Alot of people have told me, "Let me know if you need help." Well I need help. I don't do well asking for help. When I was a little kid, my phrase was "self do it". I still have this mentality. So, this is a blog meant to help you help me.
When people ask me what can I do to help? or what do you need help with?, the question is so overwhelming to me that my mind literally goes blank and the anxiety begins to build. So what would be more helpful to me is if people who are willing to help called me and stated what they would like to help with.
The easiest way I can think to describe what I need help with is put yourself in my shoes. Think about what needs to be done in your house on a daily basis. Dinners, some house keeping, yardwork, dog walking, etc. Any help is much appreciated.
If you are able or willing to do any of the above or something else beyond what I mentioned please let me know. If you aren't able to do any physical help, but have some extra you can donate to help with bills that's great as well. You can email me or call or use the button at the top right to donate.
kristinjamison@gmail.com
541-337-4129
Thank you all for your support and prayers.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
How much pain can a patient take if a patient can take pain?
I know it's been a while since I've written. There are many things to write about. The problem is picking one or two things and trying to pull them out of the mass of thoughts going through my head on a daily basis. I don't do well with change and that's all my life consists of these days. Let me see if I can back up my thoughts and try to catch you up.
Aaron's parents came out to visit at the end of last month. They were here for 10 days, and in that 10 days we watched all of the Harry Potter movies and ended it by going to see the final one in the theater. That was fun since it had been a while since I had seen the first ones. Also while they were here Relay For Life happened. It was something we had been preparing for for months. We had an awesome team of friends who helped up have someone on the track for all 24 hours of the event. I, along with four of our friends stayed the full 24 hours. Our team raised just over $1,800 for the American Cancer Society. Aaron was able to be at the event for quite a few hours. He participated in the survivor lap, for those who have beat cancer as well as still have cancer, along with his caregivers, me, his mom and dad and our friend Tim.
Right before Aaron's parents came to visit, his pain started to increase in both his liver and colon. The Dr.s and hospice nurse raised his pain medication by 10mg at each dose (3x a day). Again, just this last weekend, his pain level increased greatly. We called late at night on Thursday and talking to the on call nurse who told up we could increase the dose of his secondary pain med, which we did and it helped somewhat that night. The next day had really no change. We were able to go to the first get together for Aaron's 20 year high school reunion and stay for about an hour before he had to come home. Saturday his pain increased again. Of course being the weekend we got the on call nurse and not his regular nurse who knows him. There was a very frustrating conversation and after 20-30 minutes it was decided he could once again up his pain meds by another 10mg at each dose which brought it to a total of 50mg on Methadone 3x a day as well as using the 50mg of Oxycodone every hour as needed. At 20mg per ml, we successfully used up 60ml bottle in three days. We are currently still at that dose and it seems to keep his pain level at a constant 6 out of 10 on the pain scale, with some increases on and off.
Since the last increase I, as well as Aaron, have noticed a significant change in his vision, stability, thought process, ability to communicate, as well as increased sleeping. I feel like I'm watching him, bit by bit, fade away. Aaron is no longer able to play his XBOX 360, which used to give him a great distraction and way to deal with pain. Not only is he unable to see the screen or read any directions, he falls asleep before he's able to play. He is now dizzy often with any movement and has taken several falls in the last couple weeks. He has started to hallucinate more when he's really sleepy and talks about things that he's dreamed about or seen in a brief moment of closing his eyes. He's still at a point where he knows those things haven't happened, but I know it has to be frustrating. I've seen him struggle and get frustrated that he's unable to draw cards for friends anymore. I have seen this disease take away almost everything that played a part in making Aaron who he is. Most days he sleeps the majority of it.
After a visit with his nurse today, he will be put on a portable pain pump. This will replace his methadone and oxycodone with a constant stream of pain meds as well as give him the option to his a button every 10-15 minutes for an extra push of the medication. The hope is to have it in place and have working for at lease 24 hours before the weekend starts. Hopefully all the paperwork gets processed in time.
I know, logically, that the increase of the pain meds and the effects it's having, means that things are starting to wind down and the end of the road for this journey is coming up. While I am nowhere near ready to loose Aaron, I do look forward to the day that he's no longer in this horrible pain, not only physically, but emotionally.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Who put the granade in the snowball?
So I have started several blogs over the past couple weeks but never get far. There are so many things I want to say and are feeling but there are just no words to describe. The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster and I feel like not only will my seat belt not latch but the lap bar is stuck in the upright position while I'm about to go over the tallest drop.
