Everything's better with Xanex....almost

Well, it's been a while since I wrote one of these things, but I thought I should catch people up. Last week and this week have been quite a challenge in the anxiety/depression realm. I had a family that I was very close to make a short notice move to Florida to take care of family there. It was really hard for me to say goodbye. No only was I loosing friends, in the sense of being able to see each other, but I felt like it was just one more connection with Aaron that was leaving. I got to know them through Aaron. We spent many evenings at their house watching wrestling, Duck football, movies, enjoying banter and talking about serious stuff. I know Aaron had many talks with Bob about me and my future after he passed away. They really became part of our family. An additional Brother, sister, niece and nephew. So it was hard to help them pack and clean, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see them anytime in the foreseeable future. I did get to keep a bit of the family here by taking in their 11 year old Beagle/Bassett mix Buster, who was too old to make the trek in the moving van. I love having him. Even when he dumps the entire toy box or gets into the garbage.

This weekend is Relay for Life. This is my fourth year participating, but my first without Aaron. Last year was my first year being team captain. I was so excited! Got a lot of things accomplished, had a great tent spot, raised around $2,000 for ACS. I did everything I can to make that Relay the best it could be for Aaron knowing it would be his last. It was also great to have his parents here during that time.  This year is completely different. My husband was dieing from cancer so I felt like I needed to have a team this year. I created the team before Aaron passed. That was the easy part. Since then My anxiety about the event has become more and more of an issue. I haven't been to any of the team captain meetings this year. I planned on it, but come the day of the meeting or even hours before, I turn into a shaking crying mess and just can't do it. I did have to go to the last meeting to pick stuff up that we needed for the event and they weren't hanging out any other time. I thought well, knowing that I HAVE to go will at least get me through the door. But that's all it did. I got in, got my stuff, then made the mistake of looking around at other tables. I ended up getting a button to wear that says Relay For Life and I Miss You and has room for a picture of Aaron. That set off the water works. I sat down but just couldn't handle it and had to leave before the meeting started.

Tomorrow is the actual event. I realized that I can't do what I feel like I should be able to do. That is a hard thing for me to admit. I am very independent. As a small kid I always said, "Self do it!". My counselor has been working with me to see that the expectations I put on myself aren't always healthy or in line with what others expect of me and I need to learn to delegate and know that it's ok. I realized that about Relay about 3 weeks ago and turned my team captain roll over to two other team mates. It was a huge weight off and did take some anxiety away. I'm still finding it really hard to be excited though. This year, Relay seems like more of a reminder that Aaron's gone than a reason to raise money to fight cancer. I know when I walk in there I'm going to be completely overwhelmed with memories of the Relay's he was at, views of caregivers, friends and loved ones who still have someone in the fight or someone who had beat cancer and others who have also lost that person. I have yet to make a Luminaria for Aaron. I just can't seem to make myself do it. It's like, by putting his name on that bag makes it so much more real. It's almost like this entire event this year is a giant flashing fluorescent sign screeming "Aaron's Dead". It's much more hard to "choose joy" without Aaron here. But I will take my Xanex and go tomorrow. We'll see how long I make it. The hardest parts once I get there will be the Survivor lap and the Luminaria ceremony/walk. In case you're not familiar with the Luminaria, they are white bags  that people decorate, write on or put pictures on of people who are fighting, cured or passed away from cancer. At night they line the inside and outside of the track, all the lights are turned off and the candles in the bags are lit to form this glowing ring of memories and support. It is very emotional and quiet and beautiful. I highly recommend everyone experience it at least once in their life.

 On the topic of my disability. I think most, if not all of you know that I applied back in December of 2010 because of my severe anxiety and depression. I was denied, the denied on the appeal and have been waiting a year now for a hearing. I finally got a date for my hearing, but it's not till December 11th!! I'd love if you all would pray that my finances will stretch till I get a decision, and that the judgment will be in my favor. I have contemplated several times going back to work or thinking about what I could do after the hearing if I don't get granted the disability. I really have no idea what I would be able to do. I have looked at jobs online and just thinking about them and what the job entails starts to get anxious, cry, feel a panic in my stomach. I've had people say, just relax, or you'll get over it, but unless you have been in the position of feeling completely helpless, out of control, scared and can't see a way out, you have no idea what it's like. When you deal with depression and anxiety at this level, being realistic or logical isn't something that can be grasped at that moment.

