The Incredible Shrinking Me

So my last post on juicing....That lasted all of three days. lol. I ended up going to my doctor to talk about it and he said that while everything you get is good, and you will loose weight, It doesn't teach you how to eat. As soon as you start eating again, you will put weight back on. So I decided to do weight watchers again. I did it with aaron's mom a while back and lost 24 pounds, but stopped due to finances.

I started this time at the highest weight I've been at. I'm still deciding how open I'm going to be, if I'm going to share that or not. lol. I may later. The first week, all I did was change my eating. I didn't exercise. Honestly, I felt as if I needed to loos some weight before I could have any energy or stamina to exercise. I did loose 6 pounds that first week, just from changing my eating. What?! You mean I don't have pizza or fast food every night and I loose weight?! Who'd a thunk? (facepalm)

I started swimming the next week. Ok, so not so much swimming as jogging laps in the water. I started off doing an hour. Looking back, I probably should have gone for a half hour. lol. When I got out of the pool my legs were like rubber and I almost fell. Like trying to jump after getting off a trampoline. That evening, I had muscles hurting that I hadn't thought about since I took anatomy in college. By the next day, It hurt to breath. No really, my abdominal muscles and back muscles were SO sore. Thank God for advil! I continued going once a week till I didn't hurt after anymore, then I started twice a week. I almost felt like I wasn't doing enough since I wasn't sore anymore, but I was still seeing results on the scale. Now I have gotten to where I look forward to going and sometimes go just cause I'm bored at home. It especially got more fun when I got a waterproof MP3 player. I put an upbeat mix on there ( Barlow Girl, Superchick, Kelly Clarkson, Pink, Skillet, Lady Gaga) and just put on my headphones and go! When I get back to the first song, I kow it's been an hour.

I have finally gotten to a point where I can swim down and back (breaststroke or freestyle)without feeling like my lungs are going to burst. I try to add more each time I go. My goal is to be able to go swim for an hour and not have to water jog. I plan to keep this as my main source of exercise. I love that it's no impact and seeing as how I've had stress fractures in my feet multiple times, and my shins kill me walking on pavement, it really seems like the best option. Plus, I get way more activity points in WW than I would for an hour of walking. I also got a bike that I need to start riding more often, It's just been so stinkin' hot! (another reason for the pool) Other than that it's strength training at home with my video and weights on days I don't swim.

I weigh in on Sundays and as of today I have lost 33 pounds! I know I need to loose upwards of 100 pounds, but I am just taking 10 pounds at a time. It's a lot less intimidating. Someone mentioned me blogging my journey, so I'm going to try to keep this more up to date than I have been.

Thanks to those who have continued to read this! I appreciate your support.

How much juice can a juicer juice?

7/25/13 Update: Juicing lasted 2 days. After talking with my doctor, I started weight watchers instead.


Ok, so if you're friends with me on Facebook, I'm sure you've seen some or all of my recent posts about making a change after watching multiple documentaries on Netflix. The ones that I watched were "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead", "FoodMatters", "Hungry For Change", "Forks Over Knives" and "Vegucated". I've watched all of these in the last three days after being completely frustrated with clothes not fitting and getting yet another virus. I have looked back over other things that I have tried and decided just cutting back clearly wasn't an option. I needed to completely clear out my refrigerator and cupboard so there isn't even an option of eating other things or cheating.

I, in no way, think this is going to be easy. I am a food addict. I eat when I'm bored, depressed, anxious, PMSing, to be social,  etc. I spend most of the day thinking about food. What I want to eat, what I actually have in the house to eat, what I can have without having to cook, what I want to get when I go shopping, what I know I should eat. I needed to see the stuff in those documentaries to shock me into wanting to change. I don't feel like I'm going into this on a whim like I have other things. I have researched juice fasting online and will be consulting my doctor to make sure he thinks it's safe for longer than just a few days. Just like any other addict, I know I'm going to go through withdrawals and a detox period. From what I understand as the fat cells detox, you can sometimes go through things in reverse. I may feel effects of medications that have been stored up,toxins from over processed foods, skin breakouts, irritability, low energy, headaches, cravings, fever, cold symptoms. Sounds like fun huh? They say it happens for 3-5 days depending on how much stuff needs to come out. I'm guessing I'll be closer to the 5 days. I haven't exactly put good things into my body. If I had, I wouldn't be where I am. So, while it's gonna suck to start, I know I'll feel better after. I'm hoping to loose weight, stop having to take an iron pill, get off my cholesterol medication and have more energy.

