Playing pin the plan on my life

Well, This has been an interesting week. It started to get difficult Tuesday night when Aaron went into the ER for difficulty breathing. They did EKGs, blood work and an MRI and found nothing out of the ordinary. So at 3am we went back home. I went to work the next day with a decent amount of coffee to make it. That night after I got home from work the breathing issue started to get worse so we went back to the ER. This time they did more blood work, another EKG and a chest x-ray still showing nothing. So again back home around midnight and up and off to work the next morning. Thursday night Aaron and I went to bed around 7:30pm to try and catch up on sleep. He woke up about an hour later crying. This week has been very difficult for him. He's mourning his own life it seems. No one should ever have to do that. I layed in bed as he sat on the edge crying. I felt so helpless. There are no words to say that feel like you can help someone who is facing death, but doesn't want to die. There's also the other side of that in chemo is so rough he's not sure how much longer he can go through it. All I can say is that I support his decision and understand that he needs to do what he has to. Of course I want his to be around longer but I don't want him to be miserable. It's a difficult decision to make.
We've started getting phone calls from Dr's we owe money to. That's always fun. I just want to tell them, "here's a deal, if you find the money I'll pay it to you". I did contact Sacred Heart to apply for their Bridge program which is like a hardship application. So we will fill that out and see where it goes. I also Called Curry General Hospital, in Gold Beach Oregon, which is where we had to stop for me on the way down to Cali. in June. Because we don't live in the area we don't qualify for any sort of financial assistance through them. So the full $900 is our portion. Good times.
On the way home from the ER the second night our check Engine light came on in the new car. Awesome. We're taking it into the dealer tomorrow to have it looked at. Praying it's something simple and cheep(or free).
So here's the icing on the cake for the week. At about 3:30 today (Friday) I got asked to go back to the office where our office manager was. I joked before leaving the front desk that I must be safe to go cause it wasn't the "end of the day yet". Well I was wrong. I got back to the office and she was sitting at the desk with my employee file. She started to explain that we hadn't been bringing in enough money as a clinic and they were going to have to cut a full time position. Due to the amount of absences I'd had, in spite of the fact that it was because my husband has F@&#ing CANCER!!, I was the one they were letting go. They did say if things picked back up and they were needing another full time person again they would want me back. Of course with the fact that I am the only income besides Social Security, I can't exactly wait for that to happen. So tonight we went out on the double date we had been planning with friends. One last night of fun, and of course I nice stiff drink, played some Mario Kart, watched some Greg the Bunny and now off to bed soon.
Tomorrow We will get up, take the car in, see a friend we haven't seen in a long time, Sunday church and Monday go to unemployment, social services to see about food stamps and look for work.
God has a plan in all of this. I DO sill believe this. I just feel like I'm wearing a blindfold and being spun in circles right now. I don't know when I'll stop spinning and hear the word "go" but I"m starting to get nauseous.