I say the past few weeks, but looking back it's only been 10 days. Ugh. I did not need that realization.
On the 18th Aaron's parents left for their move/roadtrip to New York. It's something we knew was coming and Aaron had talked about alot with his parents (side note: he wanted the knowledge that his parents had a place to go and would be taken care of when he was gone and they wanted the security of a home to come back to rather than trying to start a move when all was said and done) it has been hard without them. Even though we encouraged them to go and get settled, then come back, I did feel a bit abandoned. It's hard to be the soul caregiver 24 hours a day. Let me make it perfectly clear that I love Aaron and do all of this out of love and respect, not obligation, but even then it makes for a long day.
After the pizza fundraiser, on the 16th, Aaron's back started to hurt terribly, along with the already new and bad liver pains. With the help of hospice, multiple phone calls and nurses visits, his pain meds were raised to a level that makes him comfortable which is now three times a day instead of two.
Shortly after that he started having hallucinations. Not of bugs on the wall or scary things around him but of travel. Like sitting in a train and viewing our entertainment center as an antique cabinet while he composed a text message on an old fashion type writer. It may sound funny now but it was quite scary and confusing at the time. It turns out this is related to the fact that his liver is loosing function and starting to create a build up of ammonia in his system. So once that was figured out another medication was added (twice a day) to, in essence, bind the ammonia and flush it out of his system. At some point the ammonia will overpower what the medication is able to do and the cognitive issues will return.
On Tuesday Aaron's lift chair broke. It had been such a blessing that our friend Karen gave to him to use after her husband had used it. It looked to be more than we could or had the patience to fix. Two separate screws were broken off, a screw on the other side was bending and some wood had been splintered. This may not seem like a huge thing to overcome but it was almost my breaking point. It just seemed to be the icing on the cake.
Wednesday morning I found a new lift chair on craigslist for $75. That is almost unheard of being that they cost around $1300. That was truly a miracle. A friends son was able to pick it up and deliver it as well as haul off the old one to St. Vincent DePaul where they can hopefully fix and resell it.
Wednesday afternoon was Aaron's first day out of the house since the fundraiser. We had to go to the doctor to have bloodwork done to get a pre-authorization for his insulin. When we got home Aaron got light headed getting out of the car and fell on the sidewalk in front of our house. We tried for a while to get him up, just the two of us, but there was just no strength in his legs. After a while we decided to call the paramedics. Of course they showed up in all the fire truck and ambulance glory.(at least no sirens). The men were able to help Aaron up and he used his walker to get back into the house. Of course somewhere in the process of getting up he separated a rib on the right side.
So to recap, in the last 10 days, extreme back pain after fundraiser, Aaron's parents moved, hallucinations and realization that liver is failing, chair breaks, fall and separated rib. No wonder the last few days all I've wanted to do is sleep.
After things happen so close together my depression usually gets worse. I go through so many ups and downs and anxiety having to make decisions, solve problems, come to grips with the newest "normal" that I just crash when there's a lull.
The last three days all I've wanted to do is sleep. Aaron's very good at letting me do what I need when I can. Of course I still need to make sure that he gets his meds at the right times, has something to drink, doesn't need any breakthrough pain meds and figure out what's for breakfast, lunch and dinner. With his new med regiment he has to have his first dose at 7am and has to have something to eat before he can take it. Then again at 2:30, dinner time and the last dose at 10pm. This is even harder to do when I'm depressed and don't want to get up. I don't list everything I have to do for Aaron to complain. But people don't know what our life is like on a daily basis.
Today I feel indifferent about everything. I want to sleep, but I don't want to leave Aaron alone. I'm hungry but I have no appetite and nothing sounds good. I'm tired of watching tv, but I have no interest in doing anything else. I feel restless and agitated. I also feel like I could cry at any moment. And there's nothing I can do to fix or change any of it. That's the hardest part.
When I was a little kid and didn't want help with something I would say "self do it!" well. Now I'm in a situation where so much is going on and there's nothing I can "self do"! I am completely helpless to be present while Aaron's body slowly fails, then just stops working. Sure I can make sure he has pain meds and is as comfortable as possible but that doesn't actually fix anything.
Our next hurdle is going to be finding a roommate and fast. We have to have someone move into our second room in order to make it financially. On Aaron's disability alone there is no way we can pay all our bills with the $300 that is left after rent. It's hard to find someone that's willing to move into the mess that is our life and be willing to pay to do so.
