Palm Sunday

Mark 11 (NIV)

Jesus Comes to Jerusalem as King

¹ As they approached Jerusalem and came to Bethphage and Bethany at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two of his disciples, ² saying to them, “Go to the village ahead of you, and just as you enter it, you will find a colt tied there, which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. ³ If anyone asks you, ‘Why are you doing this?’ say, ‘The Lord needs it and will send it back here shortly.’”

⁴ They went and found a colt outside in the street, tied at a doorway. As they untied it, ⁵ some people standing there asked, “What are you doing, untying that colt?” ⁶ They answered as Jesus had told them to, and the people let them go. ⁷ When they brought the colt to Jesus and threw their cloaks over it, he sat on it. ⁸ Many people spread their cloaks on the road, while others spread branches they had cut in the fields. ⁹ Those who went ahead and those who followed shouted,

“Hosanna!^[a]”

“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”^[b]

¹⁰ “Blessed is the coming kingdom of our father David!”

“Hosanna in the highest heaven!”

¹¹ Jesus entered Jerusalem and went into the temple courts. He looked around at everything, but since it was already late, he went out to Bethany with the Twelve.

This Morning church was amazing. Listening to our pastor talk to the kids about the Triumphal entry and hearing the children yell "Hosanna! Hosanna!" as loud as they could gave me such joy. I can only imagine what it would have been like to be there for the real thing. When I was a kid The church I grew up in did a big passion play every year. I remember singing and waving huge palm fronds as the man playing Jesus rode down the isle on a donkey. I used to run up the isle with all the other kids yelling, "Jesus, Jesus!", to have the man playing Jesus say “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (Matt. 19:14). I remember how much joy I had being there in that moment sitting at his feet knowing that we were chosen and loved.

Today I was reminded that I am still chosen and loved. I can still run to him yelling, "Jesus, Jesus!" and when people try to hold me back or discourage me he will still answer them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Several years ago I wrote a poem that with the help of a friend was turned into a song:

To be a child when you walked the earth, what would my eyes have seen?

The comfort of your simple touch, your words making dead people live

Looking into your face not knowing all you'd do for me

To walk beside you and sit at your feet as you spoke your fathers words.

Then to see your body hanging there. Giving your final breath to save the world.

You saw me stand in front of you. Knowing all that I would to, to break your heart and bring you joy.

Then looking past all my sin and all I would do to mock your name, you knew that I would come to bless the Lord.

The people laughed and they called you names. You were bruised and beaten down.

But looking at you I saw your loving eyes beneath that crown.

You were not angry, you did not fight back, or show your infinite power.

You just kept walking down that road toward your darkest hour.

But in your pain I did not see. You were buying my life and liberty.

You saw me stand in front of you, knowing all that I would to, to break your heart and bring you joy.

Then looking past all my sin you knew that I would come to bless you lord.

Thank you God for sending your Son to save us.

I hope you all take this week to think about everything Jesus went through this week and the upcoming triumph over death for our sins.

Dear Uncle Sam, Stop the insanity...or at least help me pay for it.

It's been a while since I have written. Unfortunately the task of writing and searching my brain to remember what I wanted to write at one point has also become something that causes anxiety. Then there is the thought that nothing I write matters anyway so why bother.
The last few weeks have been very difficult for me. I have had to take Xanex on an average of 5 days a week, some days more than once. Things have been so overwhelming to me that I have gone over different ways "to end things", though I could never go through with it. I do have an appointment, after payday, to go to the Dr. and talk about adding a medication along the lines of Welbutrin since my current daily medication, clearly, doesn't seem to be strong enough to deal with the anxiety and depression level I am currently at.
I was able to get approved for a patient assistance program through Pfizor to get my Effexor for free. I am also seeking help through the Community Counseling center which charges based on income. Hopefully I will be able to start counseling there soon.