1 Peter 4:13
^12-13Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. - The Message

Living in a game of Whack-a-mole

Right now that's what life feels like. You finally get up for air only to be hit in the head by a giant mallet that knocks you right back into your hole. It felt like things were going ok for a week or so. Aaron's chemo is harder on him and he has tougher side effects, but things seemed to be tolerable. There just seems to be one thing after another that smacks us in the head.
Relay for Life was this last weekend at Thurston High school. This is a great event to raise awareness and money for cancer and research. We had a fun team, but missed those who didn't/couldn't come. Aaron had chemo the morning of and went straight to Relay after. He was able to walk the survivor lap, but due to how the meds act in the heat didn't do any other walking. Our team captain Sonja was amazing. She took an 8 hour shift over night when we didn't have anyone to walk and ended up doing 27 miles total. I got in 7 miles myself. We are all paying for it today. My shins feel like I got hit with a 2x4. Maybe it was that stupid whack-a-mole hammer.
We're getting ready for a show that is very important to Aaron and will be something to check off his bucket list. It's a reunion show of Comedy Sportz Eugene. It's not only going to allow him to play one more time with friends but it's a fundraiser for us as well.
Our car has been slowly dying. We've put several hundred dollars that we didn't really have into it to keep it running. Today, on top of Aaron being tired from Chemo and Relay for life this weekend, and me hurting after walking 7 miles at Relay, our car decided to revolt one more time. Yet another whack on the head from that hammer. Today it started over heating, having smoke come out from the hood and dying every time I took my foot off the gas. We just put in a new clutch, new brakes, new spark plugs and some other stuff. This car is starting to cost more than it's worth. We were able to get a small loan for a car through a place that works with high risk loans (since we filed bankruptcy). The catch is we have to come up with $1,000 down payment. We're hoping that the comedy show will bring in enough to pay bills and help us get the car we need. Some people may think that that's not something you should do s fundraiser for. Well, if we don't have a car I can't get to work easily, there's nothing there for us if I have to take Aaron to the hospital and as much as Aaron's parents help drive him to appointments and stuff it is nice to be able to take him myself. We're not getting a brand new car by any means. Trying to find something newer than what we have with as low miles as we can get and an automatic.
Thank you for those of you who are and have supported us, be it in prayer, finances or physical help. We truly do appreciate it. I never though something as simple as washing the dishes or mowing the lawn could become such a daunting task. Most days I am so physically and emotionally tired when I get home from work it's all I can do to come up with an idea for dinner, let alone make it. If anyone wants to know what they can do to help just e-mail me. I don't want to be rude but please only e-mail if you truly do want to help. We have had a lot of people offer or say I'm here if you need me but then never hear from them. Right now spending time with Aaron is my priority. We gotta enjoy what we can when we can between hits from that darn mallet. So please contact me if you want to help. Don't wait for me to contact you cause I don't like to ask for help.
I hope we will see all of you at the show next weekend. August 14 · 6:00pm - 8:00pm Lane Community College Theater 4000 East 30th Ave Eugene, OR. Tickets are $7 in advance at http://www.judasforgiven.com/ or $10 at the door. (Kids 6-12 and Seniors 55 and up can get in for $5 but that price is ONLY AVAILABLE AT THE DOOR.) I really want to see a packed house for Aaron. This show is important to him. If you can't come I understand that life is happening as well. But please tell you friends. Pass on the info.
Thanks for letting me complain again.

Scuba diving but my tanks filled with sludge

I feel like we're drowning in in things that need to be done. As I sit here I'm thinking I should mow the lawn/jungle that is accruing, do laundry, wash the sheets, take the comforter to the laundry mat and de-dog-ify it, find the floor in the living room and vacuum it, get the sap off the car and other things I might find need to be done in the process of doing the other things. I don't know where to start. To top it off creditors are calling again.
It's all so overwhelming. What I want to do it go to sleep and wake up to a perfect life where everything is clean, done and Aaron doesn't have cancer. Things just don't seem important anymore. All I want to do is spend time with Aaron. But even then there's nothing I can do to make him better. I'm a very self reliant person. I want to be able to do things by myself. I love assembling things, figuring out how things work. I'm a fixer. When I was little I used to tell my mom "self do it". I want to self do it now! But there's too much for me to self do it.
I want to be everything for Aaron. I know he feels like I'm the best wife in the world, but I feel like I should be able to do more. I know it's unreasonable and I'm only one person.
Aaron's parents have been a great help and I'm very thankful to the people that have helped in the past. I don't want it to sound like no one has helped. I'm just overwhelmed right now.
There is a great opportunity for you to help if you want to. Aaron's going to be doing a show in a few weeks with some friend. It's going to be a great show. You can get more info about it soon on his website. www.judasforgiven.com.
Thanks for listen to me freak out.

The waiting game

Today a new stretch of waiting has started. Aaron had a follow up MRI today to find out if his treatment is working. It's hard to know what results to root for. If treatment is working then that means we get more time together but he has a longer harder road of more treatment and side effects. If treatment isn't working then he'll stop getting the meds and possibly be more comfortable, but I'll have less time with him. It's not even a case if the lesser evil. Neither one is good. Either way I loose the one I love at some point.
So this week, I"ll go to work and pretend all day that nothing is wrong and life is just great. There's no reason our clients need to know the details of the difficulties we go through. They have their own problems. But after work when I come home I am once again overwhelmed with the reality of what's going on. Don't get me wrong. I couldn't ask for a more amazing husband and companion. He's going through all this crap to be with me. He is more brave than I can imagine and he is my hero.
It's just so incredibly unfair that he has to deal with all this. I know what I have to go through emotionally but I have no idea the difficulty he's having.
So if you see either one of us this week and we seem to be on auto pilot we're just playing the waiting game.