The only way we could get by with not having a renter is if my disability appeal comes through and I am granted disability for my anxiety and depression. Honestly I think if they lived just a day or two in our house they would practically throw the certificate at me! But instead they go by notes and the amount of money they would have to pay out to me over my lifetime if I never go back to work. It's so easy for someone who's never dealt with this illness to look at you and say " I hope you feel better soon." It's not like a virus that goes away. While some days are better than others, it is something that I'll have to deal with constantly and will probably always be on medication for.
So that's my update. If you have any extra or are willing to help us out there's a donation button at the top right on my blog. Things are going to get ugly real fast for us we don't get something to bring in that extra money we need.
Thank you for following and reading both mine and Aaron's blogs. It is nice to know that people care even when we feel so alone.
I say the past few weeks, but looking back it's only been 10 days. Ugh. I did not need that realization.
On the 18th Aaron's parents left for their move/roadtrip to New York. It's something we knew was coming and Aaron had talked about alot with his parents (side note: he wanted the knowledge that his parents had a place to go and would be taken care of when he was gone and they wanted the security of a home to come back to rather than trying to start a move when all was said and done) it has been hard without them. Even though we encouraged them to go and get settled, then come back, I did feel a bit abandoned. It's hard to be the soul caregiver 24 hours a day. Let me make it perfectly clear that I love Aaron and do all of this out of love and respect, not obligation, but even then it makes for a long day.
After the pizza fundraiser, on the 16th, Aaron's back started to hurt terribly, along with the already new and bad liver pains. With the help of hospice, multiple phone calls and nurses visits, his pain meds were raised to a level that makes him comfortable which is now three times a day instead of two.
Shortly after that he started having hallucinations. Not of bugs on the wall or scary things around him but of travel. Like sitting in a train and viewing our entertainment center as an antique cabinet while he composed a text message on an old fashion type writer. It may sound funny now but it was quite scary and confusing at the time. It turns out this is related to the fact that his liver is loosing function and starting to create a build up of ammonia in his system. So once that was figured out another medication was added (twice a day) to, in essence, bind the ammonia and flush it out of his system. At some point the ammonia will overpower what the medication is able to do and the cognitive issues will return.
On Tuesday Aaron's lift chair broke. It had been such a blessing that our friend Karen gave to him to use after her husband had used it. It looked to be more than we could or had the patience to fix. Two separate screws were broken off, a screw on the other side was bending and some wood had been splintered. This may not seem like a huge thing to overcome but it was almost my breaking point. It just seemed to be the icing on the cake.
Wednesday morning I found a new lift chair on craigslist for $75. That is almost unheard of being that they cost around $1300. That was truly a miracle. A friends son was able to pick it up and deliver it as well as haul off the old one to St. Vincent DePaul where they can hopefully fix and resell it.
Wednesday afternoon was Aaron's first day out of the house since the fundraiser. We had to go to the doctor to have bloodwork done to get a pre-authorization for his insulin. When we got home Aaron got light headed getting out of the car and fell on the sidewalk in front of our house. We tried for a while to get him up, just the two of us, but there was just no strength in his legs. After a while we decided to call the paramedics. Of course they showed up in all the fire truck and ambulance glory.(at least no sirens). The men were able to help Aaron up and he used his walker to get back into the house. Of course somewhere in the process of getting up he separated a rib on the right side.
So to recap, in the last 10 days, extreme back pain after fundraiser, Aaron's parents moved, hallucinations and realization that liver is failing, chair breaks, fall and separated rib. No wonder the last few days all I've wanted to do is sleep.
After things happen so close together my depression usually gets worse. I go through so many ups and downs and anxiety having to make decisions, solve problems, come to grips with the newest "normal" that I just crash when there's a lull.
The last three days all I've wanted to do is sleep. Aaron's very good at letting me do what I need when I can. Of course I still need to make sure that he gets his meds at the right times, has something to drink, doesn't need any breakthrough pain meds and figure out what's for breakfast, lunch and dinner. With his new med regiment he has to have his first dose at 7am and has to have something to eat before he can take it. Then again at 2:30, dinner time and the last dose at 10pm. This is even harder to do when I'm depressed and don't want to get up. I don't list everything I have to do for Aaron to complain. But people don't know what our life is like on a daily basis.
Today I feel indifferent about everything. I want to sleep, but I don't want to leave Aaron alone. I'm hungry but I have no appetite and nothing sounds good. I'm tired of watching tv, but I have no interest in doing anything else. I feel restless and agitated. I also feel like I could cry at any moment. And there's nothing I can do to fix or change any of it. That's the hardest part.
