This weekend is Relay for Life. This is my fourth year participating, but my first without Aaron. Last year was my first year being team captain. I was so excited! Got a lot of things accomplished, had a great tent spot, raised around $2,000 for ACS. I did everything I can to make that Relay the best it could be for Aaron knowing it would be his last. It was also great to have his parents here during that time. This year is completely different. My husband was dieing from cancer so I felt like I needed to have a team this year. I created the team before Aaron passed. That was the easy part. Since then My anxiety about the event has become more and more of an issue. I haven't been to any of the team captain meetings this year. I planned on it, but come the day of the meeting or even hours before, I turn into a shaking crying mess and just can't do it. I did have to go to the last meeting to pick stuff up that we needed for the event and they weren't hanging out any other time. I thought well, knowing that I HAVE to go will at least get me through the door. But that's all it did. I got in, got my stuff, then made the mistake of looking around at other tables. I ended up getting a button to wear that says Relay For Life and I Miss You and has room for a picture of Aaron. That set off the water works. I sat down but just couldn't handle it and had to leave before the meeting started.
Tomorrow is the actual event. I realized that I can't do what I feel like I should be able to do. That is a hard thing for me to admit. I am very independent. As a small kid I always said, "Self do it!". My counselor has been working with me to see that the expectations I put on myself aren't always healthy or in line with what others expect of me and I need to learn to delegate and know that it's ok. I realized that about Relay about 3 weeks ago and turned my team captain roll over to two other team mates. It was a huge weight off and did take some anxiety away. I'm still finding it really hard to be excited though. This year, Relay seems like more of a reminder that Aaron's gone than a reason to raise money to fight cancer. I know when I walk in there I'm going to be completely overwhelmed with memories of the Relay's he was at, views of caregivers, friends and loved ones who still have someone in the fight or someone who had beat cancer and others who have also lost that person. I have yet to make a Luminaria for Aaron. I just can't seem to make myself do it. It's like, by putting his name on that bag makes it so much more real. It's almost like this entire event this year is a giant flashing fluorescent sign screeming "Aaron's Dead". It's much more hard to "choose joy" without Aaron here. But I will take my Xanex and go tomorrow. We'll see how long I make it. The hardest parts once I get there will be the Survivor lap and the Luminaria ceremony/walk. In case you're not familiar with the Luminaria, they are white bags that people decorate, write on or put pictures on of people who are fighting, cured or passed away from cancer. At night they line the inside and outside of the track, all the lights are turned off and the candles in the bags are lit to form this glowing ring of memories and support. It is very emotional and quiet and beautiful. I highly recommend everyone experience it at least once in their life.
On the topic of my disability. I think most, if not all of you know that I applied back in December of 2010 because of my severe anxiety and depression. I was denied, the denied on the appeal and have been waiting a year now for a hearing. I finally got a date for my hearing, but it's not till December 11th!! I'd love if you all would pray that my finances will stretch till I get a decision, and that the judgment will be in my favor. I have contemplated several times going back to work or thinking about what I could do after the hearing if I don't get granted the disability. I really have no idea what I would be able to do. I have looked at jobs online and just thinking about them and what the job entails starts to get anxious, cry, feel a panic in my stomach. I've had people say, just relax, or you'll get over it, but unless you have been in the position of feeling completely helpless, out of control, scared and can't see a way out, you have no idea what it's like. When you deal with depression and anxiety at this level, being realistic or logical isn't something that can be grasped at that moment.
Thank you to those who still read my blog, pray for me and give encouragement. I really do appreciate it.