As mentioned in my last post I applied for disability and as expected for the first application I was denied. Yesterday we met with an attorney to appeal the decision. At some point in the meeting he said I would probably be denied again. This kind of threw me into a tailspin. The thought of being denied again means that it could be a year or more for a hearing. If that happens then it means that it's a year or more before we have a second income and if Aaron passes away before then it leaves me with no income. I cried for most of the appointment, and that was WITH a Xanex. I was absolutely drained by the time I got home and just went to bed. Sometimes going to bed is the easiest way to cope. I can just go to sleep and pretend nothing is happening.

Today I slept till noon. Then this afternoon we will go re apply for food stamps. Here's hoping for more than $16 a month. I called the counseling center again and hopefully I will hear from someone tomorrow to get this ball on a roll.

So that's as much as I can manage to get out today.

Facing anxiety while finding the elusive joy

I don't know where to start. I've had a rough couple weeks, with good times mixed in of course.
Almost all of you knew that I was laid off from my job in August and know that I finally found another job right before Thanksgiving. I had to quit that job after 4 1/2 days of work due to my anxiety.

Most of you don't know that anxiety and depression is something I deal with on a daily basis. Aaron and I work very hard to choose joy, and while we promote that to everyone it's easier said than done some days. I have dealt with anxiety for several years. For my last year of work at the dental office I would have a panic attack before work at least three times a month. Some days this actually prevented me from being able to go to work. Part of the reason I left that job for the vets office was because I thought maybe it was the environment that was too stressful for me. I did better for several months once I got the new job, then it started again. By this time Aaron had been diagnosed with cancer. There were days when I called in because Aaron was sick or we had been at the ER all night, but there were many days when I had to call in because I was depressed or having a panic attack and just couldn't make myself go to work that day. My absences started to come up in my reviews but due to Aaron's illness they were very understanding. It finally came to the point where due to the economy they had to let someone go from the office and it came down to the fact that even though I wasn't the newest employee, I had the most absences and it wasn't getting better. So I got laid off.

When I started looking for work the thought of going back to a job was such a daunting idea. When I got the call that I was offered a job after two interviews I actually freaked out and cried for 1/2 an hour before I had to put on my brave face and to into work that afternoon. I did not want that job. The only reason I was applying for jobs in the first place was because unemployment required it. If there had been a logical reason for me to NOT take the job I would have turned it down. I felt trapped. I knew I couldn't do the job but if I turned it down I would loose my unemployment and we couldn't pay bills without it. So I went to work. And I came home and cried. Luckily it was Thanksgiving weekend and I only had to work one day before I had a long weekend. So Monday I got up and pushed down my anxiety and went to work, then came home and cried again cause I didn't want to go back. The next day was the same. Wednesday morning was even more difficult. I went in and decided I needed to talk to my supervisor. I had taken some time off the day before for a doctors appointment where we got some upsetting news so she said it would be ok if I needed to go home for the day. A few hours later I called and quit. I just could not go back.

The next day I went to my doctor and my anti-depressant medication dose was upped as well as adding Xanex for those times where my anxiety was more than I could handle.

There are days now where the idea of doing anything is more than I can handle. There are so many things that need to be done that finding a starting point seems beyond me. A few people have been a great help. Aaron's parents have been a great help with regular house chores as well as one of our friends helping me clean. There are so many packages of paperwork that have to be done to file for the assistance we are trying to get, be it my SSD, Bridge assistance, OHP, food stamps, Volunteers in Medicine, Rx Assistance, etc. Unfortunately these are all things that not really anyone else can help us do. It feels overwhelming. This week I have had to take a Xanex almost every day and today is the first day I haven't taken at least a 2 hour nap to escape.

I have filed for Disability. I'm hoping to be approved but most people aren't on their first try and have to appeal.

So right now we are living off Aaron's social security, which doesn't pay all the bills. So that's another thing for me to be anxious about. Because I am unable to suck it up and work, we aren't able to do things. There have been days where I have thought it would be easier if I just took a handful of Aaron's meds and be done with it. I won't. Please don't email me and tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't. I think suicide is a very selfish way out and I would never do that to my family. That and I"m a big chicken.

