Facing anxiety while finding the elusive joy

I don't know where to start. I've had a rough couple weeks, with good times mixed in of course.
Almost all of you knew that I was laid off from my job in August and know that I finally found another job right before Thanksgiving. I had to quit that job after 4 1/2 days of work due to my anxiety.

Most of you don't know that anxiety and depression is something I deal with on a daily basis. Aaron and I work very hard to choose joy, and while we promote that to everyone it's easier said than done some days. I have dealt with anxiety for several years. For my last year of work at the dental office I would have a panic attack before work at least three times a month. Some days this actually prevented me from being able to go to work. Part of the reason I left that job for the vets office was because I thought maybe it was the environment that was too stressful for me. I did better for several months once I got the new job, then it started again. By this time Aaron had been diagnosed with cancer. There were days when I called in because Aaron was sick or we had been at the ER all night, but there were many days when I had to call in because I was depressed or having a panic attack and just couldn't make myself go to work that day. My absences started to come up in my reviews but due to Aaron's illness they were very understanding. It finally came to the point where due to the economy they had to let someone go from the office and it came down to the fact that even though I wasn't the newest employee, I had the most absences and it wasn't getting better. So I got laid off.

When I started looking for work the thought of going back to a job was such a daunting idea. When I got the call that I was offered a job after two interviews I actually freaked out and cried for 1/2 an hour before I had to put on my brave face and to into work that afternoon. I did not want that job. The only reason I was applying for jobs in the first place was because unemployment required it. If there had been a logical reason for me to NOT take the job I would have turned it down. I felt trapped. I knew I couldn't do the job but if I turned it down I would loose my unemployment and we couldn't pay bills without it. So I went to work. And I came home and cried. Luckily it was Thanksgiving weekend and I only had to work one day before I had a long weekend. So Monday I got up and pushed down my anxiety and went to work, then came home and cried again cause I didn't want to go back. The next day was the same. Wednesday morning was even more difficult. I went in and decided I needed to talk to my supervisor. I had taken some time off the day before for a doctors appointment where we got some upsetting news so she said it would be ok if I needed to go home for the day. A few hours later I called and quit. I just could not go back.

The next day I went to my doctor and my anti-depressant medication dose was upped as well as adding Xanex for those times where my anxiety was more than I could handle.

There are days now where the idea of doing anything is more than I can handle. There are so many things that need to be done that finding a starting point seems beyond me. A few people have been a great help. Aaron's parents have been a great help with regular house chores as well as one of our friends helping me clean. There are so many packages of paperwork that have to be done to file for the assistance we are trying to get, be it my SSD, Bridge assistance, OHP, food stamps, Volunteers in Medicine, Rx Assistance, etc. Unfortunately these are all things that not really anyone else can help us do. It feels overwhelming. This week I have had to take a Xanex almost every day and today is the first day I haven't taken at least a 2 hour nap to escape.

I have filed for Disability. I'm hoping to be approved but most people aren't on their first try and have to appeal.

So right now we are living off Aaron's social security, which doesn't pay all the bills. So that's another thing for me to be anxious about. Because I am unable to suck it up and work, we aren't able to do things. There have been days where I have thought it would be easier if I just took a handful of Aaron's meds and be done with it. I won't. Please don't email me and tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't. I think suicide is a very selfish way out and I would never do that to my family. That and I"m a big chicken.

OK, downer stuff out of the way, Aaron has had some great exposure over the bracelets. IT all started when a friend posted a picture of their Christmas house elf wearing Aaron's "Cancer sucks...Life is good...Choose joy" bracelet. My mom then put the idea out there that other people should send pictures. So Aaron started asking for pics of his bracelets with inanimate objects. I think at this point he has 40 something pics.

After people started sending in pics gawker.com posted an update with the info about the pictures. From them a Canadian primetime TV show saw the story and wanted to do an interview. So we drove to Portland for Aaron to do a satellite interview with them to air live in Canada. While we were in the portland studio they decided to interview him and run an update story since they had done one when he was selling add space on the urns. We received over 140 orders for bracelets between the website and the interviews that aired. Needless to say I'm still stuffing envelopes to mail.

It makes me happy that with all the crap that goes on in the world, people really seem to accept and take on the Choose Joy mantra for their lives. I know it means alot to Aaron to have his bracelets out there.

I had a great surprise on Christmas eve night. We had been decorating cookies that day with his parents and I made up a plate to take to the neighbors that moved into the other side of our duplex about 2 weeks ago. I took them to the door and rang the bell. One of the girls answered and the other came to the door shortly after. She was holding a glass and I thought I saw something purple on her wrist. I asked to see her bracelet and it was one of Aaron's choose joy bracelet. It caught me off guard and I asked where she got it. She said one of the nurses gave it to her at her chemo appointment. That was so awesome to me. It was such a small world.

