Significant dates and amazing timing

So it's 4am Sunday morning. I've been awake for about an hour now. Don't picture myself going back to sleep before it's time to get ready for church so I thought I'd give this blog thing some thought since it's been a couple months.

I guess I just don't feel like my life is interesting enough to write as often. Yesterday was the 5 month mark of Aaron passing. February was a very difficult month for me. A lot of things happened for Aaron and I in February and having to go through those without him for the first time was more than I could have imagined. Valentine's day wasn't too bad. I was single long enough before Aaron that I kind of just went back into the mode of "it's just another day". Three days later, Friday the 17th, was what would have been our 5 year wedding anniversary. The day before was really hard. I spent the day mostly in bed sleeping trying to avoid it. I got in a real funk. Luckily I had predicted this would happen ON our anniversary so I had planned to spend the day with my best friend Rachel to distract me.

The morning of our anniversary I got up around 8 like I always do. When I walked out into the living room I saw that the sun was shining through the window in the front door and hitting only one spot in the room. It was shining directly on Aaron's urn and no where else. I didn't think it was coincidence then and I still don't. Aaron was saying hi to me that morning and reminding me that he still loves me and I'm not alone. I got ready and went to Rachel's. We didn't do anything exciting. It was just the fact that I was with someone who loves me and not sitting at home by myself getting deeper into the funk that was already started. We went to the mall and had Cinnabon for lunch. Why? Because we could. Nothing stuffs down sadness better than cinnamonny, buttery frosting covered goodness. We walked around the mall a bit then went back to her house and I spent the afternoon/evening with her and her two wonderful boys. It's hard to be sad with two kids that smile and laugh so much.

The next week was pretty hard on and off. Another significant date was coming up that Friday too. Friday the 24th was Aaron's 39th birthday.

The morning of the 24th, around 3am, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I was laying there trying to figure out what I was going to do that day. I decided that I really wanted to drive to the coast and scatter Aaron's ashes in the ocean/ beach. I was able to get back to sleep for a bit until my alarm when off at 8. I laid in bed for a while. Belle was being very cuddly. When I finally got up and walked out into the living room, once again there was the sun shining directly on Aaron's urn! This had not happened all week, since the Friday before, and hasn't happened since even though there have been sunny days. I know it was another good morning from Aaron as he was getting ready for his birthday party up in heaven.

I called Rachel when it was a decent hour to see if she was available to go to the coast with me. She was getting ready for her son's first birthday party the next day and couldn't go. So I sent a text to my friend Ivar. He had been working with the Register Guard while Aaron was sick and had gotten to know us working on stories and hanging out with us. He is currently working on something about me so I thought he would be perfect to go with me. I really wanted someone to go with just to have the company but not necessarily have a part in the scattering of the ashes. So, after he was done with school for the day, about 1:30, I put Belle in the car and we drove out to Florence. I wasn't quite ready to let all of Aaron go so I only took the ashes that didn't fit in the urn that I still had in a box. I drove to a place that Aaron and I had gone a few times. I got Belle leashed up, Ivar grabbed his cameras and we walked out on the beach. It was starting to rain/mist when we were walking out. Belle ran in and out of the water like a crazy dog. I got ready to scatter his ashes. As I walked toward the water it seemed to keep going out further and further. I kept walking out trying to get at least my feet in the water. I finally stopped and decided where I was was good enough and apparently the tide was going out. The wind had picked up by now as well as the rain and it felt like I was being pelted with hail. I opened the bag and let Aaron go. It swirled all up in the air as well as landed in a small pile at my feet. Right after I had finished, a larger wave rolled in and where all the others still hadn't come up to me, this one came in and washed over the small pile of ashes and took them out as it went. It was just absolutely perfect. Just one more moment of God's perfect timing.

Feeling absolutely assaulted by the weather and emotion building up we quickly got back to the car. After brushing off and getting my bearings again, we headed home.

Quite a few days since then have been difficult for me. While the hard days are getting less frequent since his death, it seems that when they do happen they are more intense. This Friday, the 2nd, was the 5 month anniversary of him going home. It's weird because in some sense it feels like I've been without him for much longer than 5 months and on the other had I can't believe it's already been 5 months. I like to think that Aaron would be proud of how I dealt with things and handled issues that have come up. One of my only regrets is that I wish I would have let him buy me a kiln sooner. Not for my benefit, but so he could see me using it and creating things. I know that would have given him great joy and I feel like I deprived him of that. There have been so many things that have happened or have been said recently that I just wish I could tell him. I just have to remember that he's having such an amazing time in Heaven that silly earthly things would completely pale in comparison.