When I was a little kid and didn't want help with something I would say "self do it!" well. Now I'm in a situation where so much is going on and there's nothing I can "self do"! I am completely helpless to be present while Aaron's body slowly fails, then just stops working. Sure I can make sure he has pain meds and is as comfortable as possible but that doesn't actually fix anything.
Our next hurdle is going to be finding a roommate and fast. We have to have someone move into our second room in order to make it financially. On Aaron's disability alone there is no way we can pay all our bills with the $300 that is left after rent. It's hard to find someone that's willing to move into the mess that is our life and be willing to pay to do so.
The only way we could get by with not having a renter is if my disability appeal comes through and I am granted disability for my anxiety and depression. Honestly I think if they lived just a day or two in our house they would practically throw the certificate at me! But instead they go by notes and the amount of money they would have to pay out to me over my lifetime if I never go back to work. It's so easy for someone who's never dealt with this illness to look at you and say " I hope you feel better soon." It's not like a virus that goes away. While some days are better than others, it is something that I'll have to deal with constantly and will probably always be on medication for.
So that's my update. If you have any extra or are willing to help us out there's a donation button at the top right on my blog. Things are going to get ugly real fast for us we don't get something to bring in that extra money we need.
Thank you for following and reading both mine and Aaron's blogs. It is nice to know that people care even when we feel so alone.
Monday, April 25, 2011
How does one grow a money tree
This morning I'm panicked, scared, feeling hopeless.......We are soon going to find ourselves living beyond our means. It's not that we're splurging or being frivolous, income is just not enough to cover necessities.
Next month Aaron's parents will be starting the move to New York. This has been the plan for quite a while and something Aaron wants, because he knows his parents will be taken care of there and able to move on with a good life. While this is something we all have discussed and want to happen, the reality is that once they are gone we are financially unable to make it from month to month.
Last night Aaron did the thing no one wants to do and went over the budget. Listing out our income (is social security), and all of our bills. Thanks to finding assistance for our prescriptions though manufacturers and hospice our Rx cost per month is down to about $28 a month. After his parents move we will be dropping cable, Netflix and lowering Aaron's phone plan. We were finally approved for enough food stamps that we don't have to budget for food. After dropping things and not having to pay for food, we're still about $600 in the hole each month.
I called our property management today and was told they do not accept any rental assistance programs from the government. I feel extremely blessed that we got the place we live. There is almost no chance of finding another place with a garage, washer dryer hookups and a fenced yard for $550 a month. I consider our rent to be very inexpensive.
We have talked about getting a roommate and after that help with rent and utilities that brings us down to about $250 over each month.
I am currently still waiting to hear back about my disability denial appeal. That could be anywhere from 3-4 months of waiting. If the appeal is denied it could be up to a year for a hearing.
It is so frustrating. Not only do I feel helpless in everything Aaron is going through and the fact that I can't fix anything, now I am unable to cover monthly needs.
Please pray for us. I know things are tight for everyone but if you have any extra there is a donation button to help us on the right side of this post. I'm just at my whit's end. That's all for this post. I'm off to take a Xanex and find some chocolate.
Next month Aaron's parents will be starting the move to New York. This has been the plan for quite a while and something Aaron wants, because he knows his parents will be taken care of there and able to move on with a good life. While this is something we all have discussed and want to happen, the reality is that once they are gone we are financially unable to make it from month to month.
Last night Aaron did the thing no one wants to do and went over the budget. Listing out our income (is social security), and all of our bills. Thanks to finding assistance for our prescriptions though manufacturers and hospice our Rx cost per month is down to about $28 a month. After his parents move we will be dropping cable, Netflix and lowering Aaron's phone plan. We were finally approved for enough food stamps that we don't have to budget for food. After dropping things and not having to pay for food, we're still about $600 in the hole each month.
I called our property management today and was told they do not accept any rental assistance programs from the government. I feel extremely blessed that we got the place we live. There is almost no chance of finding another place with a garage, washer dryer hookups and a fenced yard for $550 a month. I consider our rent to be very inexpensive.
We have talked about getting a roommate and after that help with rent and utilities that brings us down to about $250 over each month.
I am currently still waiting to hear back about my disability denial appeal. That could be anywhere from 3-4 months of waiting. If the appeal is denied it could be up to a year for a hearing.
It is so frustrating. Not only do I feel helpless in everything Aaron is going through and the fact that I can't fix anything, now I am unable to cover monthly needs.