Several times, Aaron talked about wanting to go vegitarian in hopes of reversing his cancer growth. During and after watching the documentaries, where people have prevented and reversed cancer and other major health issues,I couldn't help but think I should have done it then! Maybe if I had made the change then, I'd still have Aaron. I should have gotten over my fear of change and just done it! But, as my friend Karen always tells me, "Don't should yourself to death". It's true. I can only handle so much at once. I think with everything else I've had going on in the last few years, if I would have made this big of a change on top of that, it probably would have pushed me over the edge.

Oh, Have I mentioned that I hate vegetables? Haha.Yep. My idea of eating vegetables is having tomato sauce and mushrooms on my pizza. So, Here I go! Since I don't have anyone doing this with me, I plan on blogging. not so much to get pats on the back, although encouragement is awesome, but to be accountable to someone. I hate disappointing people,so if I've talked all this up and made it so public, I'm less likely to cave and quit. I know I want to juice fast for at least two weeks, with the Dr's ok I'd like to go for a month. After that I want to try the vegan lifestyle. I'm sure I'll have to re watch some of those documentaries to remind myself why I'm doing this when things get really hard. But for now, I'm determined and motivated. So let the detox begin!

Remind me who I am

Yesterday I got home from my church women's retreat.  It was awesome. A weekend of 29 women sharing and bonding with eachother while learning/remembering who God says we are. The theme was "Remind me who I am" and was based off this song and video by Jason Gray.

Throughout Friday night and all day Saturday, we wrote our labels on pieces of cardboard and put them in a bag where they were taken and hung on the windows. No one knew who put what into the bag. I think Christians are held to higher standards or thought of as having it all together by others. Guess what, we're just as messed up. The things that were written on those signs were heartbreaking. How could we have such labels on ourselves. Not worthy, abandoned, adulterer, addict, disgusting, undesirable, lost, alone, unknown, outsider.....  It was so sad so sit and look at all the horrible things we call ourselves. Whether the labels are put on us by ourselves, others or circumstances beyond out control, we take these on as truths and carry them around with us. On Friday night I spoke along with three others. It was a weekend of vulnerability, trust, relating and learning the truth.

I've always been very open on here and know that is a risk, but I think the benefits far outweigh those risks. Here is what I wrote and said Friday night when I talked:
       

"When I was asked to talk about a label that I had, I really didn’t know which one to pick. I have had many in the 32 years I’ve been alive. I think the labels that I’ve put on myself or assume others have put on me, are worse than what others have actually put on me. Until I married Aaron, I had gone to the same church all my life and I was Ruth and Allan’s daughter. Then I got married and Aaron got sick. Aaron was in the media and had been on stage so much that I became Aaron’s wife. I also gained the label caregiver. Those weren’t bad labels. But during that time I was also labeling myself. Fat, I have always battled weight. I can’t think of an age that I was ever small or average. Lazy, I was the woman of the house and should have been able to maintain a pristine house keeping up with laundry and dishes and get dinner on the table by 6 every night as well as take care of Aaron and meet all his needs. Never mind that my anxiety was worse than ever and my husband was dying. That in itself was draining me more than anything.

After Aaron passed, I became Aaron’s widow. This was a hard one for me. There aren’t many widows my age and none that I knew. I didn’t know what the protocol of being a widow was. It was like being sent into a maze blindfolded. No one told me that if I did certain things there may be land mines. Unfortunately labels can come with expectations. I felt Aaron and I had dealt with so much beforehand and had an opportunity to grieve together, so I didn’t feel that tremendous sorrow that was expected by some. I felt relief that he wasn’t in pain anymore, also that I didn’t have to stress or worry about every move he made wondering if he was going to fall or get injured. I felt hope that I would see him again in heaven and I knew this was not the end. Well, Relief and hope are not what people think of when they think widow, so that left me feeling like a failure cause I wasn’t grieving correctly. So many labels can come without the situation or the person being fully understood. I’m guilty of thinking things or assuming things and labeling them without all the facts. Most people are. Although after being the one labeled, I do it less now.

