It's been a while since I have written. Unfortunately the task of writing and searching my brain to remember what I wanted to write at one point has also become something that causes anxiety. Then there is the thought that nothing I write matters anyway so why bother.
The last few weeks have been very difficult for me. I have had to take Xanex on an average of 5 days a week, some days more than once. Things have been so overwhelming to me that I have gone over different ways "to end things", though I could never go through with it. I do have an appointment, after payday, to go to the Dr. and talk about adding a medication along the lines of Welbutrin since my current daily medication, clearly, doesn't seem to be strong enough to deal with the anxiety and depression level I am currently at.
I was able to get approved for a patient assistance program through Pfizor to get my Effexor for free. I am also seeking help through the Community Counseling center which charges based on income. Hopefully I will be able to start counseling there soon.
As mentioned in my last post I applied for disability and as expected for the first application I was denied. Yesterday we met with an attorney to appeal the decision. At some point in the meeting he said I would probably be denied again. This kind of threw me into a tailspin. The thought of being denied again means that it could be a year or more for a hearing. If that happens then it means that it's a year or more before we have a second income and if Aaron passes away before then it leaves me with no income. I cried for most of the appointment, and that was WITH a Xanex. I was absolutely drained by the time I got home and just went to bed. Sometimes going to bed is the easiest way to cope. I can just go to sleep and pretend nothing is happening.
Today I slept till noon. Then this afternoon we will go re apply for food stamps. Here's hoping for more than $16 a month. I called the counseling center again and hopefully I will hear from someone tomorrow to get this ball on a roll.
So that's as much as I can manage to get out today.
