Remind me who I am

Yesterday I got home from my church women's retreat.  It was awesome. A weekend of 29 women sharing and bonding with eachother while learning/remembering who God says we are. The theme was "Remind me who I am" and was based off this song and video by Jason Gray.

Throughout Friday night and all day Saturday, we wrote our labels on pieces of cardboard and put them in a bag where they were taken and hung on the windows. No one knew who put what into the bag. I think Christians are held to higher standards or thought of as having it all together by others. Guess what, we're just as messed up. The things that were written on those signs were heartbreaking. How could we have such labels on ourselves. Not worthy, abandoned, adulterer, addict, disgusting, undesirable, lost, alone, unknown, outsider.....  It was so sad so sit and look at all the horrible things we call ourselves. Whether the labels are put on us by ourselves, others or circumstances beyond out control, we take these on as truths and carry them around with us. On Friday night I spoke along with three others. It was a weekend of vulnerability, trust, relating and learning the truth.

I've always been very open on here and know that is a risk, but I think the benefits far outweigh those risks. Here is what I wrote and said Friday night when I talked:
       

"When I was asked to talk about a label that I had, I really didn’t know which one to pick. I have had many in the 32 years I’ve been alive. I think the labels that I’ve put on myself or assume others have put on me, are worse than what others have actually put on me. Until I married Aaron, I had gone to the same church all my life and I was Ruth and Allan’s daughter. Then I got married and Aaron got sick. Aaron was in the media and had been on stage so much that I became Aaron’s wife. I also gained the label caregiver. Those weren’t bad labels. But during that time I was also labeling myself. Fat, I have always battled weight. I can’t think of an age that I was ever small or average. Lazy, I was the woman of the house and should have been able to maintain a pristine house keeping up with laundry and dishes and get dinner on the table by 6 every night as well as take care of Aaron and meet all his needs. Never mind that my anxiety was worse than ever and my husband was dying. That in itself was draining me more than anything.

After Aaron passed, I became Aaron’s widow. This was a hard one for me. There aren’t many widows my age and none that I knew. I didn’t know what the protocol of being a widow was. It was like being sent into a maze blindfolded. No one told me that if I did certain things there may be land mines. Unfortunately labels can come with expectations. I felt Aaron and I had dealt with so much beforehand and had an opportunity to grieve together, so I didn’t feel that tremendous sorrow that was expected by some. I felt relief that he wasn’t in pain anymore, also that I didn’t have to stress or worry about every move he made wondering if he was going to fall or get injured. I felt hope that I would see him again in heaven and I knew this was not the end. Well, Relief and hope are not what people think of when they think widow, so that left me feeling like a failure cause I wasn’t grieving correctly. So many labels can come without the situation or the person being fully understood. I’m guilty of thinking things or assuming things and labeling them without all the facts. Most people are. Although after being the one labeled, I do it less now.

So with all those labels in my past and some still applying, the main label that seems to be the umbrella to all the others is who am I? I’m unknown. Who is Kristin? True I am still Ruth and Allen’s daughter, I’m still Aaron’s widow, I still have days, even weeks where I feel that I am fat and lazy and assume others do as well. All those things are not WHO I am though. Whether they be true or not, those things are the WHAT, not the WHO. God has amazing timing because I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where to start to find me. There’s no map that says “you are here”. I do know that I haven’t been through everything I’ve been through for nothing. There’s a reason. I have definitely grown and changed a huge amount in the last 4 years. Again I can pinpoint WHAT I have become, but where do those things work into WHO I am? It’s difficult to find yourself. I know I’m God’s child, but how does that apply to me specifically. I don’t often feel like that defines me. People who are not Christians and even some Christians assume that cause you are a believer, you must have everything together. I am far from that. Most days the only thing I have put together is my outfit and even that’s sketchy some days.