I'll try to write more as I continue to move through things. While It wasn't an easy thing knowing for 2 1/2 years that Aaron was going to die from cancer, I do feel like we got to work through so many things together. Not many people get the opportunity to say everything they want to before their loved one passes away. We had the time to make sure there were no regrets and nothing went unsaid. We had discussions that most people don't even think about. Like what he wanted in a memorial service, what I was supposed to do with certain items or parts of his life insurance, even how long I should/would wait before I started dating again. A lot of those talks are private and I'm not going to share details, but I feel like I was blessed enough to get to go through quite a bit of the mourning process WITH Aaron. I know how he feels about thing and I praise God for that and know that there was no question between Aaron and I about how we felt about each other.

I do ask that you would continue to pray for me as I have rough days still. Thank you for your support thus far. Friends and family mean so much and even though I only know some of you through Facebook reading your words to me and those that have continued to be posted on Aaron's Facebook have helped so much.

Where are you Christmas?

I have yet to find Christmas this year. Yes I've heard music on the radio and watched certain movies that Aaron and I always watched, but it's just not right. It just doesn't seem worth it without Aaron.

Christmas was his favorite time of year. We'd start listening to Christmas music in October! Every year I decorated the house from head to toe. I wanted it to be bright and colorful and full of the holiday because it made Aaron happy. Without him here, I just can't find a reason or point to do it. It's gone from something I loved to do for someone I love to something that's just another thing I'd have to clean up and put away if I got it out.

I feel like Cindy Lou Who from The Grinch

"Where are you christmas
why can't I find you
why have you gone away

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
does that means Christmas changes too

where are you Christmas
do you remember
the girl you used to know

You and I were so carefree
and nothing easy
did Christmas change
or just me"

http://youtu.be/tc7XixGmQt8

I know this is short. I just don't know what else to say.

Long time no blog

So. This past month has been quite a journey. Not only is the road hard to follow, not knowing where it will end, but it seems to disappear at points and reappear 30ft over under a rock.

Right after Aaron passed I felt this huge weight lifted. Relief. He was no longer in pain. I didn't have to worry about him being sick, falling, being in pain. I didn't have to worry about who was going to stay with him while I went out. I had lived with a fear of something happening to him for almost a year and nothing I could do about it. I had spent 2 1/2 years watching the one I love decline, helpless to do anything about it but try to make him comfortable. To have that worry, fear and stress no longer dictating my day felt great. Of course in the midst of that relief the most important person to me was missing. I no longer had my best friend. The one person who loved me as I was, thought I was sexy in sweats with bed head and always put me first.

November 2nd caught me off guard. Already one month without Aaron. The relief, while still there, is now significantly smothered with grief. So many times I have seen something or thought something and the first one that comes to mind to tell is Aaron. If we could take things with us when we die, I'd start a list so I'd remember everything to tell him. The hardest thing for me is I have yet to have a dream with Aaron is in and I so badly want to see his face and talk with him, feel his arms around me, hear his voice. I pray at night to see Aaron in my dreams, but all I have are pictures.

Aaron and I talked about many things that he wanted for me after he was gone. He made it very clear that he wanted me to be happy and live life. He wanted me to find something within myself and continue on. Remarry. Have kids if I chose to. Knowing what he wanted I have started to do some of those things. As promised, I purchased a kiln to do glass fusing. Aaron always wanted me to have my own kiln and pursue my glass fusing. I have made a couple other purchases and planned a trip. I've had mixed responses from people about me spending money after people donated. I want to be very clear that I did pay medical bills. I have not spent any money that I received as donations after Aaron's passing on these purchases. Although I also feel like I shouldn't have to make account to everyone on how I spend my money. I assume most of you know that I could take back everything I have bought and cancel anything I have planned and give back any money I received to have Aaron back. I greatly appreciate all the donations I have received, both before and after Aaron passed. There are many times that if it hadn't been for the donations we would have been able to pay rent. I know Aaron wanted me to be happy. He loved to give me things and surprise me. I share what I'm doing not to throw it in people's faces that I'm spending money, but because I'm happy and proud of myself for being strong enough to move on and I want to share that with people and have them happy for me.