Thank you to those who still read my blog, pray for me and give encouragement. I really do appreciate it.

Get out of the boat

Today sitting in church I realized the message spoke to me and made me think about a joke that I've used for years with one of my friends.

When the show Survivor started I used to watch regularly. My friend and I would discuss all the crazy things they had to deal with and the challenges they had to do while on whatever island they happened to be that season. We talked about how crazy the people had to be to want to be on that show. We decided that given the opportunity to be a part of survivor, we wouldn't even get off the boat. Any time we would come across something we didn't want to do (that was an option) or saw others do something that we thought was crazy, we'd say, " I wouldn't even get off the boat" and we knew what the other meant.

This morning the message was in Matthew and covered Peter getting out of the boat and walking to Jesus on the water. The challenge to us was to "get out of the boat!"

I'd like to think that given the opportunity to walk on water to Jesus that I would have the faith that He would keep me safe. Thinking and doing are very different. While I think I would have the faith, I actually predict that say something more like, " are you sure?" or "yeah right" or "I can't do that". My heart says, "heck yes I'd walk on water!!" My head says,"wouldn't even get out of the boat".

Now if He asked me to walk across a tight rope with a harness on hooked to a safety line and a net underneath, sure! But have the confidence that I'll be safe on the water??? That's different. I don't even go in the ocean beyond my knees. Sea weed could reach up and grab my legs, something could bite or sting me. Knee high is safe. I can still see far enough down into the water to know that nothing is near my feet or legs. I seem to live that way too. I'm comfortable doing things to a level that I know I can see what's around me. Anything beyond what I've done before or that goes into a place I can't see or predict is very daunting. "Wouldn't even get out of the boat" used to be just a joke about Survivor, but looking at it now, has actually become a way I live life.

Now that I've established that I need to get out of the boat, I just have to figure out the method. Do I put one leg over the side and test the water with my toe, or do I do a cannon ball and know that Jesus will bring me back to the surface and get me on my feet. I guess it depends. Can I do the cannon ball with a scuba suite on? That way in case it takes a while to get to the surface I at least have air and assistance in swimming with fins. I guess if I'm doing that I might as well stay in the boat. That's about the same level of faith.

I'm so glad God is patient and works with and on us. I'm starting to pray that God will help me get out of the boat and use me for great things. Maybe he'll allow me to use floaties for the first few steps. lol

Significant dates and amazing timing

So it's 4am Sunday morning. I've been awake for about an hour now. Don't picture myself going back to sleep before it's time to get ready for church so I thought I'd give this blog thing some thought since it's been a couple months.

I guess I just don't feel like my life is interesting enough to write as often. Yesterday was the 5 month mark of Aaron passing. February was a very difficult month for me. A lot of things happened for Aaron and I in February and having to go through those without him for the first time was more than I could have imagined. Valentine's day wasn't too bad. I was single long enough before Aaron that I kind of just went back into the mode of "it's just another day". Three days later, Friday the 17th, was what would have been our 5 year wedding anniversary. The day before was really hard. I spent the day mostly in bed sleeping trying to avoid it. I got in a real funk. Luckily I had predicted this would happen ON our anniversary so I had planned to spend the day with my best friend Rachel to distract me.

The morning of our anniversary I got up around 8 like I always do. When I walked out into the living room I saw that the sun was shining through the window in the front door and hitting only one spot in the room. It was shining directly on Aaron's urn and no where else. I didn't think it was coincidence then and I still don't. Aaron was saying hi to me that morning and reminding me that he still loves me and I'm not alone. I got ready and went to Rachel's. We didn't do anything exciting. It was just the fact that I was with someone who loves me and not sitting at home by myself getting deeper into the funk that was already started. We went to the mall and had Cinnabon for lunch. Why? Because we could. Nothing stuffs down sadness better than cinnamonny, buttery frosting covered goodness. We walked around the mall a bit then went back to her house and I spent the afternoon/evening with her and her two wonderful boys. It's hard to be sad with two kids that smile and laugh so much.

