Facing anxiety while finding the elusive joy

I don't know where to start. I've had a rough couple weeks, with good times mixed in of course.
Almost all of you knew that I was laid off from my job in August and know that I finally found another job right before Thanksgiving. I had to quit that job after 4 1/2 days of work due to my anxiety.

Most of you don't know that anxiety and depression is something I deal with on a daily basis. Aaron and I work very hard to choose joy, and while we promote that to everyone it's easier said than done some days. I have dealt with anxiety for several years. For my last year of work at the dental office I would have a panic attack before work at least three times a month. Some days this actually prevented me from being able to go to work. Part of the reason I left that job for the vets office was because I thought maybe it was the environment that was too stressful for me. I did better for several months once I got the new job, then it started again. By this time Aaron had been diagnosed with cancer. There were days when I called in because Aaron was sick or we had been at the ER all night, but there were many days when I had to call in because I was depressed or having a panic attack and just couldn't make myself go to work that day. My absences started to come up in my reviews but due to Aaron's illness they were very understanding. It finally came to the point where due to the economy they had to let someone go from the office and it came down to the fact that even though I wasn't the newest employee, I had the most absences and it wasn't getting better. So I got laid off.

When I started looking for work the thought of going back to a job was such a daunting idea. When I got the call that I was offered a job after two interviews I actually freaked out and cried for 1/2 an hour before I had to put on my brave face and to into work that afternoon. I did not want that job. The only reason I was applying for jobs in the first place was because unemployment required it. If there had been a logical reason for me to NOT take the job I would have turned it down. I felt trapped. I knew I couldn't do the job but if I turned it down I would loose my unemployment and we couldn't pay bills without it. So I went to work. And I came home and cried. Luckily it was Thanksgiving weekend and I only had to work one day before I had a long weekend. So Monday I got up and pushed down my anxiety and went to work, then came home and cried again cause I didn't want to go back. The next day was the same. Wednesday morning was even more difficult. I went in and decided I needed to talk to my supervisor. I had taken some time off the day before for a doctors appointment where we got some upsetting news so she said it would be ok if I needed to go home for the day. A few hours later I called and quit. I just could not go back.

The next day I went to my doctor and my anti-depressant medication dose was upped as well as adding Xanex for those times where my anxiety was more than I could handle.

There are days now where the idea of doing anything is more than I can handle. There are so many things that need to be done that finding a starting point seems beyond me. A few people have been a great help. Aaron's parents have been a great help with regular house chores as well as one of our friends helping me clean. There are so many packages of paperwork that have to be done to file for the assistance we are trying to get, be it my SSD, Bridge assistance, OHP, food stamps, Volunteers in Medicine, Rx Assistance, etc. Unfortunately these are all things that not really anyone else can help us do. It feels overwhelming. This week I have had to take a Xanex almost every day and today is the first day I haven't taken at least a 2 hour nap to escape.

I have filed for Disability. I'm hoping to be approved but most people aren't on their first try and have to appeal.

So right now we are living off Aaron's social security, which doesn't pay all the bills. So that's another thing for me to be anxious about. Because I am unable to suck it up and work, we aren't able to do things. There have been days where I have thought it would be easier if I just took a handful of Aaron's meds and be done with it. I won't. Please don't email me and tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't. I think suicide is a very selfish way out and I would never do that to my family. That and I"m a big chicken.

OK, downer stuff out of the way, Aaron has had some great exposure over the bracelets. IT all started when a friend posted a picture of their Christmas house elf wearing Aaron's "Cancer sucks...Life is good...Choose joy" bracelet. My mom then put the idea out there that other people should send pictures. So Aaron started asking for pics of his bracelets with inanimate objects. I think at this point he has 40 something pics.

After people started sending in pics gawker.com posted an update with the info about the pictures. From them a Canadian primetime TV show saw the story and wanted to do an interview. So we drove to Portland for Aaron to do a satellite interview with them to air live in Canada. While we were in the portland studio they decided to interview him and run an update story since they had done one when he was selling add space on the urns. We received over 140 orders for bracelets between the website and the interviews that aired. Needless to say I'm still stuffing envelopes to mail.

It makes me happy that with all the crap that goes on in the world, people really seem to accept and take on the Choose Joy mantra for their lives. I know it means alot to Aaron to have his bracelets out there.

I had a great surprise on Christmas eve night. We had been decorating cookies that day with his parents and I made up a plate to take to the neighbors that moved into the other side of our duplex about 2 weeks ago. I took them to the door and rang the bell. One of the girls answered and the other came to the door shortly after. She was holding a glass and I thought I saw something purple on her wrist. I asked to see her bracelet and it was one of Aaron's choose joy bracelet. It caught me off guard and I asked where she got it. She said one of the nurses gave it to her at her chemo appointment. That was so awesome to me. It was such a small world.

I've decided that I want to keep the bracelet thing going after Aaron's gone. I asked Aaron to register choosejoy.com for me but it was already taken by a motivational speaker group so we now have choosejoy.org. There's nothing there yet but we own the name. I hope to have Aaron's story on there as well as a place to purchase the bracelets and maybe shirts or other choose joy things. I want Aaron's legacy to go on and to know that all the things we did and talk about choosing joy that he promoted was not in vein. There's nothing I can do about the situation he's facing right now, but I can carry on the good things later.

I"m pretty sure if you are reading this you already read Aaron's blog, but you can buy bracelets at www.judasforgiven.com.

My new challenge ( in all of my free time) is trying to find a way to make it possible for Aaron to visit out friend David in California one more time. Right now we expect that he may have a short window of opportunity to travel in the beginning of January before he starts to get too weak or there is some miraculous funding to restart chemo. We have found train tickets for about $500 round trip for both of us. Which isn't too bad, but it's more than we have. So, if you have any extra and can help me make this happen it would be awesome. There's a Paypal donation button to the right at the top of the page. If 25 people donated $20 it would make this trip happen for us.

Thank you to those of you who read my blog. I don't know that there are many, maybe not even the 25, but it's nice to know that people care. I promise I"ll try to write another one sooner than a month out this time.