I've decided that I want to keep the bracelet thing going after Aaron's gone. I asked Aaron to register choosejoy.com for me but it was already taken by a motivational speaker group so we now have choosejoy.org. There's nothing there yet but we own the name. I hope to have Aaron's story on there as well as a place to purchase the bracelets and maybe shirts or other choose joy things. I want Aaron's legacy to go on and to know that all the things we did and talk about choosing joy that he promoted was not in vein. There's nothing I can do about the situation he's facing right now, but I can carry on the good things later.

I"m pretty sure if you are reading this you already read Aaron's blog, but you can buy bracelets at www.judasforgiven.com.

My new challenge ( in all of my free time) is trying to find a way to make it possible for Aaron to visit out friend David in California one more time. Right now we expect that he may have a short window of opportunity to travel in the beginning of January before he starts to get too weak or there is some miraculous funding to restart chemo. We have found train tickets for about $500 round trip for both of us. Which isn't too bad, but it's more than we have. So, if you have any extra and can help me make this happen it would be awesome. There's a Paypal donation button to the right at the top of the page. If 25 people donated $20 it would make this trip happen for us.

Thank you to those of you who read my blog. I don't know that there are many, maybe not even the 25, but it's nice to know that people care. I promise I"ll try to write another one sooner than a month out this time.

Broken and broke

Today I lost it. I think it really started yesterday. As many of you know I started a job that was much needed on Wednesday of last week. I knew it was going to be difficult to do when I cried for a few hour,s after getting the call with the job offer, trying to figure out what I could do to possibly not have to take the job. But I knew I needed to buck up and go to work.

I was able to do that Wednesday afternoon and after the weekend did it again Monday morning. Tuesday morning I found that I was dealing with some anxiety but I just figured it was cause Aaron had an appointment to find out the results of his last MRI. I worked the morning then went to the appointment with him where we were told the cancer wasn't responding to the current treatment anymore and there was a new growth on the liver. So they are taking him off the current treatment and going to a combination of two drugs he's been on previously but trying them in different methods of delivery to see if it will respond to that.

I went back to work after that but found it very difficult to keep composed. At least I was able to fake it for the last 3 hours I had to work. At this point, my third day at work, I still hadn't been told for sure if the job was full or part time, what my exact pay per hour was or when pay days were. AND I had two supervisors watching over me and giving me "projects", like helping them rewrite the training manual while training from it, as well as another person who was training me. On my second day I was checking out patients, scheduling appointments and taking payments and being expected to calculate insurance and patient portions for services since everything has to be prepaid. In what universe is that logical expectations for a new employee.

Yesterday when I came home from work I cried for 1/2 an hour knowing I would have to go back. All this time knowing that time with Aaron is once again shorter.

This morning I got up and got ready for work. I could feel the anxiety building up as I showered and got dressed. It was all I could do to just make myself go out the door. I cried on and off on the way to work. Got in, sat down at my desk and lost it. I tried as hard as I could to compose myself but nothing was working. Then I got a page at my desk that a patient on the phone needed to schedule treatment. I instantly panicked. My supervisor took the call when she came back and saw me crying. My "trainer" was on the other line with a patient. I had no idea what to do. When she got off the phone I asked her if she had time to talk before it got busy but she said not till 9 to I'd have to wait almost 45 minutes. In the mean time I found easy, busy work that involved lots of papers but not a lot of knowledge so assistants and hygienists bringing up patients would think I was busy.

She finally came down and got me to go upstairs and talk. I broke down and told her that I felt like too much was being expected of me too soon and I was overwhelmed. I also told her what we had found out at the Dr. appointment the day before. She seemed very understanding. She also finally confirmed that the position was full time. But still didn't clarify what I was making per hour. She asked if I was going to be able to finish the day or if I needed to go. I said I was going to stay but needed to calm down a bit. After sitting in her office for a few minutes I still couldn't compose myself so I decided I needed to leave.

I cried most of the way home and for quite a while after I got home. That job was what we needed for Aaron to have insurance after December and I couldn't do it. Of course I'm the only one in the family putting any pressure on myself about the insurance.

So I made the decision that with everything else going on and all the stress we have already, I am just not mentally or emotionally able to work. So I called my supervisor and told her I would not be returning to work.

December 16th I have an appointment with social security I have an appointment to discuss disability due to mental situation and anxiety.

I have no idea what we will do for income. Aaron still gets his disability but that won't cover things. I feel like I really shot us in the foot on top of an already difficult situation, but I also feel like this was my only option. I can't live a life of panic attacks and trying to bury tears and emotions.

Please pray for us and our new even more questionable financial situation. I know it's Christmas and every one is tight right now but if you have anything extra we would appreciate it. There is a donation button on the right. Thanks for caring enough to read this.