I'll try to write more often. Things are really up and down for me. I am currently still waiting for a hearing on my disability claim. I have had to add one additional anti-anxiety med since Aaron passed away. I have difficulty sleeping. I have been having complications with my reproductive system. Some of you may remember I had a problem with an ovarian cyst on our way down to California a little over a year ago. I had an ultrasound done a couple weeks ago and had an appointment today to discuss the findings. The ultrasound showed a 4cm polyp in my uterus as well as 4 cysts on my right ovary each 2-3cm in size. So this explains the issues I've been having. I will have to have surgery to remove the polyp and cysts. Depending on how things look after they take the cysts my doctor may remove my right ovary as well. They will to a D and C to rule out cancer, although she does not suspect any due to my age and shape of the polyp. It's not something that needs to be done right away so thankfully it won't interfere with the trips I have planned. I most likely won't have the surgery till January and the recovery time should be short. I've never had a surgery and am fairly apprehensive so prayers would be appreciated.

Thank you all for continuing to read my blog.

An extreme makeover: the God edition

I'm sitting in Aaron's hospital room looking out the window at the sun attempting to break through the gray clouds and remind us it's still there.
I know God is there doing the same thing. While there's all this gloom covering right now I know that God is right on the other side, not only reassuring me but also waiting to welcome Aaron into his kingdom and show him to his mansion. I know this isn't how it happens, but I imagine God yelling, "Move that bus!" Aaron seeing the mansion and God saying "welcome home Aaron Jamison. Welcome home". Aaron is about to get an extreme makeover of Godly proportions. He will be cancer free, pain free, no diabetes, able to run, jump, sing, do all the things that have been slowly taken away from him.

Over the past 24 hours he has become more and more unresponsive. This morning I thank God that he was alert enough for him to respond when I said I loved him and for me say goodbye and tell him it was ok to go home when he was ready and that I would be ok. I really believe that. I know God will take care of me. While I will miss him and still go through grieving for the loss of my husband and best friend I have peace.

As I'm writing this I'm listening to Pandora online singing "Blessed be the name of the Lord. You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." Aaron seems to be more peaceful with music playing. Yesterday was the Gaither Vocal Band, today it's Mercy Me Radio. There is something in Music that God has always used to speak to me. It never fails that just when I need it, the perfect song comes on the radio. I know Aaron used music as a prayer language to God.

I want to thank everyone for the overwhelming response in comments, prayers and well wishes. Aaron is an amazing man and I know he touched alot of people through this journey and before. While it doesn't seem fair at times, I know God used Aaron to reach so many people that otherwise may have never had a seed planted in their life. While I knew God before I married Aaron, he still made a huge impact of my relationship with God as well as opening my eyes to other things. I became a more open, accepting Christian. I learned through Aaron that It doesn't matter what race, gender, sexual preference, living situation, mental status, emotional status, financial status, God calls us to love them, not judge. You will never reach someone for God or plant a seed if you are judging or condemning them or telling them God doesn't love them because of who or how they are. God looks at everyone the same, in love, and he's the one who will be the judge in the end. We are called to love in Jesus' name in the mean time.

Thank you Aaron for being my best friend. You love me more than I though any man ever could. You always made me feel beautiful, loved and accepted as I am. Even when I was depressed, in sweats with bead head. I couldn't have asked God for a better mate. You were an answer to prayer. I pray for you now that you would rest, have sweet dreams and run into our Father's arms. With all the elderly people who pass, I'm sure he's looking forward to some young blood and better jokes. I imagine your Comedy Sportz jersey and ref shirt will be waiting for you in your mansion's closet.
I love you beyond what I can express.

Love always,
Your Monkey

Pain meds, Paramedics and Prayer

So it's been a while. It's not that I don't have things to write, it's more of I don't know where to start.
I'll go back a couple weeks.

About three weeks ago we noticed Aaron's abdomen was getting larger. We knew he couldn't be gaining weight as his appetite had gone down quite a bit. After talking with our nurse it was decided that he had developed Ascites. This is the accumulation of fluids as the liver gives out and isn't able to process everything anymore. That Monday he went in for a paracentesis where they use an ultrasound to see where the fluid is versus where the organs are and use a needle to go in and drain the fluid. They took off four liters of fluid (two soda bottles for those that need a visual). There was more than that there but they only take a maximum of 4 liters the first time to see how the body handles it. He seemed to be doing ok on the trip home. When we got home he made it up to the font door but was too weak to get up the front step and fell doing a belly flop on the front step. He came down on his knee, abdomen, chest and hit his head. With no strength to get up and me unable to lift him we had to call the paramedics. So we had the big fire truck pull up and the three guys were able to get him back up and into the house where he could get in his hospital bed. As a couple hours went by he said his port was starting to hut more and more. He finally pulled back the dressing to find that the needle had completely bent and come out of his chest all except for one little hook at the end of the needle. He he hadn't been getting any pain meds for a couple hours. The on-call nurse for hospice came out and put a new needle in but at this point we had to play catch up with the meds. He sat with the kitchen timer set for 20 minutes so he could hit his button to get additional meds as often as possible.The next few days were rough. He slept a lot as the drain had not only taken out fluid, but electrolytes and proteins. That Friday the nurse raised the dose of his pain meds.