Please pray for us. I know things are tight for everyone but if you have any extra there is a donation button to help us on the right side of this post. I'm just at my whit's end. That's all for this post. I'm off to take a Xanex and find some chocolate.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Palm Sunday
Mark 11 (NIV)
Jesus Comes to Jerusalem as King
1 As they approached Jerusalem and came to Bethphage and Bethany at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two of his disciples, 2 saying to them, “Go to the village ahead of you, and just as you enter it, you will find a colt tied there, which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. 3 If anyone asks you, ‘Why are you doing this?’ say, ‘The Lord needs it and will send it back here shortly.’”4 They went and found a colt outside in the street, tied at a doorway. As they untied it, 5 some people standing there asked, “What are you doing, untying that colt?” 6 They answered as Jesus had told them to, and the people let them go. 7 When they brought the colt to Jesus and threw their cloaks over it, he sat on it. 8 Many people spread their cloaks on the road, while others spread branches they had cut in the fields. 9 Those who went ahead and those who followed shouted,
“Hosanna![a]”
“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”[b]
10 “Blessed is the coming kingdom of our father David!”
“Hosanna in the highest heaven!”
11 Jesus entered Jerusalem and went into the temple courts. He looked around at everything, but since it was already late, he went out to Bethany with the Twelve.
This Morning church was amazing. Listening to our pastor talk to the kids about the Triumphal entry and hearing the children yell "Hosanna! Hosanna!" as loud as they could gave me such joy. I can only imagine what it would have been like to be there for the real thing. When I was a kid The church I grew up in did a big passion play every year. I remember singing and waving huge palm fronds as the man playing Jesus rode down the isle on a donkey. I used to run up the isle with all the other kids yelling, "Jesus, Jesus!", to have the man playing Jesus say “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (Matt. 19:14). I remember how much joy I had being there in that moment sitting at his feet knowing that we were chosen and loved.
Today I was reminded that I am still chosen and loved. I can still run to him yelling, "Jesus, Jesus!" and when people try to hold me back or discourage me he will still answer them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
Several years ago I wrote a poem that with the help of a friend was turned into a song:
To be a child when you walked the earth, what would my eyes have seen?
The comfort of your simple touch, your words making dead people live
Looking into your face not knowing all you'd do for me
To walk beside you and sit at your feet as you spoke your fathers words.
Then to see your body hanging there. Giving your final breath to save the world.
You saw me stand in front of you. Knowing all that I would to, to break your heart and bring you joy.
Then looking past all my sin and all I would do to mock your name, you knew that I would come to bless the Lord.
The people laughed and they called you names. You were bruised and beaten down.
But looking at you I saw your loving eyes beneath that crown.
You were not angry, you did not fight back, or show your infinite power.
You just kept walking down that road toward your darkest hour.
But in your pain I did not see. You were buying my life and liberty.
You saw me stand in front of you, knowing all that I would to, to break your heart and bring you joy.
Then looking past all my sin you knew that I would come to bless you lord.
Thank you God for sending your Son to save us.
I hope you all take this week to think about everything Jesus went through this week and the upcoming triumph over death for our sins.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Dear Uncle Sam, Stop the insanity...or at least help me pay for it.
It's been a while since I have written. Unfortunately the task of writing and searching my brain to remember what I wanted to write at one point has also become something that causes anxiety. Then there is the thought that nothing I write matters anyway so why bother.
The last few weeks have been very difficult for me. I have had to take Xanex on an average of 5 days a week, some days more than once. Things have been so overwhelming to me that I have gone over different ways "to end things", though I could never go through with it. I do have an appointment, after payday, to go to the Dr. and talk about adding a medication along the lines of Welbutrin since my current daily medication, clearly, doesn't seem to be strong enough to deal with the anxiety and depression level I am currently at.
I was able to get approved for a patient assistance program through Pfizor to get my Effexor for free. I am also seeking help through the Community Counseling center which charges based on income. Hopefully I will be able to start counseling there soon.
As mentioned in my last post I applied for disability and as expected for the first application I was denied. Yesterday we met with an attorney to appeal the decision. At some point in the meeting he said I would probably be denied again. This kind of threw me into a tailspin. The thought of being denied again means that it could be a year or more for a hearing. If that happens then it means that it's a year or more before we have a second income and if Aaron passes away before then it leaves me with no income. I cried for most of the appointment, and that was WITH a Xanex. I was absolutely drained by the time I got home and just went to bed. Sometimes going to bed is the easiest way to cope. I can just go to sleep and pretend nothing is happening.
Today I slept till noon. Then this afternoon we will go re apply for food stamps. Here's hoping for more than $16 a month. I called the counseling center again and hopefully I will hear from someone tomorrow to get this ball on a roll.
