Sadness

I feel like I should blog but I'm not sure exactly what to write. I'm sad today. No specific reason that I can pin point. Just am. Today was the first time in two weeks that I had time at home without Aaron. He was out for a few hours to get some things done for the show tomorrow night. (Cosmic Pizza, 7:30 Aaron's opening for The Lost Dogs. $10 per person or $30 for a family) I got some dishes done, cleaned up most of the living room and vacuumed. Then for some reason sadness hit me. I love having time with Aaron. In a way it was great timing for me to get laid off. On the other hand it's very overwhelming to be a caregiver 24 hours a day. I wouldn't have it any other way. I want to be the one making sure Aaron's taken care of like he should be, but it is hard to not have any ME time. I know that all I would have to do is say the word and I could go do what ever I wanted, get out of the house, go for a walk, go do glass work... But I guess I feel like I need to be here. I've put myself in this position. Aaron never makes me feel like I have to take care of him.
The other night when Aaron was rehearsing he was using a guitar that was given to him. He sold what I consider still to be HIS guitar a while back to pay bills. It was one that he actually picked out and purchased, not one that happen to be available when he needed one or one that someone gave to him as a loaner. This was one that he looked for and chose himself. Even though we sold it we've been storing it unused for the person who bought it. Well, that night I realized that I wanted that guitar when he is gone. It's the guitar that I see as HIS and realized just how much it meant to me. After realizing this I contacted the person who bought it and explained the situation. They graciously said I could have it. I didn't even need to pay them back for it. I was/am so grateful. SO now not only does Aaron get to fill a bucket wish item of opening for The Lost Dogs, he gets to play HIS guitar.
Tomorrow morning we get the results from his MRI last week. This is bitter sweet. I'm kinda scared. What ever the results I know we'll make a decision together and will go through it together.
I put a resume in at the Cancer center that Aaron goes to this week. I felt like I needed to do that. But I'm torn on working. I don't want to regret not having time with Aaron because I had to go to work. But we also need to pay bills. I will be getting unemployment. This month will be tight. I filed too late(Monday morning) my first week off work for that to qualify as my waiting week. So this week is actually my waiting week, which means that I won't get a check till next week. So if you want to help out at all and get some Christmas shopping done, check out my website. www.joyofglass.us. There's fused glass pendants and necklaces on there right now and I will be putting some Oregon Duck colored pendants and earrings soon. Check 'em out!