The next week was pretty hard on and off. Another significant date was coming up that Friday too. Friday the 24th was Aaron's 39th birthday.

The morning of the 24th, around 3am, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I was laying there trying to figure out what I was going to do that day. I decided that I really wanted to drive to the coast and scatter Aaron's ashes in the ocean/ beach. I was able to get back to sleep for a bit until my alarm when off at 8. I laid in bed for a while. Belle was being very cuddly. When I finally got up and walked out into the living room, once again there was the sun shining directly on Aaron's urn! This had not happened all week, since the Friday before, and hasn't happened since even though there have been sunny days. I know it was another good morning from Aaron as he was getting ready for his birthday party up in heaven.

I called Rachel when it was a decent hour to see if she was available to go to the coast with me. She was getting ready for her son's first birthday party the next day and couldn't go. So I sent a text to my friend Ivar. He had been working with the Register Guard while Aaron was sick and had gotten to know us working on stories and hanging out with us. He is currently working on something about me so I thought he would be perfect to go with me. I really wanted someone to go with just to have the company but not necessarily have a part in the scattering of the ashes. So, after he was done with school for the day, about 1:30, I put Belle in the car and we drove out to Florence. I wasn't quite ready to let all of Aaron go so I only took the ashes that didn't fit in the urn that I still had in a box. I drove to a place that Aaron and I had gone a few times. I got Belle leashed up, Ivar grabbed his cameras and we walked out on the beach. It was starting to rain/mist when we were walking out. Belle ran in and out of the water like a crazy dog. I got ready to scatter his ashes. As I walked toward the water it seemed to keep going out further and further. I kept walking out trying to get at least my feet in the water. I finally stopped and decided where I was was good enough and apparently the tide was going out. The wind had picked up by now as well as the rain and it felt like I was being pelted with hail. I opened the bag and let Aaron go. It swirled all up in the air as well as landed in a small pile at my feet. Right after I had finished, a larger wave rolled in and where all the others still hadn't come up to me, this one came in and washed over the small pile of ashes and took them out as it went. It was just absolutely perfect. Just one more moment of God's perfect timing.

Feeling absolutely assaulted by the weather and emotion building up we quickly got back to the car. After brushing off and getting my bearings again, we headed home.

Quite a few days since then have been difficult for me. While the hard days are getting less frequent since his death, it seems that when they do happen they are more intense. This Friday, the 2nd, was the 5 month anniversary of him going home. It's weird because in some sense it feels like I've been without him for much longer than 5 months and on the other had I can't believe it's already been 5 months. I like to think that Aaron would be proud of how I dealt with things and handled issues that have come up. One of my only regrets is that I wish I would have let him buy me a kiln sooner. Not for my benefit, but so he could see me using it and creating things. I know that would have given him great joy and I feel like I deprived him of that. There have been so many things that have happened or have been said recently that I just wish I could tell him. I just have to remember that he's having such an amazing time in Heaven that silly earthly things would completely pale in comparison.

I'll try to write more as I continue to move through things. While It wasn't an easy thing knowing for 2 1/2 years that Aaron was going to die from cancer, I do feel like we got to work through so many things together. Not many people get the opportunity to say everything they want to before their loved one passes away. We had the time to make sure there were no regrets and nothing went unsaid. We had discussions that most people don't even think about. Like what he wanted in a memorial service, what I was supposed to do with certain items or parts of his life insurance, even how long I should/would wait before I started dating again. A lot of those talks are private and I'm not going to share details, but I feel like I was blessed enough to get to go through quite a bit of the mourning process WITH Aaron. I know how he feels about thing and I praise God for that and know that there was no question between Aaron and I about how we felt about each other.

I do ask that you would continue to pray for me as I have rough days still. Thank you for your support thus far. Friends and family mean so much and even though I only know some of you through Facebook reading your words to me and those that have continued to be posted on Aaron's Facebook have helped so much.

Where are you Christmas?

I have yet to find Christmas this year. Yes I've heard music on the radio and watched certain movies that Aaron and I always watched, but it's just not right. It just doesn't seem worth it without Aaron.