So that's as much as I can manage to get out today.
The last few weeks have been very difficult for me. I have had to take Xanex on an average of 5 days a week, some days more than once. Things have been so overwhelming to me that I have gone over different ways "to end things", though I could never go through with it. I do have an appointment, after payday, to go to the Dr. and talk about adding a medication along the lines of Welbutrin since my current daily medication, clearly, doesn't seem to be strong enough to deal with the anxiety and depression level I am currently at.
I was able to get approved for a patient assistance program through Pfizor to get my Effexor for free. I am also seeking help through the Community Counseling center which charges based on income. Hopefully I will be able to start counseling there soon.
As mentioned in my last post I applied for disability and as expected for the first application I was denied. Yesterday we met with an attorney to appeal the decision. At some point in the meeting he said I would probably be denied again. This kind of threw me into a tailspin. The thought of being denied again means that it could be a year or more for a hearing. If that happens then it means that it's a year or more before we have a second income and if Aaron passes away before then it leaves me with no income. I cried for most of the appointment, and that was WITH a Xanex. I was absolutely drained by the time I got home and just went to bed. Sometimes going to bed is the easiest way to cope. I can just go to sleep and pretend nothing is happening.
Today I slept till noon. Then this afternoon we will go re apply for food stamps. Here's hoping for more than $16 a month. I called the counseling center again and hopefully I will hear from someone tomorrow to get this ball on a roll.
So that's as much as I can manage to get out today.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Facing anxiety while finding the elusive joy
I don't know where to start. I've had a rough couple weeks, with good times mixed in of course.
Almost all of you knew that I was laid off from my job in August and know that I finally found another job right before Thanksgiving. I had to quit that job after 4 1/2 days of work due to my anxiety.
Most of you don't know that anxiety and depression is something I deal with on a daily basis. Aaron and I work very hard to choose joy, and while we promote that to everyone it's easier said than done some days. I have dealt with anxiety for several years. For my last year of work at the dental office I would have a panic attack before work at least three times a month. Some days this actually prevented me from being able to go to work. Part of the reason I left that job for the vets office was because I thought maybe it was the environment that was too stressful for me. I did better for several months once I got the new job, then it started again. By this time Aaron had been diagnosed with cancer. There were days when I called in because Aaron was sick or we had been at the ER all night, but there were many days when I had to call in because I was depressed or having a panic attack and just couldn't make myself go to work that day. My absences started to come up in my reviews but due to Aaron's illness they were very understanding. It finally came to the point where due to the economy they had to let someone go from the office and it came down to the fact that even though I wasn't the newest employee, I had the most absences and it wasn't getting better. So I got laid off.
When I started looking for work the thought of going back to a job was such a daunting idea. When I got the call that I was offered a job after two interviews I actually freaked out and cried for 1/2 an hour before I had to put on my brave face and to into work that afternoon. I did not want that job. The only reason I was applying for jobs in the first place was because unemployment required it. If there had been a logical reason for me to NOT take the job I would have turned it down. I felt trapped. I knew I couldn't do the job but if I turned it down I would loose my unemployment and we couldn't pay bills without it. So I went to work. And I came home and cried. Luckily it was Thanksgiving weekend and I only had to work one day before I had a long weekend. So Monday I got up and pushed down my anxiety and went to work, then came home and cried again cause I didn't want to go back. The next day was the same. Wednesday morning was even more difficult. I went in and decided I needed to talk to my supervisor. I had taken some time off the day before for a doctors appointment where we got some upsetting news so she said it would be ok if I needed to go home for the day. A few hours later I called and quit. I just could not go back.
The next day I went to my doctor and my anti-depressant medication dose was upped as well as adding Xanex for those times where my anxiety was more than I could handle.
There are days now where the idea of doing anything is more than I can handle. There are so many things that need to be done that finding a starting point seems beyond me. A few people have been a great help. Aaron's parents have been a great help with regular house chores as well as one of our friends helping me clean. There are so many packages of paperwork that have to be done to file for the assistance we are trying to get, be it my SSD, Bridge assistance, OHP, food stamps, Volunteers in Medicine, Rx Assistance, etc. Unfortunately these are all things that not really anyone else can help us do. It feels overwhelming. This week I have had to take a Xanex almost every day and today is the first day I haven't taken at least a 2 hour nap to escape.
I have filed for Disability. I'm hoping to be approved but most people aren't on their first try and have to appeal.