New York, New York how I'll miss you

This has been an amazing few days. We got into NYC Tuesday night about 10pm. Wednesday we saw Phantom of the Opera at 2pm. It was a great show. The actors had amazing voices and they're nothing like seeing it in person. On the way out of the theater we heard a woman say to her family that she didn't enjoy it at all. "The movie was so much better". I literally had to stop dead on the sidewalk and look at Aaron who had done the same to grasp what we had just heard. It's almost like they thought the Broadway musical was based on the movie instead of the other way around. Still confused on that. The other show we saw was Wicked, based on the book about the witches from The Wizard of Oz. That was an amazing show. As much as I like Phantom I enjoyed Wicked more. The story is more light hearted and has some pretty funny moments. It was also aranged though the Granted Wish foundation (like Make a wish for adults) for us to go back stage and meet the cast. We ended up hanging out in the Wizards dressing room and chatting with some of the cast for about 1/2 an hour. The only one we weren't able to meet was the woman who played Elpheba (the wicked witch). I assume she was de-greening for quite a while. THe next day we took a double decker bus tour which allows you to get on and off throughout the day. A bus comes to one of the stops every 15 min. so if you want to get off and shop or see a landmark you can spend as much time as you want. If anything it was worth not having to pay for taxi fare all day. It was pretty hot that day and after a while the bus engines started overheating which in turn meant they couldn't runn the A/C. That was interesting. We did have rain for about 10 minutes accompanied by one lightning strike and a huge thunder clap. That's all we got in the city but out Long Island and in Conetticut they had what looked like a tornado, with lots of trees down and roofs caved in and lost power for a day or so.
As I type this I'm on the train from Albany, NY back to the City to take the plane trip home. It was great to see Aaron's cousin Corey and meet her husband JOhn and all the kids. Troy is beautiful. So many buildings built like castles, amazingn churches and beautiful scenery.In theory I would love to come home, pack up everything and move out here to Troy or somewhere close to it. Aaron's parents will be moving out here after Jan retires and I know Aaron would do it in a heart beat. I really think we could both very easily make the transition. Being with Corey's family was so much fun. I actually cried several times last night because I didn't want to come home. We wished we could have stayed another week, or month, or months. It's hard to leave such a wonderful place and come back to the reality of work, Appointments, stress, Aaron having treatments, sickness and just life in general. As much as I love my family (who apparently would feel abandoned and I assume riddle me with guilt for the rest of my life) I would love to just pick up and start somewhere new. I think it's healthy to do that at least once in your life. I've never lives outside a 8 mile radius from where I was born! Yes I have traveled around the country and seen things but always came back to Springfield. Something inside me is torn about whether to stay or leave. But I know I"ll get many suggestions and advice, wanted or not after people read this. I think it's a good thing that we were on such a tight schedule today of getting from the train to the plane becuase I don't have time to think about how sad I am to leave. I know it's hard on Aaron. NYC is finally the place he feels like he was meant to be, as I"m sure you know from reading his blog. If you haven't do it now.
I guess I don't have anything else to say. I can't explain any further how difficult today is. I waS actually looking at appartments in Troy on the train ride to Albany yesterday. Just day dreaming. I could go on and on but it would just be repeating things and mumbling. God has a plan and unless he tells me to go to NY, I guess I'll stay in OR like is expected. But I may pout for a while.

NYC here we come!

