The Dating Game

Sometimes having emotions sucks. That being said, I wouldn't change how I approach relationships emotionally. I put myself out there. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always have. The way I look at it is you have to offer what you hope to receive. If I want someone to invest themselves 100% in me, it doesn't seem fair to only offer 50% or 75%. Of course that does lead to a lot more hurt.

I don't know how many people know this about me, I'm guessing not a lot, but Aaron was my first actual relationship. Of course there were tons of crushes and the Middle school “going out” where you meet at the locker on break or lunch. But I didn't date. I always figured dating is for the purpose of finding someone to marry, and since I wasn't ready to get married, why go through the heartache? I was sufficiently breaking my own heart with crushes, I didn't need to let a guy do it too. I'm guessing most of you DO know how fast Aaron and I started dating, got engaged and married. From first date to getting engaged was 5 weeks. Engagement was about 6 months. 8 months total. However, that is not the case with most relationships, so getting back into the dating scene is a bit tricky. I don't do the bar thing and to say there are slim pickin's for single guys (my age) in my church would be a generous estimate, so I've mostly looked online. Let me tell you, THAT is a craps shoot. So after several coffee dates that left everything to be desired ( including one who thought I would be impressed that he still made it to church even though he had to hitch hike, drunk, from Cougar Hot Springs to get there.) I was ecstatic to find a guy that not only had a job, car and his own teeth, but we really got along! And he was super good looking! No awkward silences, lots of laughing, we both love our dogs, enjoy football and movies and had the same beliefs. It was like I was having coffee with my best friend! To top it off, he knew what I had gone through taking care of a loved one with cancer as his daughter is a survivor.

We hung out for about 2 months before we were “boyfriend/Girlfriend”. But during that time, I was already becoming emotionally invested. After 3 months of dating, this last week, we went back to just friends. We're still great friends. In fact I'd say best friends. We both know that the other is there for us for anything, anytime and we still spend time together. But it still sucks.

Not many guys would be comfortable or willing to spend the day with a girl on the one year anniversary of her husbands death while she talks about memories and cries. He gave up his day to make sure I had everything I needed to get through that emotionally draining day. Not only that, but he looked at my Facebook first to see what he was walking into when he got here (which I don't blame him) and came to the door with coffee and a hug. Seriously, even after a breakup, how can I not love that guy

Every relationship is a risk. You're never going to find the love you desire if you don't put yourself out there for others to see. Unfortunately, being out there is risky. You can put all your best qualities out there on display and there is a very good possibility that they will be rejected or told they're just not quite what the person was looking for. If you read my stuff regularly, you know I think a lot in analogy. I picture a garage sale. You have everything out. Somethings like new, some used, some should probably just be thrown away or donated but you hope someone will still want them. People will come and wander through, looking then leave. Some will want back story on an item before they decide. Some will want to compromise on what you're willing to take. Sometimes you even get the person that picks up one of the nicer things and you rush over and tell them, “I'm sorry, that's not available. I don't know how it got out there”, only to put it back once they're gone. What you really want is for that perfect person to come up, look through everything and say “I'll take it all”.

.So I guess what it comes down to is, I'd rather put myself out there and get hurt over and over to find complete, true love than be guarded and settle for mediocre love because that's all I'm willing to put out there. What now? Good question.