OK, downer stuff out of the way, Aaron has had some great exposure over the bracelets. IT all started when a friend posted a picture of their Christmas house elf wearing Aaron's "Cancer sucks...Life is good...Choose joy" bracelet. My mom then put the idea out there that other people should send pictures. So Aaron started asking for pics of his bracelets with inanimate objects. I think at this point he has 40 something pics.

After people started sending in pics gawker.com posted an update with the info about the pictures. From them a Canadian primetime TV show saw the story and wanted to do an interview. So we drove to Portland for Aaron to do a satellite interview with them to air live in Canada. While we were in the portland studio they decided to interview him and run an update story since they had done one when he was selling add space on the urns. We received over 140 orders for bracelets between the website and the interviews that aired. Needless to say I'm still stuffing envelopes to mail.

It makes me happy that with all the crap that goes on in the world, people really seem to accept and take on the Choose Joy mantra for their lives. I know it means alot to Aaron to have his bracelets out there.

I had a great surprise on Christmas eve night. We had been decorating cookies that day with his parents and I made up a plate to take to the neighbors that moved into the other side of our duplex about 2 weeks ago. I took them to the door and rang the bell. One of the girls answered and the other came to the door shortly after. She was holding a glass and I thought I saw something purple on her wrist. I asked to see her bracelet and it was one of Aaron's choose joy bracelet. It caught me off guard and I asked where she got it. She said one of the nurses gave it to her at her chemo appointment. That was so awesome to me. It was such a small world.

I've decided that I want to keep the bracelet thing going after Aaron's gone. I asked Aaron to register choosejoy.com for me but it was already taken by a motivational speaker group so we now have choosejoy.org. There's nothing there yet but we own the name. I hope to have Aaron's story on there as well as a place to purchase the bracelets and maybe shirts or other choose joy things. I want Aaron's legacy to go on and to know that all the things we did and talk about choosing joy that he promoted was not in vein. There's nothing I can do about the situation he's facing right now, but I can carry on the good things later.

I"m pretty sure if you are reading this you already read Aaron's blog, but you can buy bracelets at www.judasforgiven.com.

My new challenge ( in all of my free time) is trying to find a way to make it possible for Aaron to visit out friend David in California one more time. Right now we expect that he may have a short window of opportunity to travel in the beginning of January before he starts to get too weak or there is some miraculous funding to restart chemo. We have found train tickets for about $500 round trip for both of us. Which isn't too bad, but it's more than we have. So, if you have any extra and can help me make this happen it would be awesome. There's a Paypal donation button to the right at the top of the page. If 25 people donated $20 it would make this trip happen for us.

Thank you to those of you who read my blog. I don't know that there are many, maybe not even the 25, but it's nice to know that people care. I promise I"ll try to write another one sooner than a month out this time.

Broken and broke

Today I lost it. I think it really started yesterday. As many of you know I started a job that was much needed on Wednesday of last week. I knew it was going to be difficult to do when I cried for a few hour,s after getting the call with the job offer, trying to figure out what I could do to possibly not have to take the job. But I knew I needed to buck up and go to work.

I was able to do that Wednesday afternoon and after the weekend did it again Monday morning. Tuesday morning I found that I was dealing with some anxiety but I just figured it was cause Aaron had an appointment to find out the results of his last MRI. I worked the morning then went to the appointment with him where we were told the cancer wasn't responding to the current treatment anymore and there was a new growth on the liver. So they are taking him off the current treatment and going to a combination of two drugs he's been on previously but trying them in different methods of delivery to see if it will respond to that.

I went back to work after that but found it very difficult to keep composed. At least I was able to fake it for the last 3 hours I had to work. At this point, my third day at work, I still hadn't been told for sure if the job was full or part time, what my exact pay per hour was or when pay days were. AND I had two supervisors watching over me and giving me "projects", like helping them rewrite the training manual while training from it, as well as another person who was training me. On my second day I was checking out patients, scheduling appointments and taking payments and being expected to calculate insurance and patient portions for services since everything has to be prepaid. In what universe is that logical expectations for a new employee.