I think in analogies a lot. So I hope I don’t lose anyone here. It’s like I’m staring at a puzzle. I have the edges put together for a foundation, but I still have 1500 pieces scattered all over and have no idea what the picture is that I’m supposed to be putting together. Some days I just sit and stare at the pieces, some days I wanna just flip the table and say heck with it! Patience is not something I excel in. And it’s definitely something I’ve learned not to pray for. Frequently, I just have to get up and walk away from the puzzle. Some days I feel like Satan is sitting there handing me pieces, saying “no trust me it will fit. Just push harder.” They don’t fit. They didn’t even come in this box! But I sit there and try to push them in with the other pieces like it belongs. I need to stop and look at who’s giving me the piece before I get overwhelmed and give up all together. While I may not know where all the pieces go, I’m hoping that somehow, be it this weekend, scripture, a word from someone, I’ll at least start to see the picture on the lid. Something that gives me hope that who I am is more than just 2000 pieces scattered all over. But as for right now, that’s who I am. The definition of Kristin as an individual is still unknown"

Friday night the women that spoke about their labels all left the end open. Unresolved. Still carrying those labels. On Saturday we started to learn about the truth. Romans 12:2- Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. That is what we all need to do. Renew our minds. Take out all the lies we have been told by the devil and fill those places with the truth of God. There is no label we can take on ourselves that hasn't been around since the beginning of time. No label that can't be changed. No label that is too bad for Him to call us Beloved. 

1 Peter 2:9- But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 

1 John 3:1- See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 

The definition of Lavish is : expending or bestowing profusely, expended or produced in abundance,
marked by profusion or excess. The origin of the word is Middle English laves, lavage, probably from Middle French lavasse, lavache downpour of rain, from laver to wash. 

That means that not only does God love us (ALL of us, not just "Christians"), but by lavishing us in his love he is giving it in excess, abundance, profusely! We are being washes by a downpour of his love. Drenched. And that love that he lavishes on us in Unfailing (Psalms 13:5). 

While we were sitting listening to the speaker Saturday night, learning all these things in the verses I posted above, something awesome happened. Something that gave me chills as well as a great feeling of just how powerful God is. As we were all sitting there, 29  of us saw it happen, the cardboard signs we had written our labels on started to fall off the window. It wasn't all of them at once, but one at a time they just dropped to the floor. I'm sure skeptics would say that it was moisture on the window, or the sign was too heavy for the tape, but we all knew that it was no coincidence. God was physically showing us that those labels were being stripped away. By the end of the night 10 labels had fallen. 

When we got up Sunday morning, all our labels had been turned over and read "Beloved". (That we do know was done by one of the organizers of the retreat.) That is the truth of what God tells us. We are not all those things that we had written down. The Bible tells us that we are Sons (and daughters) of God, adopted in, children of God, heirs of God and coheirs with Christ! We are reconciled to God, Ambassadors for Christ, Righteousness of God in Him. We are a new image. We are chosen, a Royal priesthood, a people for God's possession. 

Those labels blow my mind. I know that in no way am I worthy of any of those. I am human. I screw up. Sometimes big time! But because Jesus came, took on all the sin of the world and was crucified, God doesn't see any my junk. Instead all he sees is the blood of Jesus covering me. Giving me the opportunity to take on all the labels that he gives us to cover up all the ones we have from the world. All I have to do is believe and accept that gift. Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we have victory over death giving us eternal life in heaven. 

All of that is amazing!! Of course if wouldn't be a women's retreat without fun and games as well. Saturday afternoon/night we had many things to choose from. There was a spa set up with facials, we decorated mugs with Sharpie and baked them, made chapstick, painted nails, did puzzles, made decorative pennants that said "Spring" and of course snacked!

                                                             Mmmmm.....snacks.

                            This is my polish. there were two other baskets with others in them.

                                                   The mug that says Beloved is mine.


This was an amazing weekend. While I missed my own bed and my pup, I learned so much, was refreshed and created stronger bonds with the women of my church. Lots of tears, lots of laughs and lots of memories. Can't wait for next year!