Get out of the boat

Today sitting in church I realized the message spoke to me and made me think about a joke that I've used for years with one of my friends.

When the show Survivor started I used to watch regularly. My friend and I would discuss all the crazy things they had to deal with and the challenges they had to do while on whatever island they happened to be that season. We talked about how crazy the people had to be to want to be on that show. We decided that given the opportunity to be a part of survivor, we wouldn't even get off the boat. Any time we would come across something we didn't want to do (that was an option) or saw others do something that we thought was crazy, we'd say, " I wouldn't even get off the boat" and we knew what the other meant.

This morning the message was in Matthew and covered Peter getting out of the boat and walking to Jesus on the water. The challenge to us was to "get out of the boat!"

I'd like to think that given the opportunity to walk on water to Jesus that I would have the faith that He would keep me safe. Thinking and doing are very different. While I think I would have the faith, I actually predict that say something more like, " are you sure?" or "yeah right" or "I can't do that". My heart says, "heck yes I'd walk on water!!" My head says,"wouldn't even get out of the boat".

Now if He asked me to walk across a tight rope with a harness on hooked to a safety line and a net underneath, sure! But have the confidence that I'll be safe on the water??? That's different. I don't even go in the ocean beyond my knees. Sea weed could reach up and grab my legs, something could bite or sting me. Knee high is safe. I can still see far enough down into the water to know that nothing is near my feet or legs. I seem to live that way too. I'm comfortable doing things to a level that I know I can see what's around me. Anything beyond what I've done before or that goes into a place I can't see or predict is very daunting. "Wouldn't even get out of the boat" used to be just a joke about Survivor, but looking at it now, has actually become a way I live life.

Now that I've established that I need to get out of the boat, I just have to figure out the method. Do I put one leg over the side and test the water with my toe, or do I do a cannon ball and know that Jesus will bring me back to the surface and get me on my feet. I guess it depends. Can I do the cannon ball with a scuba suite on? That way in case it takes a while to get to the surface I at least have air and assistance in swimming with fins. I guess if I'm doing that I might as well stay in the boat. That's about the same level of faith.

I'm so glad God is patient and works with and on us. I'm starting to pray that God will help me get out of the boat and use me for great things. Maybe he'll allow me to use floaties for the first few steps. lol

Significant dates and amazing timing

So it's 4am Sunday morning. I've been awake for about an hour now. Don't picture myself going back to sleep before it's time to get ready for church so I thought I'd give this blog thing some thought since it's been a couple months.

I guess I just don't feel like my life is interesting enough to write as often. Yesterday was the 5 month mark of Aaron passing. February was a very difficult month for me. A lot of things happened for Aaron and I in February and having to go through those without him for the first time was more than I could have imagined. Valentine's day wasn't too bad. I was single long enough before Aaron that I kind of just went back into the mode of "it's just another day". Three days later, Friday the 17th, was what would have been our 5 year wedding anniversary. The day before was really hard. I spent the day mostly in bed sleeping trying to avoid it. I got in a real funk. Luckily I had predicted this would happen ON our anniversary so I had planned to spend the day with my best friend Rachel to distract me.

The morning of our anniversary I got up around 8 like I always do. When I walked out into the living room I saw that the sun was shining through the window in the front door and hitting only one spot in the room. It was shining directly on Aaron's urn and no where else. I didn't think it was coincidence then and I still don't. Aaron was saying hi to me that morning and reminding me that he still loves me and I'm not alone. I got ready and went to Rachel's. We didn't do anything exciting. It was just the fact that I was with someone who loves me and not sitting at home by myself getting deeper into the funk that was already started. We went to the mall and had Cinnabon for lunch. Why? Because we could. Nothing stuffs down sadness better than cinnamonny, buttery frosting covered goodness. We walked around the mall a bit then went back to her house and I spent the afternoon/evening with her and her two wonderful boys. It's hard to be sad with two kids that smile and laugh so much.

