Sadness

I feel like I should blog but I'm not sure exactly what to write. I'm sad today. No specific reason that I can pin point. Just am. Today was the first time in two weeks that I had time at home without Aaron. He was out for a few hours to get some things done for the show tomorrow night. (Cosmic Pizza, 7:30 Aaron's opening for The Lost Dogs. $10 per person or $30 for a family) I got some dishes done, cleaned up most of the living room and vacuumed. Then for some reason sadness hit me. I love having time with Aaron. In a way it was great timing for me to get laid off. On the other hand it's very overwhelming to be a caregiver 24 hours a day. I wouldn't have it any other way. I want to be the one making sure Aaron's taken care of like he should be, but it is hard to not have any ME time. I know that all I would have to do is say the word and I could go do what ever I wanted, get out of the house, go for a walk, go do glass work... But I guess I feel like I need to be here. I've put myself in this position. Aaron never makes me feel like I have to take care of him.
The other night when Aaron was rehearsing he was using a guitar that was given to him. He sold what I consider still to be HIS guitar a while back to pay bills. It was one that he actually picked out and purchased, not one that happen to be available when he needed one or one that someone gave to him as a loaner. This was one that he looked for and chose himself. Even though we sold it we've been storing it unused for the person who bought it. Well, that night I realized that I wanted that guitar when he is gone. It's the guitar that I see as HIS and realized just how much it meant to me. After realizing this I contacted the person who bought it and explained the situation. They graciously said I could have it. I didn't even need to pay them back for it. I was/am so grateful. SO now not only does Aaron get to fill a bucket wish item of opening for The Lost Dogs, he gets to play HIS guitar.
Tomorrow morning we get the results from his MRI last week. This is bitter sweet. I'm kinda scared. What ever the results I know we'll make a decision together and will go through it together.
I put a resume in at the Cancer center that Aaron goes to this week. I felt like I needed to do that. But I'm torn on working. I don't want to regret not having time with Aaron because I had to go to work. But we also need to pay bills. I will be getting unemployment. This month will be tight. I filed too late(Monday morning) my first week off work for that to qualify as my waiting week. So this week is actually my waiting week, which means that I won't get a check till next week. So if you want to help out at all and get some Christmas shopping done, check out my website. www.joyofglass.us. There's fused glass pendants and necklaces on there right now and I will be putting some Oregon Duck colored pendants and earrings soon. Check 'em out!

The Joy of Glass

Sitting in the chemo room with Aaron while he gets injected with poisons. Platelets were low today so he's only getting 1/2 the medication. Our friend Bob stopped by to say hi before Aaron went in to the Benedryl sleep. Right now I'm glad I was layed off. The whole no paycheck thing sucks but I'm getting unemployment and I get to spend the time with Aaron which is more important to me. It's also less stressful for me since I'm not exhausted with a list of things that still need to be done after getting home at 6 or 6:30. I'm torn between wanting to look for a job because I feel like I need to be working since I always have. BUT every time I think about looking I start to have anxiety about not being with Aaron. I feel like time is so precious right now.
We checked into me getting payed to be Aaron's care giver but he has to be receiving Medicaid for that to happen, but there's a another year wait before he qualifies to get on it. Man the system is screwed up. We will be submitting paperwork to see if we finally qualify for government assistance. We've always fallen into the category of make too much to qualify but don't make enough to get what we need. Plus I'll need some type of insurance for my prescriptions. I've never been one who was willing to or wanted to "live off the government" but I kinda feel at this point that I've payed into it for about 10 years now and 6 or 7 months isn't going to drain the system. Plus I'll never actually get to collect the social security I've paid into either. So I'll take that now please Uncle Sam.
Last week I went to do glass fusing. It's both a method of stress relief and hopefully a way to bring in some extra money. I set up a shop on Etsy.com and Aaron registered the name joyofglass.us for me. I'm really hoping this takes off and I'm able to do jewelry and glass work enough to have an income.
Thanks to some friends who let have the use of they're beach house we were able to get away to Lincoln City this last weekend. It was beautiful weather. I walked from the house down to the beach at one point to see the tide pools. This consisted of walking up and down two fairly steep hills and down 125 stairs to reach the beach where I then walked out a ways to get to the tide pools. Of course this was followed by the return trip UP 125 stairs and up and down the same two steep hills to get back. I claim brief insanity for thinking this was a good idea. The tide pools were beautiful. I was able to see so many star fish and sea anemones, which I have never seen outside the aquarium. There were huge rocks covered in muscles and barnacles as well. So amazing. Of course it's three days later and I still can't flex my calf muscles without wincing. I guess I can claim that as equivalent to three days on the wii fit.
So the rest of this week I plan on working around the house and making jewelry to put on the website. I'm excited about the new beads I got at a shop on the coast. Please tell your friends about my jewelry and new website www.joyofglass.us. I'd love to have to make more to replace what's sold.