Yesterday when I came home from work I cried for 1/2 an hour knowing I would have to go back. All this time knowing that time with Aaron is once again shorter.

This morning I got up and got ready for work. I could feel the anxiety building up as I showered and got dressed. It was all I could do to just make myself go out the door. I cried on and off on the way to work. Got in, sat down at my desk and lost it. I tried as hard as I could to compose myself but nothing was working. Then I got a page at my desk that a patient on the phone needed to schedule treatment. I instantly panicked. My supervisor took the call when she came back and saw me crying. My "trainer" was on the other line with a patient. I had no idea what to do. When she got off the phone I asked her if she had time to talk before it got busy but she said not till 9 to I'd have to wait almost 45 minutes. In the mean time I found easy, busy work that involved lots of papers but not a lot of knowledge so assistants and hygienists bringing up patients would think I was busy.

She finally came down and got me to go upstairs and talk. I broke down and told her that I felt like too much was being expected of me too soon and I was overwhelmed. I also told her what we had found out at the Dr. appointment the day before. She seemed very understanding. She also finally confirmed that the position was full time. But still didn't clarify what I was making per hour. She asked if I was going to be able to finish the day or if I needed to go. I said I was going to stay but needed to calm down a bit. After sitting in her office for a few minutes I still couldn't compose myself so I decided I needed to leave.

I cried most of the way home and for quite a while after I got home. That job was what we needed for Aaron to have insurance after December and I couldn't do it. Of course I'm the only one in the family putting any pressure on myself about the insurance.

So I made the decision that with everything else going on and all the stress we have already, I am just not mentally or emotionally able to work. So I called my supervisor and told her I would not be returning to work.

December 16th I have an appointment with social security I have an appointment to discuss disability due to mental situation and anxiety.

I have no idea what we will do for income. Aaron still gets his disability but that won't cover things. I feel like I really shot us in the foot on top of an already difficult situation, but I also feel like this was my only option. I can't live a life of panic attacks and trying to bury tears and emotions.

Please pray for us and our new even more questionable financial situation. I know it's Christmas and every one is tight right now but if you have anything extra we would appreciate it. There is a donation button on the right. Thanks for caring enough to read this.

Daylight come and I wanna be home

Today I'm torn. I had a working interview yesterday. I think it went well and it's a job I could do pretty easily. I was told I would hear from them today or the next day. Today as I was waiting for the phone call, which I didn't get, I realized that I this opportunity is bitter sweet.

I really felt like I was laid off to have the opportunity to spend the ever shortening time with Aaron. We have now found ourselves in a position that in order to financially survive I have to get a job. The time I have let with Aaron seems so short to me. I am terrified to go to work and miss that precious time. Yes, I will still have evenings and weekends, but those 40 hours a week that I will now miss break my heart. I want to be the one who goes to doctor appointments with him. To sit next to him when test results come back. I want to be available to go do something when he has energy to get out of the house.

I don't understand God's plan in all this. I feel like I was laid off to be able to spend time with Aaron, only to have that ripped away in the last few months we have together. I have to admit, while I know I need a job and I could do this job and it would provide me with a paycheck, insurance and possibly Aaron with insurance in a few months, there's a part of me that doesn't want it. I would give all that up to have the time with Aaron. But, if I don't have a paycheck we will continue to add up bills we can't pay.

Maybe all of you who read this should pray that our Thanksgiving Lotto ticket is the winner. lol

We thought last Christmas would be Aaron's last, but now with the insurance ending in January and Aaron being on the last chance treatment, this will be the actual last Christmas. So things that used to be as simple as decorating the tree or having Aaron put on the tree topper seem so much more important. This is the last Thanksgiving day parade we'll watch, the last birthday I'll have with him, the last Springfield Christmas parade, the last New Years, our last anniversary, Aaron's last birthday, etc...

