Yelling Marco, but no Polo to be found

Life is starting to get more difficult. Every day it gets more difficult to choose joy. Today was very difficult. I woke up and was very angry with the world and people. There are so many times when I feel alone in dealing with everything. I think because we talk so much about choosing joy people tend to think that we are stronger and dealing with things a lot easier than we actually are. Granted no one can actually know how I am feeling or the daily struggles I have unless they have lost a spouse to disease. Even then everyone's situation is different.Our family has been a good support and we do fave those few friends who are pretty consistent, but it's surprising and depressing how many people who you considered friends just seem to vanish. Maybe they're not sure how to talk to us. Maybe cancer is intimidating and they're afraid they will say something wrong. We are very open when it comes to talking about our situation.

One of my greatest fears in everything that's going on is that Aaron will die lonely. It kills me to see him wish one of his old friends would call, email, text, make some form of effort to see how he's doing. Like I said there are one or two people that we do see, but I know Aaron had more than two friends before his diagnosis. It makes me absolutely furious that Aaron has disappointed over and over again by "friends". So, if you were friends with him and know that you haven't talked to him in the last week or two, then get over yourself and pick up the phone. I know it might be difficult or awkward but it's not about you. I also know that time is limited and you may regret not spending time with an amazing man/friend when you no longer have the opportunity.

Tomorrow is going to be a difficult day. We are going to be going to Social Security hoping one more time to get more information to get to the COBRA administrator in hopes of finding some way to get insurance to go past January. Depending on how that goes, we have to figure out how we will make the monthly payments of $410. We will also be making our first visit Hospice to get information. One of the main concerns, again, is cost. We will hopefully find out if there are grants or options for us where services would be free, because most likely services would be needed after insurance had ended. If we can't get insurance to be extended beyond January then we face the issue of changing some of Aaron's medications because not all of them come in a generic or the generic is not available on the discount list at the pharmacy. Without insurance there is a possibility that meds alone could cost close to $400. Then there's the worry of what happens if there is an emergency and Aaron has to go to the hospital?

So on a daily basis we get up and not only do we have to take on the fact that Aaron is dieing, but we wonder what the physical pain level will be that day, we constantly think about insurance being cancelled, cost of treatment, doctor visits, cost of medication, whatever appointments there is that day, wonder will anybody besides parents call (or do they even care?) plus whatever else may be going on in each of our lives that day. Not only should no one our age have to worry about all this, it's too much for one person to worry about.

So, next time Aaron or I pop into your head, rather than thinking, "I wonder how they are doing?" pick up the phone and find out. The financial support we have received from some of you has been a life saver, but we also need emotional support, encouragement and to know that someone does care and a reminder that there are still friends out there.

People have said many times, " we're hear for you, just let us know what we can do" or "let us know if you need anything". Well there you go. I can't lay it out any more clear that that.