So. This past month has been quite a journey. Not only is the road hard to follow, not knowing where it will end, but it seems to disappear at points and reappear 30ft over under a rock.
Right after Aaron passed I felt this huge weight lifted. Relief. He was no longer in pain. I didn't have to worry about him being sick, falling, being in pain. I didn't have to worry about who was going to stay with him while I went out. I had lived with a fear of something happening to him for almost a year and nothing I could do about it. I had spent 2 1/2 years watching the one I love decline, helpless to do anything about it but try to make him comfortable. To have that worry, fear and stress no longer dictating my day felt great. Of course in the midst of that relief the most important person to me was missing. I no longer had my best friend. The one person who loved me as I was, thought I was sexy in sweats with bed head and always put me first.
November 2nd caught me off guard. Already one month without Aaron. The relief, while still there, is now significantly smothered with grief. So many times I have seen something or thought something and the first one that comes to mind to tell is Aaron. If we could take things with us when we die, I'd start a list so I'd remember everything to tell him. The hardest thing for me is I have yet to have a dream with Aaron is in and I so badly want to see his face and talk with him, feel his arms around me, hear his voice. I pray at night to see Aaron in my dreams, but all I have are pictures.
Aaron and I talked about many things that he wanted for me after he was gone. He made it very clear that he wanted me to be happy and live life. He wanted me to find something within myself and continue on. Remarry. Have kids if I chose to. Knowing what he wanted I have started to do some of those things. As promised, I purchased a kiln to do glass fusing. Aaron always wanted me to have my own kiln and pursue my glass fusing. I have made a couple other purchases and planned a trip. I've had mixed responses from people about me spending money after people donated. I want to be very clear that I did pay medical bills. I have not spent any money that I received as donations after Aaron's passing on these purchases. Although I also feel like I shouldn't have to make account to everyone on how I spend my money. I assume most of you know that I could take back everything I have bought and cancel anything I have planned and give back any money I received to have Aaron back. I greatly appreciate all the donations I have received, both before and after Aaron passed. There are many times that if it hadn't been for the donations we would have been able to pay rent. I know Aaron wanted me to be happy. He loved to give me things and surprise me. I share what I'm doing not to throw it in people's faces that I'm spending money, but because I'm happy and proud of myself for being strong enough to move on and I want to share that with people and have them happy for me.
I'll try to write more often. Things are really up and down for me. I am currently still waiting for a hearing on my disability claim. I have had to add one additional anti-anxiety med since Aaron passed away. I have difficulty sleeping. I have been having complications with my reproductive system. Some of you may remember I had a problem with an ovarian cyst on our way down to California a little over a year ago. I had an ultrasound done a couple weeks ago and had an appointment today to discuss the findings. The ultrasound showed a 4cm polyp in my uterus as well as 4 cysts on my right ovary each 2-3cm in size. So this explains the issues I've been having. I will have to have surgery to remove the polyp and cysts. Depending on how things look after they take the cysts my doctor may remove my right ovary as well. They will to a D and C to rule out cancer, although she does not suspect any due to my age and shape of the polyp. It's not something that needs to be done right away so thankfully it won't interfere with the trips I have planned. I most likely won't have the surgery till January and the recovery time should be short. I've never had a surgery and am fairly apprehensive so prayers would be appreciated.
Thank you all for continuing to read my blog.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings honestly, Kristin. Praying for you often as you grieve in your own way, on your own schedule. No one can dictate that for you. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteYou may think I'm a jerk, but we all have our opinions. You say you spent the money made from your pizza party on bills. And you say you don't have to justify where you spend your money, but is it YOUR money really? As I recall, you don't have a job, so how are you earning this money? Unemployment and friends. So, it really isn't YOURS, is it? As time goes on, you will notice that people don't want to keep supporting your hobbies and fun times. Maybe instead of buying kilns and other luxuries, you should be saving for when your unemployment runs out so you don't have to keep mooching off your friends anymore. You seem to act all high and mighty about justifying your purchases, which I don't understand. What happened to humility and being humble?
ReplyDeleteMy own son has cancer, and we are living paycheck to paycheck to pay bills, and we certainly aren't buying kilns and plane tickets to Hawaii. No one is supporting us, other than family members contributing food and moral support. Because we are unwilling to BEG from strangers. Taking money from strangers and then spending it on frivilous items while there are people that don't even have apartments or homes or even food every day is so damn selfish and unchristian-like. My own wife had to have a hysterectomy six months ago that we are making payments on because we have to spend every cent I make on my son's treatment. My wife is scared and depressed and anxious, watching our six year old suffer but struggle to live, yet she doesn't believe she should be on disability because she can still leave the house. She is still able to go out with friends once in awhile and work a few days a week, dispite her panic attacks and severe depression. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.
Obviously I will get a lot of flack for having an opinion on this subject, but YES, I have been in your shoes, and continue to be in your shoes, and in fact, I believe my shoes are even more painful, because it is my SON that is struggling for life. Watching your baby go thru treatment is the hardest thing a parent could ever do.
Eventually, you will have to stand on your own two feet Kristin. You might be surprised to find that you have more strength inside than you think. And that not taking people's handouts might be the right thing to do. Especially now that you are on your own, and responsible for only your own life. Maybe think of all of the other people out there with lives worse than your own that are suffering right this very minute. Maybe think about volunteering (since you don't work) somewhere. Helping others can actually fill a void in your own life and maybe put things into perspective. I can appreciate the horrible loss you've had in your life. What I cannot appreciate is using people for money and justifying selfishness, as small as it may be.
