Today I'm torn. I had a working interview yesterday. I think it went well and it's a job I could do pretty easily. I was told I would hear from them today or the next day. Today as I was waiting for the phone call, which I didn't get, I realized that I this opportunity is bitter sweet.
I really felt like I was laid off to have the opportunity to spend the ever shortening time with Aaron. We have now found ourselves in a position that in order to financially survive I have to get a job. The time I have let with Aaron seems so short to me. I am terrified to go to work and miss that precious time. Yes, I will still have evenings and weekends, but those 40 hours a week that I will now miss break my heart. I want to be the one who goes to doctor appointments with him. To sit next to him when test results come back. I want to be available to go do something when he has energy to get out of the house.
I don't understand God's plan in all this. I feel like I was laid off to be able to spend time with Aaron, only to have that ripped away in the last few months we have together. I have to admit, while I know I need a job and I could do this job and it would provide me with a paycheck, insurance and possibly Aaron with insurance in a few months, there's a part of me that doesn't want it. I would give all that up to have the time with Aaron. But, if I don't have a paycheck we will continue to add up bills we can't pay.
Maybe all of you who read this should pray that our Thanksgiving Lotto ticket is the winner. lol
We thought last Christmas would be Aaron's last, but now with the insurance ending in January and Aaron being on the last chance treatment, this will be the actual last Christmas. So things that used to be as simple as decorating the tree or having Aaron put on the tree topper seem so much more important. This is the last Thanksgiving day parade we'll watch, the last birthday I'll have with him, the last Springfield Christmas parade, the last New Years, our last anniversary, Aaron's last birthday, etc...
It's not fair that I have to leave my home and husband and miss things to have a job. Of course in this economy if I'm offered a job I'm going to take it. I would be absolutely crazy not to. But at the same time I'm going to have to try even harder to fake it. I'm going to have to put on the "happy mask" seems to be more and more difficult to find.
So tomorrow I will wait again for a phone call. I'm praying for God's will and I know he has a plan, but at the same time a part of me doesn't want it. And can you blame me?
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