It's not fair that I have to leave my home and husband and miss things to have a job. Of course in this economy if I'm offered a job I'm going to take it. I would be absolutely crazy not to. But at the same time I'm going to have to try even harder to fake it. I'm going to have to put on the "happy mask" seems to be more and more difficult to find.

So tomorrow I will wait again for a phone call. I'm praying for God's will and I know he has a plan, but at the same time a part of me doesn't want it. And can you blame me?

Yelling Marco, but no Polo to be found

Life is starting to get more difficult. Every day it gets more difficult to choose joy. Today was very difficult. I woke up and was very angry with the world and people. There are so many times when I feel alone in dealing with everything. I think because we talk so much about choosing joy people tend to think that we are stronger and dealing with things a lot easier than we actually are. Granted no one can actually know how I am feeling or the daily struggles I have unless they have lost a spouse to disease. Even then everyone's situation is different.Our family has been a good support and we do fave those few friends who are pretty consistent, but it's surprising and depressing how many people who you considered friends just seem to vanish. Maybe they're not sure how to talk to us. Maybe cancer is intimidating and they're afraid they will say something wrong. We are very open when it comes to talking about our situation.

One of my greatest fears in everything that's going on is that Aaron will die lonely. It kills me to see him wish one of his old friends would call, email, text, make some form of effort to see how he's doing. Like I said there are one or two people that we do see, but I know Aaron had more than two friends before his diagnosis. It makes me absolutely furious that Aaron has disappointed over and over again by "friends". So, if you were friends with him and know that you haven't talked to him in the last week or two, then get over yourself and pick up the phone. I know it might be difficult or awkward but it's not about you. I also know that time is limited and you may regret not spending time with an amazing man/friend when you no longer have the opportunity.

Tomorrow is going to be a difficult day. We are going to be going to Social Security hoping one more time to get more information to get to the COBRA administrator in hopes of finding some way to get insurance to go past January. Depending on how that goes, we have to figure out how we will make the monthly payments of $410. We will also be making our first visit Hospice to get information. One of the main concerns, again, is cost. We will hopefully find out if there are grants or options for us where services would be free, because most likely services would be needed after insurance had ended. If we can't get insurance to be extended beyond January then we face the issue of changing some of Aaron's medications because not all of them come in a generic or the generic is not available on the discount list at the pharmacy. Without insurance there is a possibility that meds alone could cost close to $400. Then there's the worry of what happens if there is an emergency and Aaron has to go to the hospital?

So on a daily basis we get up and not only do we have to take on the fact that Aaron is dieing, but we wonder what the physical pain level will be that day, we constantly think about insurance being cancelled, cost of treatment, doctor visits, cost of medication, whatever appointments there is that day, wonder will anybody besides parents call (or do they even care?) plus whatever else may be going on in each of our lives that day. Not only should no one our age have to worry about all this, it's too much for one person to worry about.

So, next time Aaron or I pop into your head, rather than thinking, "I wonder how they are doing?" pick up the phone and find out. The financial support we have received from some of you has been a life saver, but we also need emotional support, encouragement and to know that someone does care and a reminder that there are still friends out there.

People have said many times, " we're hear for you, just let us know what we can do" or "let us know if you need anything". Well there you go. I can't lay it out any more clear that that.

Diet, debt, disapointment and death

This is my second week on weight watchers. I hadn't wanted to start a "diet" with all the other stress that has been going on. I am a stress eater. Nothing gives the illusion of halting a problem for me better than hostess products or fried food. I'm not proud to admit that. It's pretty embarrassing. I finally got to the point one night when I felt like I couldn't breath well and all I was doing was sitting on the couch. It was time to start something. I've done slim fast many times and Herba-life, tried one or two pills, natural acai diet pills, nothing works long term. I have felt so overwhelmed by things as simple as a sink full of dishes, or laundry in the corner of our room that the thought of working out just made me shut down completely. It's just so easy to say screw it all when you're depressed and go to bed or sit on the couch all day.