Any money that is GIVEN to you by your friends and family is GIVEN freely. If people can't GIVE freely, then they shouldn't GIVE. That would be a loan. I've GIVEN money to Kristin, my 15 year old son has GIVEN money to Aaron & Kristin. Once you GIVE something to someone whether it's a dime or a hundred dollars, it's not yours anymore. I am sad that "anonymous" is facing a son with cancer. It is horrible. But, I saw Aaron in his last days and watching him suffer was unbearable for me for the few hours I saw him, so it must have been equally unbearable for Kristin. "Anonymous", I'm sure people will pray for your son and for you, I know I will. But, your anger and judgment is misplaced. Each person does what they can, when they can. You're allowed an opinion, but will your anger and spite towards Kristin really help your son? Your wife? Your financial situation? I would venture to guess that if you asked those that loved you to donate towards your cause, they would. Freely, a GIFT. And if you wanted to buy pizza or a bouquet of flowers for your wife with that GIFT, then that would be up to you. I hope you rethink your position and apologize to Kristin. Until you've literally walked in her shoes, then you can't judge her.
ReplyDelete*This is showing up as Unknown...but my name is Tandi and Kristin, I love you!*
You're right. I do think you're a jerk. I don't even know who you are so making this kind of judgement and comment is cowardly to do it anonymously. You mention unemployment multiple times but if you knew me you would know I haven't been on unemployment for over a year.
ReplyDeleteNext, the money I'm spending IS my money. It's money that Aaron left for me in life insurance to do with as we had discussed. The kiln I purchased is something Aaron wanted to buy me multiple times, but the money went to bills. I promised him I would use a portion to buy it so I COULD stand on my own feel by selling things I made.
You should also be happy to know that I'm not going to be going to Hawaii. Instead I will be staying home to have surgery myself to take care of something that could turn into cancer if left alone.
Since Aaron passed away, I have not once asked for money. I had a friend set up a fundraiser and that money DID go to bills.
As for helping others, I do that. I have given donations to other families who are dealing with this horrible disease, I give to my church, I knit hats to give to the cancer center for patients. You have NO RIGHT judging me the way you did.
Kristin you don't have to justify what you did with YOUR money nor do you have to explain yourself. To anonymous I am so sorry that your son is going through such a horrible thing as cancer. I am a parent and cannot even fathom what you as a parent is going through. But that still doesn't give you a podium to stand on to judge others. Instead of getting angry with you for posting such an insensitive, angry, depressing post I will say prayer for you and your son.
ReplyDelete@ Yes, it's me : You're not going to "get a lot of flack for expressing an opinion on the subject". You're going to get a lot of flack for being an a-hole. To test this theory, let's see how many people will give *me* flack for expressing an opinion.
ReplyDeleteLeave Kristin alone.
Kristin, i love you so much! I'm so blessed that I could be there to help when needed, and hope you will call me friend after all is said and done. You are creative, funny, kind hearted, love animals, and a true and true person. That said..Anonymous needs to know that not ONCE did my dear friends "beg" me for money.. i gave freely, because at times there was nothing else that i could think of to help with at that time. I had people in my life give money to help, because they didn't know them personally and it made them feel so good to help, no matter what it was used for. Kristin, I helped you clean when you finally gave in and let me help, and i saw what you both went with out to make sure bills got paid and you didn't end up on the streets. Kristin, you don't have to justify anything to anyone that doesn't truly know you and Aaron. I believe that when your health is taken care of the pieces will fall into place. You will find the right path. i mean really mr anonymous.. tell me how long it will take you to grieve and move on? it's been a freaking month! And to compare any loved one to another is ridiculous.. if you love someone it hurts to see them sick. period.
ReplyDeleteKristin, i dearly hope you'll get that trip rebooked asap.. You truly deserve it.. and that sunshine may be just the healing you need to help you find that path you're so looking for. :) Hope to see you soon!
Michelle Thielke
Kristin, go to Hawaii. As we all know, life is short. We cannot allow others that live in judgment and hate to dictate our actions. We need what we need. I sure hope the person writing how non Christian your actions are is not one because I believe judgment is a big no no if I am correct. This person is obviously in pain or they are just lying in order to say they are in your shoes. However, one would never know because they are posting without their name. Perhaps because you once received gift donations you should be required to keep a monthly tally of all expenses, because that seems to be what this person suggests. I mean REALLY 'yep it's me'? And hey Yep It's Me, cudos to your wife for doing what she is doing but if you are offering her the same support you are offering Kristin, perhaps she is trying to walk a path for your sake and not her own health and well being. See, Aaron really loved Kristin and he wanted her to be HAPPY which is why they discussed the kiln and the travel. The travel they loved to do together and I was at their house one time when we discussed her awesome talent with the glass and I was there when he said he wanted her to get a kiln. He had dreams of her making beautiful pieces of art to be sold, a dream they shared and is being fulfilled after his death. Shame on you whomever you are. Perhaps you could look into your own life and your own relationships and find where your good deeds are lacking and make amends there instead of trying to crucify Kristin on her blog. ~sincerely, Renee Doe
ReplyDeleteKristin, YOU deserve every ounce of love and support that has been received over the last few years, and your friends & family will continue to provide that regardless of what anyone thinks or says! The most beautiful gift in life is the ability to find joy in all things... You and Aaron taught us that, not in words but by showing us how, in dark & helpless times. Like all of the wonderful people before me, I LOVE YOU! *Hugs*
ReplyDelete@ yep, it's me- Have you been present to see the charity work that this awesome husband and wife duo have done? Were you touched so deeply by something that they said that it helped renew your faith? I am going to guess that you haven't, and boy, did you miss out! It hurts me to read your opinion, and about your family's unfortunate situation. Do you need somebody to extend a hand to you? I would love to help your family. If you are local feel free to contact me and discuss your needs... without you begging or feeling guilty. Reality is, people want to help but they don't know who needs it. Let's build a network & support system for you too...