Christmas was his favorite time of year. We'd start listening to Christmas music in October! Every year I decorated the house from head to toe. I wanted it to be bright and colorful and full of the holiday because it made Aaron happy. Without him here, I just can't find a reason or point to do it. It's gone from something I loved to do for someone I love to something that's just another thing I'd have to clean up and put away if I got it out.

I feel like Cindy Lou Who from The Grinch

"Where are you christmas
why can't I find you
why have you gone away

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
does that means Christmas changes too

where are you Christmas
do you remember
the girl you used to know

You and I were so carefree
and nothing easy
did Christmas change
or just me"

http://youtu.be/tc7XixGmQt8

I know this is short. I just don't know what else to say.

Long time no blog

So. This past month has been quite a journey. Not only is the road hard to follow, not knowing where it will end, but it seems to disappear at points and reappear 30ft over under a rock.

Right after Aaron passed I felt this huge weight lifted. Relief. He was no longer in pain. I didn't have to worry about him being sick, falling, being in pain. I didn't have to worry about who was going to stay with him while I went out. I had lived with a fear of something happening to him for almost a year and nothing I could do about it. I had spent 2 1/2 years watching the one I love decline, helpless to do anything about it but try to make him comfortable. To have that worry, fear and stress no longer dictating my day felt great. Of course in the midst of that relief the most important person to me was missing. I no longer had my best friend. The one person who loved me as I was, thought I was sexy in sweats with bed head and always put me first.

November 2nd caught me off guard. Already one month without Aaron. The relief, while still there, is now significantly smothered with grief. So many times I have seen something or thought something and the first one that comes to mind to tell is Aaron. If we could take things with us when we die, I'd start a list so I'd remember everything to tell him. The hardest thing for me is I have yet to have a dream with Aaron is in and I so badly want to see his face and talk with him, feel his arms around me, hear his voice. I pray at night to see Aaron in my dreams, but all I have are pictures.

Aaron and I talked about many things that he wanted for me after he was gone. He made it very clear that he wanted me to be happy and live life. He wanted me to find something within myself and continue on. Remarry. Have kids if I chose to. Knowing what he wanted I have started to do some of those things. As promised, I purchased a kiln to do glass fusing. Aaron always wanted me to have my own kiln and pursue my glass fusing. I have made a couple other purchases and planned a trip. I've had mixed responses from people about me spending money after people donated. I want to be very clear that I did pay medical bills. I have not spent any money that I received as donations after Aaron's passing on these purchases. Although I also feel like I shouldn't have to make account to everyone on how I spend my money. I assume most of you know that I could take back everything I have bought and cancel anything I have planned and give back any money I received to have Aaron back. I greatly appreciate all the donations I have received, both before and after Aaron passed. There are many times that if it hadn't been for the donations we would have been able to pay rent. I know Aaron wanted me to be happy. He loved to give me things and surprise me. I share what I'm doing not to throw it in people's faces that I'm spending money, but because I'm happy and proud of myself for being strong enough to move on and I want to share that with people and have them happy for me.

I'll try to write more often. Things are really up and down for me. I am currently still waiting for a hearing on my disability claim. I have had to add one additional anti-anxiety med since Aaron passed away. I have difficulty sleeping. I have been having complications with my reproductive system. Some of you may remember I had a problem with an ovarian cyst on our way down to California a little over a year ago. I had an ultrasound done a couple weeks ago and had an appointment today to discuss the findings. The ultrasound showed a 4cm polyp in my uterus as well as 4 cysts on my right ovary each 2-3cm in size. So this explains the issues I've been having. I will have to have surgery to remove the polyp and cysts. Depending on how things look after they take the cysts my doctor may remove my right ovary as well. They will to a D and C to rule out cancer, although she does not suspect any due to my age and shape of the polyp. It's not something that needs to be done right away so thankfully it won't interfere with the trips I have planned. I most likely won't have the surgery till January and the recovery time should be short. I've never had a surgery and am fairly apprehensive so prayers would be appreciated.

Thank you all for continuing to read my blog.

An extreme makeover: the God edition

I'm sitting in Aaron's hospital room looking out the window at the sun attempting to break through the gray clouds and remind us it's still there.
I know God is there doing the same thing. While there's all this gloom covering right now I know that God is right on the other side, not only reassuring me but also waiting to welcome Aaron into his kingdom and show him to his mansion. I know this isn't how it happens, but I imagine God yelling, "Move that bus!" Aaron seeing the mansion and God saying "welcome home Aaron Jamison. Welcome home". Aaron is about to get an extreme makeover of Godly proportions. He will be cancer free, pain free, no diabetes, able to run, jump, sing, do all the things that have been slowly taken away from him.