We didn't make it to church Sunday. Honestly, after the week before, I was terrified to take him out of the house. I didn't want him to fall again. Especially out in public, where we'd still have to get him home and hope he could get up the front steps without another fall. It's not that he's clumsy, but so strength or stamina left.

Monday the nurse came out to hook up a new bag of pain meds. Aaron was still hurting pretty bad so they raised the dose again. Everything was pretty low key for a couple days till Thursday morning.

Aaron decided to sleep in our bed for the first time in a quite a while. Having a pillow top mattress the sides of the bed don't have a lot of support. Aaron rolled over to get get up and go to the bathroom and slid off the edge. He wasn't all the way to the ground but had no strength left and I wasn't able to help him up so he went down to the ground. We tried using the walker, the shower chair, anything that he could use to get up but it wasn't happening. So at 5:30 in the morning we called the paramedics and they came out to get him up. They sat him in a chair to rest for a bit before he tried to do anything else, made sure he wasn't hurt and left. Aaron sat in the chair for a good 25 minutes and was feeling like he had gotten some strength back. Seeing as he still hadn't gone to the bathroom, which was the whole point of getting up in the first place he used the walker and moved from the chair to the bathroom. When he got up from the toilet he was too weak and fell again, with his ribs landing across the toilet seat, ripping it off the toilet, the corner of the counter in his arm pit, his chest and port hitting the counter as he was wedged between the counter and the toilet and his foot going through the wall behind him. I hear him yell and fall from outside the door and went running. There was no way I could get him up myself and he was in such an awkward position that he couldn't get himself up so at about 6:15 I called the paramedics again. The same three guys came out. They were awesome. Very nice, not perturbed at all, even realized they recognized our last name and knew Aaron's mom from when she worked at the city. They got him into a more comfortable position and while he was resting before the next move talked about how great Jan was. When Aaron had fell on the front step we had given the guys our cancer sucks bracelets. Two of the same guys were there now and told us how the third guy had also made the connection of Aaron and Jan and at his wedding that following weekend he, and his bride, wore the bracelets in the wedding. It was a wonderful feeling for Aaron and I that someone would be so supportive of someone they hardly knew to wear the bracelets at their wedding.

The guys eventually got Aaron up and in his bed. They talked a bit more. One of the guys said that when he had come back from his tour of duty in Afghanistan that Jan had been the first person to give him a hug and say welcome back and how much that had meant to him. After they left, and with Aaron settled, pills taken and him dozing off I also went back to bed for about an hour. When I woke up I heard beeping in the living room. It was Aaron's pain pump saying it was out of meds. Of course it couldn't have been worse timing as Aaron had just fallen twice, bruising everything and possibly breaking ribs, and needed the pain meds!! Aaron said the alarm had been going off for about 45 minutes which meant it had been that long since he had had anything. I called hospice. His nurse was scheduled to come out that day anyway, just had to bump up the time. We didn't have an extra bag of meds at the house so she got on the phone with the pharmacy and both the meds and the nurse showed up in about 25 minutes. She got him all hooked up again and once again raised the dose of meds he would get both continuously and when he hit the button for an extra dose.  She also changed the program so he could hit the button for an extra dose from every 20 minutes to every 10 minutes.We spent the next couple hours with the kitchen timer again playing catch up trying to get his pain under control.

Since the three falls last week, he is getting weaker pretty steadily. He's gone from taking a shower by himself, to using a shower chair and after today's shower will be doing sponge type baths with my help. He is still able to get up to the bathroom using the walker, but hospice brought in the portable commode for us to have access to when he needs it. 

He has an appointment to have more fluids drained off on Tuesday as things have built back up again and are causing more pressure and discomfort.

As for me, I went to my doctor a couple weeks ago and was put on an additional medication to help with anxiety. So I am now on three medications and at about a 14 month wait for my turn at a hearing for disability. While the new med is helping, I still have times of panic.

Thank you all who have been praying for us and have been able to help financially. As of now we are going to be able to pay rent through November. If things continue as they have been, this should provide for me till I receive Aaron's life insurance check which will hopefully get me through till my hearing. Of course that's contingent on NOTHING unexpected happening and we all know how that usually goes.