So with all those labels in my past and some still applying, the main label that seems to be the umbrella to all the others is who am I? I’m unknown. Who is Kristin? True I am still Ruth and Allen’s daughter, I’m still Aaron’s widow, I still have days, even weeks where I feel that I am fat and lazy and assume others do as well. All those things are not WHO I am though. Whether they be true or not, those things are the WHAT, not the WHO. God has amazing timing because I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where to start to find me. There’s no map that says “you are here”. I do know that I haven’t been through everything I’ve been through for nothing. There’s a reason. I have definitely grown and changed a huge amount in the last 4 years. Again I can pinpoint WHAT I have become, but where do those things work into WHO I am? It’s difficult to find yourself. I know I’m God’s child, but how does that apply to me specifically. I don’t often feel like that defines me. People who are not Christians and even some Christians assume that cause you are a believer, you must have everything together. I am far from that. Most days the only thing I have put together is my outfit and even that’s sketchy some days.

I think in analogies a lot. So I hope I don’t lose anyone here. It’s like I’m staring at a puzzle. I have the edges put together for a foundation, but I still have 1500 pieces scattered all over and have no idea what the picture is that I’m supposed to be putting together. Some days I just sit and stare at the pieces, some days I wanna just flip the table and say heck with it! Patience is not something I excel in. And it’s definitely something I’ve learned not to pray for. Frequently, I just have to get up and walk away from the puzzle. Some days I feel like Satan is sitting there handing me pieces, saying “no trust me it will fit. Just push harder.” They don’t fit. They didn’t even come in this box! But I sit there and try to push them in with the other pieces like it belongs. I need to stop and look at who’s giving me the piece before I get overwhelmed and give up all together. While I may not know where all the pieces go, I’m hoping that somehow, be it this weekend, scripture, a word from someone, I’ll at least start to see the picture on the lid. Something that gives me hope that who I am is more than just 2000 pieces scattered all over. But as for right now, that’s who I am. The definition of Kristin as an individual is still unknown"

Friday night the women that spoke about their labels all left the end open. Unresolved. Still carrying those labels. On Saturday we started to learn about the truth. Romans 12:2- Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. That is what we all need to do. Renew our minds. Take out all the lies we have been told by the devil and fill those places with the truth of God. There is no label we can take on ourselves that hasn't been around since the beginning of time. No label that can't be changed. No label that is too bad for Him to call us Beloved. 

1 Peter 2:9- But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 

1 John 3:1- See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 

The definition of Lavish is : expending or bestowing profusely, expended or produced in abundance,
marked by profusion or excess. The origin of the word is Middle English laves, lavage, probably from Middle French lavasse, lavache downpour of rain, from laver to wash. 

That means that not only does God love us (ALL of us, not just "Christians"), but by lavishing us in his love he is giving it in excess, abundance, profusely! We are being washes by a downpour of his love. Drenched. And that love that he lavishes on us in Unfailing (Psalms 13:5). 

While we were sitting listening to the speaker Saturday night, learning all these things in the verses I posted above, something awesome happened. Something that gave me chills as well as a great feeling of just how powerful God is. As we were all sitting there, 29  of us saw it happen, the cardboard signs we had written our labels on started to fall off the window. It wasn't all of them at once, but one at a time they just dropped to the floor. I'm sure skeptics would say that it was moisture on the window, or the sign was too heavy for the tape, but we all knew that it was no coincidence. God was physically showing us that those labels were being stripped away. By the end of the night 10 labels had fallen. 

When we got up Sunday morning, all our labels had been turned over and read "Beloved". (That we do know was done by one of the organizers of the retreat.) That is the truth of what God tells us. We are not all those things that we had written down. The Bible tells us that we are Sons (and daughters) of God, adopted in, children of God, heirs of God and coheirs with Christ! We are reconciled to God, Ambassadors for Christ, Righteousness of God in Him. We are a new image. We are chosen, a Royal priesthood, a people for God's possession. 