Over the past 24 hours he has become more and more unresponsive. This morning I thank God that he was alert enough for him to respond when I said I loved him and for me say goodbye and tell him it was ok to go home when he was ready and that I would be ok. I really believe that. I know God will take care of me. While I will miss him and still go through grieving for the loss of my husband and best friend I have peace.

As I'm writing this I'm listening to Pandora online singing "Blessed be the name of the Lord. You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." Aaron seems to be more peaceful with music playing. Yesterday was the Gaither Vocal Band, today it's Mercy Me Radio. There is something in Music that God has always used to speak to me. It never fails that just when I need it, the perfect song comes on the radio. I know Aaron used music as a prayer language to God.

I want to thank everyone for the overwhelming response in comments, prayers and well wishes. Aaron is an amazing man and I know he touched alot of people through this journey and before. While it doesn't seem fair at times, I know God used Aaron to reach so many people that otherwise may have never had a seed planted in their life. While I knew God before I married Aaron, he still made a huge impact of my relationship with God as well as opening my eyes to other things. I became a more open, accepting Christian. I learned through Aaron that It doesn't matter what race, gender, sexual preference, living situation, mental status, emotional status, financial status, God calls us to love them, not judge. You will never reach someone for God or plant a seed if you are judging or condemning them or telling them God doesn't love them because of who or how they are. God looks at everyone the same, in love, and he's the one who will be the judge in the end. We are called to love in Jesus' name in the mean time.

Thank you Aaron for being my best friend. You love me more than I though any man ever could. You always made me feel beautiful, loved and accepted as I am. Even when I was depressed, in sweats with bead head. I couldn't have asked God for a better mate. You were an answer to prayer. I pray for you now that you would rest, have sweet dreams and run into our Father's arms. With all the elderly people who pass, I'm sure he's looking forward to some young blood and better jokes. I imagine your Comedy Sportz jersey and ref shirt will be waiting for you in your mansion's closet.
I love you beyond what I can express.

Love always,
Your Monkey

Pain meds, Paramedics and Prayer

So it's been a while. It's not that I don't have things to write, it's more of I don't know where to start.
I'll go back a couple weeks.

About three weeks ago we noticed Aaron's abdomen was getting larger. We knew he couldn't be gaining weight as his appetite had gone down quite a bit. After talking with our nurse it was decided that he had developed Ascites. This is the accumulation of fluids as the liver gives out and isn't able to process everything anymore. That Monday he went in for a paracentesis where they use an ultrasound to see where the fluid is versus where the organs are and use a needle to go in and drain the fluid. They took off four liters of fluid (two soda bottles for those that need a visual). There was more than that there but they only take a maximum of 4 liters the first time to see how the body handles it. He seemed to be doing ok on the trip home. When we got home he made it up to the font door but was too weak to get up the front step and fell doing a belly flop on the front step. He came down on his knee, abdomen, chest and hit his head. With no strength to get up and me unable to lift him we had to call the paramedics. So we had the big fire truck pull up and the three guys were able to get him back up and into the house where he could get in his hospital bed. As a couple hours went by he said his port was starting to hut more and more. He finally pulled back the dressing to find that the needle had completely bent and come out of his chest all except for one little hook at the end of the needle. He he hadn't been getting any pain meds for a couple hours. The on-call nurse for hospice came out and put a new needle in but at this point we had to play catch up with the meds. He sat with the kitchen timer set for 20 minutes so he could hit his button to get additional meds as often as possible.The next few days were rough. He slept a lot as the drain had not only taken out fluid, but electrolytes and proteins. That Friday the nurse raised the dose of his pain meds.

We didn't make it to church Sunday. Honestly, after the week before, I was terrified to take him out of the house. I didn't want him to fall again. Especially out in public, where we'd still have to get him home and hope he could get up the front steps without another fall. It's not that he's clumsy, but so strength or stamina left.