So right now we are living off Aaron's social security, which doesn't pay all the bills. So that's another thing for me to be anxious about. Because I am unable to suck it up and work, we aren't able to do things. There have been days where I have thought it would be easier if I just took a handful of Aaron's meds and be done with it. I won't. Please don't email me and tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't. I think suicide is a very selfish way out and I would never do that to my family. That and I"m a big chicken.
OK, downer stuff out of the way, Aaron has had some great exposure over the bracelets. IT all started when a friend posted a picture of their Christmas house elf wearing Aaron's "Cancer sucks...Life is good...Choose joy" bracelet. My mom then put the idea out there that other people should send pictures. So Aaron started asking for pics of his bracelets with inanimate objects. I think at this point he has 40 something pics.
After people started sending in pics gawker.com posted an update with the info about the pictures. From them a Canadian primetime TV show saw the story and wanted to do an interview. So we drove to Portland for Aaron to do a satellite interview with them to air live in Canada. While we were in the portland studio they decided to interview him and run an update story since they had done one when he was selling add space on the urns. We received over 140 orders for bracelets between the website and the interviews that aired. Needless to say I'm still stuffing envelopes to mail.
It makes me happy that with all the crap that goes on in the world, people really seem to accept and take on the Choose Joy mantra for their lives. I know it means alot to Aaron to have his bracelets out there.
I had a great surprise on Christmas eve night. We had been decorating cookies that day with his parents and I made up a plate to take to the neighbors that moved into the other side of our duplex about 2 weeks ago. I took them to the door and rang the bell. One of the girls answered and the other came to the door shortly after. She was holding a glass and I thought I saw something purple on her wrist. I asked to see her bracelet and it was one of Aaron's choose joy bracelet. It caught me off guard and I asked where she got it. She said one of the nurses gave it to her at her chemo appointment. That was so awesome to me. It was such a small world.
I've decided that I want to keep the bracelet thing going after Aaron's gone. I asked Aaron to register choosejoy.com for me but it was already taken by a motivational speaker group so we now have choosejoy.org. There's nothing there yet but we own the name. I hope to have Aaron's story on there as well as a place to purchase the bracelets and maybe shirts or other choose joy things. I want Aaron's legacy to go on and to know that all the things we did and talk about choosing joy that he promoted was not in vein. There's nothing I can do about the situation he's facing right now, but I can carry on the good things later.
I"m pretty sure if you are reading this you already read Aaron's blog, but you can buy bracelets at www.judasforgiven.com.
My new challenge ( in all of my free time) is trying to find a way to make it possible for Aaron to visit out friend David in California one more time. Right now we expect that he may have a short window of opportunity to travel in the beginning of January before he starts to get too weak or there is some miraculous funding to restart chemo. We have found train tickets for about $500 round trip for both of us. Which isn't too bad, but it's more than we have. So, if you have any extra and can help me make this happen it would be awesome. There's a Paypal donation button to the right at the top of the page. If 25 people donated $20 it would make this trip happen for us.
Thank you to those of you who read my blog. I don't know that there are many, maybe not even the 25, but it's nice to know that people care. I promise I"ll try to write another one sooner than a month out this time.
Almost all of you knew that I was laid off from my job in August and know that I finally found another job right before Thanksgiving. I had to quit that job after 4 1/2 days of work due to my anxiety.
Most of you don't know that anxiety and depression is something I deal with on a daily basis. Aaron and I work very hard to choose joy, and while we promote that to everyone it's easier said than done some days. I have dealt with anxiety for several years. For my last year of work at the dental office I would have a panic attack before work at least three times a month. Some days this actually prevented me from being able to go to work. Part of the reason I left that job for the vets office was because I thought maybe it was the environment that was too stressful for me. I did better for several months once I got the new job, then it started again. By this time Aaron had been diagnosed with cancer. There were days when I called in because Aaron was sick or we had been at the ER all night, but there were many days when I had to call in because I was depressed or having a panic attack and just couldn't make myself go to work that day. My absences started to come up in my reviews but due to Aaron's illness they were very understanding. It finally came to the point where due to the economy they had to let someone go from the office and it came down to the fact that even though I wasn't the newest employee, I had the most absences and it wasn't getting better. So I got laid off.
