So. This past month has been quite a journey. Not only is the road hard to follow, not knowing where it will end, but it seems to disappear at points and reappear 30ft over under a rock.
Right after Aaron passed I felt this huge weight lifted. Relief. He was no longer in pain. I didn't have to worry about him being sick, falling, being in pain. I didn't have to worry about who was going to stay with him while I went out. I had lived with a fear of something happening to him for almost a year and nothing I could do about it. I had spent 2 1/2 years watching the one I love decline, helpless to do anything about it but try to make him comfortable. To have that worry, fear and stress no longer dictating my day felt great. Of course in the midst of that relief the most important person to me was missing. I no longer had my best friend. The one person who loved me as I was, thought I was sexy in sweats with bed head and always put me first.
November 2nd caught me off guard. Already one month without Aaron. The relief, while still there, is now significantly smothered with grief. So many times I have seen something or thought something and the first one that comes to mind to tell is Aaron. If we could take things with us when we die, I'd start a list so I'd remember everything to tell him. The hardest thing for me is I have yet to have a dream with Aaron is in and I so badly want to see his face and talk with him, feel his arms around me, hear his voice. I pray at night to see Aaron in my dreams, but all I have are pictures.
Aaron and I talked about many things that he wanted for me after he was gone. He made it very clear that he wanted me to be happy and live life. He wanted me to find something within myself and continue on. Remarry. Have kids if I chose to. Knowing what he wanted I have started to do some of those things. As promised, I purchased a kiln to do glass fusing. Aaron always wanted me to have my own kiln and pursue my glass fusing. I have made a couple other purchases and planned a trip. I've had mixed responses from people about me spending money after people donated. I want to be very clear that I did pay medical bills. I have not spent any money that I received as donations after Aaron's passing on these purchases. Although I also feel like I shouldn't have to make account to everyone on how I spend my money. I assume most of you know that I could take back everything I have bought and cancel anything I have planned and give back any money I received to have Aaron back. I greatly appreciate all the donations I have received, both before and after Aaron passed. There are many times that if it hadn't been for the donations we would have been able to pay rent. I know Aaron wanted me to be happy. He loved to give me things and surprise me. I share what I'm doing not to throw it in people's faces that I'm spending money, but because I'm happy and proud of myself for being strong enough to move on and I want to share that with people and have them happy for me.
I'll try to write more often. Things are really up and down for me. I am currently still waiting for a hearing on my disability claim. I have had to add one additional anti-anxiety med since Aaron passed away. I have difficulty sleeping. I have been having complications with my reproductive system. Some of you may remember I had a problem with an ovarian cyst on our way down to California a little over a year ago. I had an ultrasound done a couple weeks ago and had an appointment today to discuss the findings. The ultrasound showed a 4cm polyp in my uterus as well as 4 cysts on my right ovary each 2-3cm in size. So this explains the issues I've been having. I will have to have surgery to remove the polyp and cysts. Depending on how things look after they take the cysts my doctor may remove my right ovary as well. They will to a D and C to rule out cancer, although she does not suspect any due to my age and shape of the polyp. It's not something that needs to be done right away so thankfully it won't interfere with the trips I have planned. I most likely won't have the surgery till January and the recovery time should be short. I've never had a surgery and am fairly apprehensive so prayers would be appreciated.
Thank you all for continuing to read my blog.