Monday the nurse came out to hook up a new bag of pain meds. Aaron was still hurting pretty bad so they raised the dose again. Everything was pretty low key for a couple days till Thursday morning.

Aaron decided to sleep in our bed for the first time in a quite a while. Having a pillow top mattress the sides of the bed don't have a lot of support. Aaron rolled over to get get up and go to the bathroom and slid off the edge. He wasn't all the way to the ground but had no strength left and I wasn't able to help him up so he went down to the ground. We tried using the walker, the shower chair, anything that he could use to get up but it wasn't happening. So at 5:30 in the morning we called the paramedics and they came out to get him up. They sat him in a chair to rest for a bit before he tried to do anything else, made sure he wasn't hurt and left. Aaron sat in the chair for a good 25 minutes and was feeling like he had gotten some strength back. Seeing as he still hadn't gone to the bathroom, which was the whole point of getting up in the first place he used the walker and moved from the chair to the bathroom. When he got up from the toilet he was too weak and fell again, with his ribs landing across the toilet seat, ripping it off the toilet, the corner of the counter in his arm pit, his chest and port hitting the counter as he was wedged between the counter and the toilet and his foot going through the wall behind him. I hear him yell and fall from outside the door and went running. There was no way I could get him up myself and he was in such an awkward position that he couldn't get himself up so at about 6:15 I called the paramedics again. The same three guys came out. They were awesome. Very nice, not perturbed at all, even realized they recognized our last name and knew Aaron's mom from when she worked at the city. They got him into a more comfortable position and while he was resting before the next move talked about how great Jan was. When Aaron had fell on the front step we had given the guys our cancer sucks bracelets. Two of the same guys were there now and told us how the third guy had also made the connection of Aaron and Jan and at his wedding that following weekend he, and his bride, wore the bracelets in the wedding. It was a wonderful feeling for Aaron and I that someone would be so supportive of someone they hardly knew to wear the bracelets at their wedding.

The guys eventually got Aaron up and in his bed. They talked a bit more. One of the guys said that when he had come back from his tour of duty in Afghanistan that Jan had been the first person to give him a hug and say welcome back and how much that had meant to him. After they left, and with Aaron settled, pills taken and him dozing off I also went back to bed for about an hour. When I woke up I heard beeping in the living room. It was Aaron's pain pump saying it was out of meds. Of course it couldn't have been worse timing as Aaron had just fallen twice, bruising everything and possibly breaking ribs, and needed the pain meds!! Aaron said the alarm had been going off for about 45 minutes which meant it had been that long since he had had anything. I called hospice. His nurse was scheduled to come out that day anyway, just had to bump up the time. We didn't have an extra bag of meds at the house so she got on the phone with the pharmacy and both the meds and the nurse showed up in about 25 minutes. She got him all hooked up again and once again raised the dose of meds he would get both continuously and when he hit the button for an extra dose.  She also changed the program so he could hit the button for an extra dose from every 20 minutes to every 10 minutes.We spent the next couple hours with the kitchen timer again playing catch up trying to get his pain under control.

Since the three falls last week, he is getting weaker pretty steadily. He's gone from taking a shower by himself, to using a shower chair and after today's shower will be doing sponge type baths with my help. He is still able to get up to the bathroom using the walker, but hospice brought in the portable commode for us to have access to when he needs it. 

He has an appointment to have more fluids drained off on Tuesday as things have built back up again and are causing more pressure and discomfort.

As for me, I went to my doctor a couple weeks ago and was put on an additional medication to help with anxiety. So I am now on three medications and at about a 14 month wait for my turn at a hearing for disability. While the new med is helping, I still have times of panic.

Thank you all who have been praying for us and have been able to help financially. As of now we are going to be able to pay rent through November. If things continue as they have been, this should provide for me till I receive Aaron's life insurance check which will hopefully get me through till my hearing. Of course that's contingent on NOTHING unexpected happening and we all know how that usually goes.

Our friend has been working on a story about Aaron for quite some time now and it will be in this Sundays Register Guard paper in the Oregon Life section. Please check it out. It's months in the making. Thank you Serena and Ivar for working so hard and spending the time with us to put this together.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and catch up. Please continue to pray for us as I know from this point out thing will not get easier.