When I started looking for work the thought of going back to a job was such a daunting idea. When I got the call that I was offered a job after two interviews I actually freaked out and cried for 1/2 an hour before I had to put on my brave face and to into work that afternoon. I did not want that job. The only reason I was applying for jobs in the first place was because unemployment required it. If there had been a logical reason for me to NOT take the job I would have turned it down. I felt trapped. I knew I couldn't do the job but if I turned it down I would loose my unemployment and we couldn't pay bills without it. So I went to work. And I came home and cried. Luckily it was Thanksgiving weekend and I only had to work one day before I had a long weekend. So Monday I got up and pushed down my anxiety and went to work, then came home and cried again cause I didn't want to go back. The next day was the same. Wednesday morning was even more difficult. I went in and decided I needed to talk to my supervisor. I had taken some time off the day before for a doctors appointment where we got some upsetting news so she said it would be ok if I needed to go home for the day. A few hours later I called and quit. I just could not go back.
The next day I went to my doctor and my anti-depressant medication dose was upped as well as adding Xanex for those times where my anxiety was more than I could handle.
There are days now where the idea of doing anything is more than I can handle. There are so many things that need to be done that finding a starting point seems beyond me. A few people have been a great help. Aaron's parents have been a great help with regular house chores as well as one of our friends helping me clean. There are so many packages of paperwork that have to be done to file for the assistance we are trying to get, be it my SSD, Bridge assistance, OHP, food stamps, Volunteers in Medicine, Rx Assistance, etc. Unfortunately these are all things that not really anyone else can help us do. It feels overwhelming. This week I have had to take a Xanex almost every day and today is the first day I haven't taken at least a 2 hour nap to escape.
I have filed for Disability. I'm hoping to be approved but most people aren't on their first try and have to appeal.
So right now we are living off Aaron's social security, which doesn't pay all the bills. So that's another thing for me to be anxious about. Because I am unable to suck it up and work, we aren't able to do things. There have been days where I have thought it would be easier if I just took a handful of Aaron's meds and be done with it. I won't. Please don't email me and tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't. I think suicide is a very selfish way out and I would never do that to my family. That and I"m a big chicken.
OK, downer stuff out of the way, Aaron has had some great exposure over the bracelets. IT all started when a friend posted a picture of their Christmas house elf wearing Aaron's "Cancer sucks...Life is good...Choose joy" bracelet. My mom then put the idea out there that other people should send pictures. So Aaron started asking for pics of his bracelets with inanimate objects. I think at this point he has 40 something pics.
After people started sending in pics gawker.com posted an update with the info about the pictures. From them a Canadian primetime TV show saw the story and wanted to do an interview. So we drove to Portland for Aaron to do a satellite interview with them to air live in Canada. While we were in the portland studio they decided to interview him and run an update story since they had done one when he was selling add space on the urns. We received over 140 orders for bracelets between the website and the interviews that aired. Needless to say I'm still stuffing envelopes to mail.
It makes me happy that with all the crap that goes on in the world, people really seem to accept and take on the Choose Joy mantra for their lives. I know it means alot to Aaron to have his bracelets out there.
I had a great surprise on Christmas eve night. We had been decorating cookies that day with his parents and I made up a plate to take to the neighbors that moved into the other side of our duplex about 2 weeks ago. I took them to the door and rang the bell. One of the girls answered and the other came to the door shortly after. She was holding a glass and I thought I saw something purple on her wrist. I asked to see her bracelet and it was one of Aaron's choose joy bracelet. It caught me off guard and I asked where she got it. She said one of the nurses gave it to her at her chemo appointment. That was so awesome to me. It was such a small world.
I've decided that I want to keep the bracelet thing going after Aaron's gone. I asked Aaron to register choosejoy.com for me but it was already taken by a motivational speaker group so we now have choosejoy.org. There's nothing there yet but we own the name. I hope to have Aaron's story on there as well as a place to purchase the bracelets and maybe shirts or other choose joy things. I want Aaron's legacy to go on and to know that all the things we did and talk about choosing joy that he promoted was not in vein. There's nothing I can do about the situation he's facing right now, but I can carry on the good things later.
I"m pretty sure if you are reading this you already read Aaron's blog, but you can buy bracelets at www.judasforgiven.com.
My new challenge ( in all of my free time) is trying to find a way to make it possible for Aaron to visit out friend David in California one more time. Right now we expect that he may have a short window of opportunity to travel in the beginning of January before he starts to get too weak or there is some miraculous funding to restart chemo. We have found train tickets for about $500 round trip for both of us. Which isn't too bad, but it's more than we have. So, if you have any extra and can help me make this happen it would be awesome. There's a Paypal donation button to the right at the top of the page. If 25 people donated $20 it would make this trip happen for us.
Thank you to those of you who read my blog. I don't know that there are many, maybe not even the 25, but it's nice to know that people care. I promise I"ll try to write another one sooner than a month out this time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)