So Monday night we go up to Portland to fly out to NYC on Tuesday morning. Right now I'm so excited my stomach has the fluttery feeling like when you're about to go on your first date, or get your first kiss, or see the love of your life. I've been looking at photos on google of the musical Wicked for about the last hour and I just can't grasp the fact that we're going to see that show let alone sit in Steven Schwarts' house seats!(not allowed to say how we got them, but it involved a lot of searching on google and a long shot e-mail that I sent out.) Our first day in NYC will be Broadway madness as we also decided to take the once in a lifetime opportunity to see Phantom of the Opera. So we'll go see Phantom at 2pm then grab dinner and go see Wicked at 8pm.
I can't believe I'm going to be able to go to New York with Aaron. This is one thing I wanted to make sure happened for him. God has been amazing in providing us everything we need as well as being able to do things we wanted as well. I'm not saying we have an excess of money. We've had to be very strategic in our spending.
Making sure Aaron gets to do as much ans he can ofthe things he's always wanted to do has been my goal since his diagnosis and I"ve really taken on the motto that you just have to ask. We've both gone out on a limb for a few things trying to get tickets or opportunities to happen. I used to think that it wasn't worth it and everyone was either going to say no or not respond at all. One thing I've learned(of the MANY things) is you should ask. Don't be afraid to ask for anything. The worst thing that can happen is you get told no. But if you dont' ask you'll never know if something could have happened.
This also carries over to my relationship with God.

Philippians 4:6 (New International Version)⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Go to God and ask him for the desires of your heart. Be prepared for a no if it's not in his plan, but if it is in his plan be prepared for the ride of your life. Also if it's not in his plan, think about how important you felt that request was and how happy it was going to make you. If he said no to that, he's got something even better and more amazing in the plan for you. Make that the new desire of your heart. Aaron has been something amazing in my life. I've asked and still do ask for him to be healed. I know God can do it if it's in his plan. If it's not, then what kind of amazing things does he have in the works for everyone that surrounds Aaron. The thought blows my mind.

Thanks for reading this again. Guess I didn't bore you enough with the first blog. I hope you all get to do something in your life that you've always wanted to do and have your mind blown by that experience, God or both.

Just the beginning

So I finally broke down and started a blog. Let's hope I'm more consistent with this than any diary I've ever started.
I'm having a hard night and I think writing may help. This weekend was incredibly busy. Friday night was Aaron's benefit show. We got to ride in a donated limo and it was a great performance by all. I hadn't laughed that hard in a long time. I actually had a sore throat and ached a bit the next day from laughing to hard. The turn out was not what we had hoped for and after paying for shirts to be made for the show we didn't come out as far ahead as we would have liked for it being a fundraiser. But it was a fun night and that's all Aaron really wanted. Saturday I worked in the morning, then slept to catch up on what I missed the night before, then went out for our friends birthday. Karaoke was fun as usual and it's always fun to hang out with Tim and Caitlin. Sunday morning we had church outside followed by a picnic. Then more relaxing. So why am I so emotional today?! I've been unmotivated, grouchy and tired all day. I've been dealing with horrible cramps thanks to my newly found ovarian cyst but I think this is more than PMS.
We leave to NYC a week from tomorrow. I love planning trips. Finding things to do, a place to stay, getting tickets to things. A radio station that interviewed Aaron a while ago about selling add space on his urn is paying for the flight. After hours searching for e-mail addresses for anyone who may be involved with or have connections to the show Wicked, I got amazing tickets for a ridiculously low price. All that's left is the hotel. I want Aaron to be able to do everything he wants to do and not feel like he missed anything. He says He only wants to spend time with me there but I want him to do things he's always wanted to. So therefore all the planning I enjoy has quickly become a stress that we won't have the funds to do things. Unless we stay in a hostel it's almost impossible to find a hotel that's not miles away from where we need to be for less that $180 a night. I just have this fear that so many things are lining up and there's going to be one thing that happens that will prevent the trip from happening because we couldn't afford it.
I also wish that I could spend more time with Aaron. I have to work full time to keep benefits. It's not an option but some days it's so hard to leave him at home. I feel like I have such a limited time left and half of it is spent with me at work. Don't get me wrong, I love my work and they have been amazing to me. Everyone is very understanding of our situation and they let me have the time I need. It's my own guilt in the back of my head knowing that I'm leaving people short handed that gets to me.
So in seven days we leave for the trip of a lifetime. I get to fly for the second time in my life and it's to NYC! Sometimes I think it would be nice to pack up and leave everything and move there. But then I realize that the cancer would follow us there and we can't afford to fly the amazing people from Willamette Valley Cancer Institute there with us. So that's out.
So I'll just try to choose joy in the situations I can't control and trust that God will provide us with what we need when we need it.
Thanks for reading. Hope I didn't bore you too much.