Those labels blow my mind. I know that in no way am I worthy of any of those. I am human. I screw up. Sometimes big time! But because Jesus came, took on all the sin of the world and was crucified, God doesn't see any my junk. Instead all he sees is the blood of Jesus covering me. Giving me the opportunity to take on all the labels that he gives us to cover up all the ones we have from the world. All I have to do is believe and accept that gift. Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we have victory over death giving us eternal life in heaven. 

All of that is amazing!! Of course if wouldn't be a women's retreat without fun and games as well. Saturday afternoon/night we had many things to choose from. There was a spa set up with facials, we decorated mugs with Sharpie and baked them, made chapstick, painted nails, did puzzles, made decorative pennants that said "Spring" and of course snacked!

                                                             Mmmmm.....snacks.

                            This is my polish. there were two other baskets with others in them.

                                                   The mug that says Beloved is mine.


This was an amazing weekend. While I missed my own bed and my pup, I learned so much, was refreshed and created stronger bonds with the women of my church. Lots of tears, lots of laughs and lots of memories. Can't wait for next year!

 

The Dating Game

Sometimes having emotions sucks. That being said, I wouldn't change how I approach relationships emotionally. I put myself out there. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always have. The way I look at it is you have to offer what you hope to receive. If I want someone to invest themselves 100% in me, it doesn't seem fair to only offer 50% or 75%. Of course that does lead to a lot more hurt.

I don't know how many people know this about me, I'm guessing not a lot, but Aaron was my first actual relationship. Of course there were tons of crushes and the Middle school “going out” where you meet at the locker on break or lunch. But I didn't date. I always figured dating is for the purpose of finding someone to marry, and since I wasn't ready to get married, why go through the heartache? I was sufficiently breaking my own heart with crushes, I didn't need to let a guy do it too. I'm guessing most of you DO know how fast Aaron and I started dating, got engaged and married. From first date to getting engaged was 5 weeks. Engagement was about 6 months. 8 months total. However, that is not the case with most relationships, so getting back into the dating scene is a bit tricky. I don't do the bar thing and to say there are slim pickin's for single guys (my age) in my church would be a generous estimate, so I've mostly looked online. Let me tell you, THAT is a craps shoot. So after several coffee dates that left everything to be desired ( including one who thought I would be impressed that he still made it to church even though he had to hitch hike, drunk, from Cougar Hot Springs to get there.) I was ecstatic to find a guy that not only had a job, car and his own teeth, but we really got along! And he was super good looking! No awkward silences, lots of laughing, we both love our dogs, enjoy football and movies and had the same beliefs. It was like I was having coffee with my best friend! To top it off, he knew what I had gone through taking care of a loved one with cancer as his daughter is a survivor.

We hung out for about 2 months before we were “boyfriend/Girlfriend”. But during that time, I was already becoming emotionally invested. After 3 months of dating, this last week, we went back to just friends. We're still great friends. In fact I'd say best friends. We both know that the other is there for us for anything, anytime and we still spend time together. But it still sucks.

Not many guys would be comfortable or willing to spend the day with a girl on the one year anniversary of her husbands death while she talks about memories and cries. He gave up his day to make sure I had everything I needed to get through that emotionally draining day. Not only that, but he looked at my Facebook first to see what he was walking into when he got here (which I don't blame him) and came to the door with coffee and a hug. Seriously, even after a breakup, how can I not love that guy

Every relationship is a risk. You're never going to find the love you desire if you don't put yourself out there for others to see. Unfortunately, being out there is risky. You can put all your best qualities out there on display and there is a very good possibility that they will be rejected or told they're just not quite what the person was looking for. If you read my stuff regularly, you know I think a lot in analogy. I picture a garage sale. You have everything out. Somethings like new, some used, some should probably just be thrown away or donated but you hope someone will still want them. People will come and wander through, looking then leave. Some will want back story on an item before they decide. Some will want to compromise on what you're willing to take. Sometimes you even get the person that picks up one of the nicer things and you rush over and tell them, “I'm sorry, that's not available. I don't know how it got out there”, only to put it back once they're gone. What you really want is for that perfect person to come up, look through everything and say “I'll take it all”.

.So I guess what it comes down to is, I'd rather put myself out there and get hurt over and over to find complete, true love than be guarded and settle for mediocre love because that's all I'm willing to put out there. What now? Good question.