work. I've had a few sales but not what I was hoping for. Thank you to the person who has been placing the majority of the orders. You are single handedly paying for some of our bills and we truly appreciate it.

Caring for the caregiver

Just tonight I found a website directed at people who are caregivers. I love Aaron more than I can ever say and honestly would have a hard time turning care for him over to anyone else because, of course, no one can take care of him like I can.
On the website, www.strengthforcaring.com, I found a description of caregivers that I found to apply to me more than I would like.

CANCER CAREGIVERS

A study from the Journal of Family Nursing (JFN, November, 1998 Vol.4, Issue 4) provides a glimpse into the life of a cancer caregiver. This study examined caregiver characteristics and needs through a questionnaire administered to 750 cancer caregivers who participated in the University of Pennsylvania Family Caregiver Cancer Education Program.

Who Are the Caregivers

Are you taking care of a loved one with cancer? You are not alone. More than 1.3 million cases of cancer are diagnosed each year. Studies suggest that at least 50 percent of those diagnosed with cancer will be cared for by someone in their immediate family.

Who are the cancer caregivers?

• 82 percent are female
• 71 percent are married
• 61 percent have been providing care for less than six months
• 54 percent live with the patient for whom they are caring
• 47 percent are more than 50 years old
• 36 percent reported caregiving took more than 40 hours of time per week

A Day in the Life of a Cancer Caregiver

What don’t you do? As a cancer caregiver, you spend your days preparing meals, cleaning, providing transportation, talking to health care providers, administering medication, and making sure their loved one gets everything they need. Cancer caregivers find the time to do it all…everything but take care of themselves.

Consequences of Cancer Caregiving

The Journal of Family Nursing study detailed the impact of providing care on cancer caregivers’ physical, emotional, and financial health. The results are staggering, and indicate that the caregiver needs to take care of his or herself.

Physical

• 70 percent reported taking between 1 and 10 medications per day
• 62 percent said their own health had suffered as a result of caregiving
• 25 percent reported having significant physical limitations of their own

Emotional

• 85 percent reported that they resented having to provide care
• 70 percent said their families were not working well together
• 54 percent visited friends and family less since assuming their caregiving role
• 35 percent said they were overwhelmed by their caregiving role
• 97 percent said their roles were important
• 81 percent stated that they wanted to provide care and could not live with themselves if they did not assume caregiving responsibilities

Financial

• 46 percent reported inadequate financial resources
• Caregivers frequently missed as many workdays as those patients for whom they were caring, according to a survey conducted by the Fatigue Coalition (a multidisciplinary group of medical practitioners, researchers and Patient advocates), and funded by Ortho Biotech Products, L.P.

Not many of you who read this know exactly what our reality is like. We can try to go along with "normal" life but no matter what we do, at some point or points in the day, we will think about how long or how little we have left, what we'd like to accomplish in that time, what prescriptions need to be refilled for the week, what side effects are worse this week, what side effects or pains are new that day, as well as come up with dinner, do laundry or dishes and any other thing that may come along that day. I'm not necessarily complaining as just putting the facts out there.
I guess I say all this because someone made a comment about, now that I'm not working I should have a lot more time to get things done. I know it was not meant in any sort of harmful way and was probably meant to point out that I have one less thing to think about and shouldn't be as stressed. The reality is I discovered that people really don't know how our life is and while, yes, I don't have to go to work anymore, that has been replaced by trying to find a job that will take on a new employee knowing they will need time off as well as come up with money for bills that were payed with my now nonexistent paycheck.
I hope those of you who read this post see it informational and not as pointing fingers.
Nothing is harder than caring for the one you love knowing that no matter what you do they are still going to die.