Last week was hard to start. I was given 34 points a day with a weekly bonus of 35 points to use whenever. On Monday I used all of my daily points and almost half of my weekly points. The rest of the week was a bit easier. I have found that I really enjoy using my wii fit. I've also had to overcome the fear of working out in front of people. I know Aaron loves me and my body just the way I am, but I have never been comfortable working out in the house in front of him. Just self insecurities. But working out with a video game has made things fun and I'm able to laugh at myself if I screw up.

The last two days I have found myself wanting to work out out of boredom. This morning the sun was out and there was a cool breeze so I put Belle's leash on her and we went for a walk. She's quite the pansy when things are new and the falling leaves freaked her out a bit so after once around the block I dropped her off and went another round. In total I did 1.4 miles. Which is good for me. I've always wanted to be the kind of person that could go for a run. There are times when I've been upset or angry and I just think, "I wish I could go for a run". I know it's going to be a long time till I"m at the point that I can go out and run. I have to work up to that. I'm pretty sure if I did that now I'd feel like I was going to die or my lungs were going to explode after about a block. I'll get there.

This last week we finally did the thing no one likes to do. We wrote down all our monthly expenses and added them up. Then added up my unemployment and Aaron's disability and realized that on a monthly basis we were $210 short. That does not consider the cost of food and gas. We discussed our options and came to the conclusion that in order to cover everything we needed to there was a possibility that we would have to drop his COBRA insurance which is $410 a month. Knowing his insurance was going to end in December we had just been working on getting paperwork and documentation about his disability into the COBRA administrator in order to get the 11 month extension that they have to give by law. We started to pray for a clear answer of what we should do. The options were, I get a full time job (which I've been looking for for 8 weeks now), Aaron get a part time job (which I was not a fan of), or we drop his insurance (also not a fan of and being the last option as he would also have to stop treatment).

Today we got notification from the COBRA administrator that somewhere in the fine print of all the paperwork we got when Aaron started COBRA, it stated that if he went on disability they had to be notified within 60 days of that decision. This was the first we had heard of this. Therefor Aaron does not qualify for the 11 month extension, meaning his insurance will end at the end of December. So as we stand now, he will have to stop treatment in December as well. This breaks my heart. Although we got the clear answer we were praying for.

We will continue to look at any possible options. We have been denied Oregon health Plan insurance twice because, believe it or not, with my unemployment and his disability we make too much. We will be trying this option once more time maybe with help from the cancer center to get coverage. Willamette Valley Cancer Institute is also trying to find grants or foundations to help pay for things, meds, Dr visits, treatment, etc. Many people have brought up medicare/medicaid. There is a manditory waiting period of two years from your first disability check before you qualify unless you have kidney failure. So, Aaron doesn't qualify for that for another year. Just paying for treatment or doing a payment plan with the Dr.'s office is not an option as treatment every other week is around $16,000.

So, the decision that was made for us has caused many feelings. Relief that we don't have to make the decision to stop insurance due to money, but deep sadness at the realization that things are indeed getting closer to the end. I don't know how long Aaron will have after he stops treatment. While the meds weren't getting rid of any cancer, they were holding back the growth. Aaron will have an MRI next Wednesday to find out where things are at and if anything has grown or gone away. I guess that will give us a closer estimate of time.

One thing I know is true, is God has a plan. I may not know what it is, but I trust it and have faith that it is for our good and not to harm us. One thing I hope, is that with the money we would have been spending on insurance, we can take one last trip or just do some things local that we haven't been able to do. I want whatever time we have left to be enjoyable and make memories. Not scrounging to figure out how to make rent, or going through movies to see what we can sell to get gas money.

Thank you to all of you who have helped us financially as well as with prayers. We really do appreciate it. Although we may feel some faint relief in a while, I'm afraid things are going to continue to get harder.