Our friend has been working on a story about Aaron for quite some time now and it will be in this Sundays Register Guard paper in the Oregon Life section. Please check it out. It's months in the making. Thank you Serena and Ivar for working so hard and spending the time with us to put this together.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and catch up. Please continue to pray for us as I know from this point out thing will not get easier.

Help me to help you to help me

Alot of people have told me, "Let me know if you need help." Well I need help. I don't do well asking for help. When I was a little kid, my phrase was "self do it". I still have this mentality. So, this is a blog meant to help you help me.

When people ask me what can I do to help? or what do you need help with?, the question is so overwhelming to me that my mind literally goes blank and the anxiety begins to build. So what would be more helpful to me is if people who are willing to help called me and stated what they would like to help with.
The easiest way I can think to describe what I need help with is put yourself in my shoes. Think about what needs to be done in your house on a daily basis. Dinners, some house keeping, yardwork, dog walking, etc. Any help is much appreciated.

If you are able or willing to do any of the above or something else beyond what I mentioned please let me know. If you aren't able to do any physical help, but have some extra you can donate to help with bills that's great as well. You can email me or call or use the button at the top right to donate.

kristinjamison@gmail.com
541-337-4129


Thank you all for your support and prayers.

How much pain can a patient take if a patient can take pain?

I know it's been a while since I've written. There are many things to write about. The problem is picking one or two things and trying to pull them out of the mass of thoughts going through my head on a daily basis. I don't do well with change and that's all my life consists of these days. Let me see if I can back up my thoughts and try to catch you up.

Aaron's parents came out to visit at the end of last month. They were here for 10 days, and in that 10 days we watched all of the Harry Potter movies and ended it by going to see the final one in the theater. That was fun since it had been a while since I had seen the first ones. Also while they were here Relay For Life happened. It was something we had been preparing for for months. We had an awesome team of friends who helped up have someone on the track for all 24 hours of the event. I, along with four of our friends stayed the full 24 hours. Our team raised just over $1,800 for the American Cancer Society. Aaron was able to be at the event for quite a few hours. He participated in the survivor lap, for those who have beat cancer as well as still have cancer, along with his caregivers, me, his mom and dad and our friend Tim.


Right before Aaron's parents came to visit, his pain started to increase in both his liver and colon. The Dr.s and hospice nurse raised his pain medication by 10mg at each dose (3x a day). Again, just this last weekend, his pain level increased greatly. We called late at night on Thursday and talking to the on call nurse who told up we could increase the dose of his secondary pain med, which we did and it helped somewhat that night. The next day had really no change. We were able to go to the first get together for Aaron's 20 year high school reunion and stay for about an hour before he had to come home. Saturday his pain increased again. Of course being the weekend we got the on call nurse and not his regular nurse who knows him. There was a very frustrating conversation and after 20-30 minutes it was decided he could once again up his pain meds by another 10mg at each dose which brought it to a total of 50mg on Methadone 3x a day as well as using the 50mg of Oxycodone every hour as needed. At 20mg per ml, we successfully used up 60ml bottle in three days. We are currently still at that dose and it seems to keep his pain level at a constant 6 out of 10 on the pain scale, with some increases on and off.

Since the last increase I, as well as Aaron, have noticed a significant change in his vision, stability, thought process, ability to communicate, as well as increased sleeping. I feel like I'm watching him, bit by bit, fade away. Aaron is no longer able to play his XBOX 360, which used to give him a great distraction and way to deal with pain. Not only is he unable to see the screen or read any directions, he falls asleep before he's able to play. He is now dizzy often with any movement and has taken several falls in the last couple weeks. He has started to hallucinate more when he's really sleepy and talks about things that he's dreamed about or seen in a brief moment of closing his eyes. He's still at a point where he knows those things haven't happened, but I know it has to be frustrating. I've seen him struggle and get frustrated that he's unable to draw cards for friends anymore. I have seen this disease take away almost everything that played a part in making Aaron who he is. Most days he sleeps the majority of it.

After a visit with his nurse today, he will be put on a portable pain pump. This will replace his methadone and oxycodone with a constant stream of pain meds as well as give him the option to his a button every 10-15 minutes for an extra push of the medication. The hope is to have it in place and have working for at lease 24 hours before the weekend starts. Hopefully all the paperwork gets processed in time.

I know, logically, that the increase of the pain meds and the effects it's having, means that things are starting to wind down and the end of the road for this journey is coming up. While I am nowhere near ready to loose Aaron, I do look forward to the day that he's no longer in this horrible pain, not only physically, but emotionally.