The next week was pretty hard on and off. Another significant date was coming up that Friday too. Friday the 24th was Aaron's 39th birthday.

The morning of the 24th, around 3am, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I was laying there trying to figure out what I was going to do that day. I decided that I really wanted to drive to the coast and scatter Aaron's ashes in the ocean/ beach. I was able to get back to sleep for a bit until my alarm when off at 8. I laid in bed for a while. Belle was being very cuddly. When I finally got up and walked out into the living room, once again there was the sun shining directly on Aaron's urn! This had not happened all week, since the Friday before, and hasn't happened since even though there have been sunny days. I know it was another good morning from Aaron as he was getting ready for his birthday party up in heaven.

I called Rachel when it was a decent hour to see if she was available to go to the coast with me. She was getting ready for her son's first birthday party the next day and couldn't go. So I sent a text to my friend Ivar. He had been working with the Register Guard while Aaron was sick and had gotten to know us working on stories and hanging out with us. He is currently working on something about me so I thought he would be perfect to go with me. I really wanted someone to go with just to have the company but not necessarily have a part in the scattering of the ashes. So, after he was done with school for the day, about 1:30, I put Belle in the car and we drove out to Florence. I wasn't quite ready to let all of Aaron go so I only took the ashes that didn't fit in the urn that I still had in a box. I drove to a place that Aaron and I had gone a few times. I got Belle leashed up, Ivar grabbed his cameras and we walked out on the beach. It was starting to rain/mist when we were walking out. Belle ran in and out of the water like a crazy dog. I got ready to scatter his ashes. As I walked toward the water it seemed to keep going out further and further. I kept walking out trying to get at least my feet in the water. I finally stopped and decided where I was was good enough and apparently the tide was going out. The wind had picked up by now as well as the rain and it felt like I was being pelted with hail. I opened the bag and let Aaron go. It swirled all up in the air as well as landed in a small pile at my feet. Right after I had finished, a larger wave rolled in and where all the others still hadn't come up to me, this one came in and washed over the small pile of ashes and took them out as it went. It was just absolutely perfect. Just one more moment of God's perfect timing.

Feeling absolutely assaulted by the weather and emotion building up we quickly got back to the car. After brushing off and getting my bearings again, we headed home.

Quite a few days since then have been difficult for me. While the hard days are getting less frequent since his death, it seems that when they do happen they are more intense. This Friday, the 2nd, was the 5 month anniversary of him going home. It's weird because in some sense it feels like I've been without him for much longer than 5 months and on the other had I can't believe it's already been 5 months. I like to think that Aaron would be proud of how I dealt with things and handled issues that have come up. One of my only regrets is that I wish I would have let him buy me a kiln sooner. Not for my benefit, but so he could see me using it and creating things. I know that would have given him great joy and I feel like I deprived him of that. There have been so many things that have happened or have been said recently that I just wish I could tell him. I just have to remember that he's having such an amazing time in Heaven that silly earthly things would completely pale in comparison.

I'll try to write more as I continue to move through things. While It wasn't an easy thing knowing for 2 1/2 years that Aaron was going to die from cancer, I do feel like we got to work through so many things together. Not many people get the opportunity to say everything they want to before their loved one passes away. We had the time to make sure there were no regrets and nothing went unsaid. We had discussions that most people don't even think about. Like what he wanted in a memorial service, what I was supposed to do with certain items or parts of his life insurance, even how long I should/would wait before I started dating again. A lot of those talks are private and I'm not going to share details, but I feel like I was blessed enough to get to go through quite a bit of the mourning process WITH Aaron. I know how he feels about thing and I praise God for that and know that there was no question between Aaron and I about how we felt about each other.

I do ask that you would continue to pray for me as I have rough days still. Thank you for your support thus far. Friends and family mean so much and even though I only know some of you through Facebook reading your words to me and those that have continued to be posted on Aaron's Facebook have helped so much.